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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

306 replies

NavyDog · 06/02/2025 15:48

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

  1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
  2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
  3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
  4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
  5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
  6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

OP posts:
kellygoeswest · 07/02/2025 14:27

You need to stop sending her "child support" money immediately, stop with the ridiculous cease-and-desist/lawyer idea and call the florist asap to cancel the Valentines day order.

Telling her you were going to harm yourself, the repeated emails and sending her the reddit link are all harassment, and I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve since she already made her position clear.

You need to let her go.

NestaArcheron · 07/02/2025 15:58

The fact she was so broken over the suicide of her ex and then you threatened it too makes it so much worse. And you cannot see it at all.

MissAndrey · 07/02/2025 17:45

No fucking way is he cancelling that Valentine's order.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/02/2025 18:06

Well he knows that if that valentines order arrives that it is more harassment...

MinnieDelight · 07/02/2025 18:30

NavyDog · 07/02/2025 08:20

I feel like a lot of people are looking to solve a mystery, why we split up, this that and the other. I only came on here to check my own sanity, and nothing else. But I’ll feed the curiosity to the level I’m comfortable with

  • Living arrangements. Yes, I lived with her. I have two homes, as well as my ex partners house. I gave her brother a place to stay roughly 8 months ago because he was homeless. Him and his brothers contact me, and often, because they see me as their brother and we’ve become incredibly close over the years.
  • Early into the relationship infidelity happened, she was a mess due to the suicide of her ex partner. She spiralled according to her, me being broken decided to do tit for tat. Over the coming years we healed and got stronger year on year.
  • I don’t know why people are jumping to conclusions. There could quite literally be a million reasons as to why she may have left. Another man, simply falling out of love, many things. To automatically assume it’s because I’m abusive is next level crazy in my opinion. Although this seems the nature of MumsNet, and although an abuser wouldn’t admit they’re an abuser, on the most part I was very supportive. In fact, a lot of people have mentioned that I’d “bend over backwards” for her. I don’t feel people know enough, and there isn’t enough time in the day for me to explain it either, for anybody to jump to such sick conclusions. It’s a possibility of course, but to jump to that conclusion out of a million and one possibilities isn’t very nice imho.
  • With or without me, although it’d hurt me to see it, the most important thing to me is that her and the kids are happy. I’ve admittedly made some bad decisions due to emotions. But I’m now in a situation where my only option is to 1. Walk away 2. Go the legal route to at least show how badly I’d like to see the children. People can be cold hearted all they want, I raised these kids. I love them. They love me. I may lose, but I wouldn’t be a man without at least exploring every avenue before losing them for good.
  • I have specified I am going no contact 10x.
  • We split up over something extremely trivial, but she cited it as “the last straw”. This post has no relevance to the reason as to why we split up, hence why I see no reason to go into these details. People say I made a mistake with Reddit, but in the same breath ask for intimate details which are now completely irrelevant.
  • Please stop mentioning that it’s “weird” that her daughter’s Dad (at the time) bought her a pink rose for Valentine’s. I’ve seen loads of fathers doing this, the child loved it, it made her happy, and frankly your opinion on this is irrelevant to the post and irrelevant in general. Childs happiness >> random person on MumsNets opinion.

All in all, I value your diverse opinions. Some people have been next level toxic, about things literally not relevant to the post, but to those who have stayed on topic and given me brutal, or nice, responses I respect you immensely and appreciate the time you’ve put into helping me understand the perspective of females. Thank you!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You sound heartbroken and you’re not the first person to respond emotionally when you feel you’re loosing those you love. You sound like you’ve got the children’s best interests at heart, and in the short term this sudden separation from you could be damaging for them. However they sound quite young so presumably their mother thinks that short term pain is worth the long term gain of them not having you in their lives.

If you seek legal advice, and it’s not favourable all you can do is walk away and try to heal. That might take time, but no contact will help.

bigvig · 08/02/2025 10:05

I feel for you OP. I think you are vulnerable and have been taken advantage of financially by your ex and now her brother. However you've also been behaving in a very obsessive creepy way. Stop paying maintenance and cut all contact. Pursue contact in court if you can - I personally wouldn't but I can see after 5 years it's hard to let go.

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