I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

I understand that you are sad, but your behaviour is totally inappropriate and stalkerish. You need to accept the situation and fully leave your ex and her kids alone.

If you love her and the kids so much why don’t you give her and them what is wanted, a clean break.

You are torturing yourself and her by trying to cling on. Leave the poor lass and HER kids alone. They aren’t yours.

And stop sending child maintenance. That is fucking creepy. It screams of “look what you’re missing out on” and trying to lay guilt.

Whilst I don't think your actions come from a bad place, I think some are way too much (sending the reddit thread and the gifts in particular!!). You need to immediately stop all contact and stop sending money. Get therapy as this is something that will be hard to 'just get over' without any help. I have two stepchildren and whilst they are not biologically mine, they are a huge part of my life and I love them... I would probably feel the same as you if DH and I separated but the harsh reality is that they are not your children and by the sounds of things, are not old enough to see you of their own accord.

Things will feel better with time, therapy and rebuilding your life. Good luck!

Did you think about how she would feel seeing a personal and difficult private life event being described on a public forum, along with comments and judgments from strangers? What did you think she would feel?

I mean, you've said death multiple times in your posts. Maybe she is scared of you. Aren't stepdads to children the biggest domestic killer? Obviously I'm not insinuating that you'd do anything, you clearly love them all however, you sound very on edge and that is probably making her nervous.
You really do need to start moving on however difficult that may be. Sending her a link to the Reddit thread was too much. You sound pretty overbearing.

I agree that you’re not coming from a bad place and you’re obviously devastated but your hurt is making you behave in a way that could be construed as manipulation and harassment even though that’s not how you mean it.

Please take on board the pretty unanimous opinions on here and speak to someone if you’re struggling to accept how you’re feeling.

You’re not a psychopath by any stretch - what you are doing is out of consideration for the children and your ex.

I would stop now though. The sad truth is that she does not want you to be part of the children’s lives. Stop paying child support and stop trying to make contact. It’s very sad for you and the children. Unfortunately, she has the right to sever your relationship with them. I’m sorry x

I want to add that I do understand why this situation is so upsetting for you. You have an attachment to the children you've seen grow up, and that's understandable. It's just that this behaviour is making her feel scared, and it would make me feel scared, too. It shouldn't be this way, but men are the biggest threats to womens' lives post break up. I'm not saying YOU are a threat to her life, but as women we are conditioned and trained our whole lives to be vigilant against threats to our safety, and they most commonly come from people we are, or used to be, close to. You need to factor that into your decision making and how you're treating her now.

You ultimately need to move on, this relationship is over. That's painful, and you probably need help getting through it. The answer is NOT to keep contacting her, though, in any way.

You sound like my dad.
Here's how it ended.
He didn't listen to all the people advising him to back off.
DM got a court injunction.
He never saw me again until I was an adult by which point he was an alcoholic because he didn't sort his life out and move on in the meantime.

He died when I was 23 and I never got the relationship with him, I was cheated of it because him and my mum were so self centered and neither of them put me first. Because keeping on trying to get in touch, sending gifts, going into a spiral etc like this isn't putting the kids first, you just think it is, but it's actually about your need for validation. You need to disentangle that from what the kids will actually need in the future, which is a stable and dependable adult who cares about them. Being that person means stepping back now.

Draw a line under it, grieve the end of all these relationships for now and move on. The kids will seek you out when they're older if they want to.

IF you had behaved post split in an adult manner you could actually have applied to the family court for access.. IF a judge had deemes it in the dc's best interests you could have had a court order in place to see them..
Unfortunately your actions post split would have the judge deem you a complete knob and your ex would probably get a non molestation order again you...
Sorry mate but you fucked up your chances imo. Move on. And stop the money.

It's nice to get presents from your children. But they're not actually from her children, they're from you, and she knows that. If it were me, that would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Especially since you dropped them round personally without anyone seeing. She's a grown woman, she can handle getting fewer birthday presents, especially when SHE chose to end the relationship.

The reddit thing is creepy incel behaviour. Please never do that again, to anyone. It comes across as really aggressive and angry, like you're just not accepting it.

You need to talk to someone professional about your suicidal feelings. It really isn't appropriate or fair to put that guilt or pressure on your ex.

You need to back off immediately, and if she speaks to you again, please apologise. I know it's hard, but you have to accept her decision.

It's not your job to provide for these bairns though. They're not your kids, no latter how much of a fatherly role you took on.

It hurts and it'll probably hurt for a while but you need to back off now and leave her alone. You have no legal right to those bairns. I'm sorry.

Not your kids. Move on.

There is a weird lack of detail about why she considers you abusive and I suspect that this sentence

although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch

is covering up rather a lot of relevant detail about both your own behaviour and what you may have considered fair to get angry at her about.

I’ve never laid a finger on her.

I hope this isn’t the extent of your understanding of what constitutes abuse. My abusive ex never laid a finger on me either and I’m sure he uses it as an excuse to not consider what he did abuse.

You need to leave her alone. Stop messaging and stop sending money or anything else. She has made it clear - you need to listen

I'd be very interested in hearing her side of things.

Threatening to kill yourself is horrendously abusive and manipulative.

What's this about a cease and desist letter you're sending to her? Cease and desist what? You're the one harassing her? They are not your children, you have no right to be in their life if their mother doesn't want it. None.

If you don't want to be arrested, just stop any contact right now - no calls, no visits, no gifts. It will make things so much worse than it is now if you are arrested. I have seen somebody thrown in the cells for six hours till they made bail on a similar charge and they hadn't even done anything much at all. They were lucky to escape a criminal record. It is plain that, for her, the relationship is over. The more you attempt to contact her, the more she will dislike you. It seems like you don't accept it is over. You talk about handing over a tracking link for your car and phone so she feels safe but really she will feel safe when you stop trying to contact her.

I can't imagine what the solicitor put in the letter because as far as I can see she isn't doing anything you could ask her to cease and desist in and, legally, she is perfectly entitled to stop you seeing her children. I wouldn't send it because it will just add fuel to the fire and she can refuse to allow contact with the children - no court is going to say an ex-boyfriend is entitled to see his ex-girlfriend's children. To be honest, I would, in her shoes, find your behaviour frightening and not the least because you don't seem to understand it is over. You might dress if up as the kids ordering the food but of course it was you, not a six year old or an eight year old.

She doesn't want you to have a relationship with her children and she has the perfect right to decide this. You may be very fond of them but they are not your children. I can't understand why you are paying money to a woman who can't stand you for children that you can't see and who aren't your children. Hard as it may be you have to accept this is over.

The other hard thing is that most stepfather type relationships with stepchildren do tend to peter out when the relationship breaks up. There's just no glue holding it together any more. Mum may not want an old partner hanging around the children when she might have a new partner or hopes of a new partner. She may well have thought better about contact and decided a clean break was best when she had time to think about things. Presumably she thinks she is doing the best thing for her children.

I think you need to look to the future. There are millions of other women out there. You can have your own children. One little tip though is if you are on a date with one of those women, don't talk about your ex - at all. Spend the money you currently send her on some therapy. I know when you're very down it can feel like you'll never be happy again. You can be happy again, just not with this particular woman.

If you really feel you might do something silly, please make an appointment with your GP and get help.

This isn't true at all.

He isn't even married to their mother from what he's said. He's just their mums ex boyfriend,

No court on earth would award him visitation rights.

Leave her and the children alone. They are not your family. You don't have any rights. Stop with the emotional blackmail and move on, before she is forced to get a restraining order against you.

When I say that. I was referring to infidelity on both sides towards the start of the relationship.

I am not an angry person. She would even agree that I’ve never raised my voice to her on one occasion in the six years. I used to be the one asking her to calm down because she was more of the hot head, haha.

Of course physical violence isn’t the only thing that equals abuse, I’m aware of that 🙂

Thats why I’m asking this thread to see if my behaviour (without ducking any of the details, I mean 10 emails is embarrassing) is abusive.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

If someone can be this callous then you don’t want them in your life.

You have raised those kids as your own but unfortunately they are not yours and you have no rights to them.

You contacting her, sending her things and sending money for the kids is verging on harassment, even if what you are doing are nice things.

She has made it very clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you.
The more you do these things, the more you are proving that she is right when she tells people you are harassing her.

You need to cut all contact - delete her number and email address, stop paying for the kids, stop sending her things etc.

If you are really struggling then consider moving away or getting a job abroad for a year or 2.

It’s incredibly difficult moving on from a 5yr relationship but nothing you can do is going to fix it and so you need to find a way to move on.

I’ve been to the solicitor. If you’ve lived with the children for 3+ years, or they explicitly call you “dad” or see you as their “dad” there is indeed rights. Hence why I paid for the first step, the cease and desist. But I also don’t want to be deemed as horrible, manipulative for serving said cease and desist.

It's abusive, yes, you are harassing her and ignoring her boundaries. Sending her many presents, money, emails, a whole Reddit thread about her (wtf?!), thinking of sending her a threatening legal letter (what exactly is she supposed to cease and desist from??) I mean, come on.

Don’t have any more contact with her.
They aren’t your children- DON’T be doling out money to her either.

You don't have rights. You can petition the court to allow you contact, if it's in the best interests of the children. That remains to be seen, and your behaviour towards your ex would form part of that judgement.