I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

@NavyDog I don't see your actions as unethical... just clearly done out of hurt and upset from my point of view. I've learned it is pointless disagreeing with people on MN as they are rigid in their thinking.

Read each comment through and reflect on what everyone is saying... the good and the bad. Reflect on what you could have done differently, and what you would like to do differently next time, and then move on and heal.

Going through this sort of thing is tough enough without an added battle of arguing with strangers on MN.... I'm sure you could do without it when no one knows the true situation except the two of you.

Wishing you the best for your healing journey and the future.

Of course you’re going to agree it was trivial. My own ex would tell people that if asked. But whilst it was mainly ‘death by a million cuts’, some of the behaviour was completely beyond the line. It’s just normalised when you’re living it day to day, it’s only when you’re fully away from the person and get the headspace to reflect on just how crap it was, that’s when realisation sinks in. And she can’t tell you that, because as soon as any criticism or negative comments are made in response to your posts, you instantly deflect it as people being hilarious or off their rockers. You would do the same to her and she doesn’t want that around her family.

It’s all about your mental health, you don’t seem to actually care about her wellbeing. And again mentioning her family, you’re absolutely determined to have control and set the narrative with them aren’t you. If you can’t get to the kids, at least you have her brothers to talk to about how awful she is…

OMG her ex took his own life and you threatened to do the same knowing this? You are one nasty piece of work

Hopefully she takes those kids far, far away from you...you are seriously messed up

You didn’t break up because of a “trivial last straw”, you broke up because of all the straws that came before it, which suggests it was not a terribly happy relationship, for your ex at least.

clearly incredibly bias against men and men’s welfare in general

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because someone disagrees with you, they must be biased against men in general.

Go the legal route to at least show how badly I’d like to see the children. People can be cold hearted all they want, I raised these kids. I love them. They love me. I may lose, but I wouldn’t be a man without at least exploring every avenue before losing them for good.

No no no no no - how many more times do you need to be told this is a terrible thing to do. Legal or not you feel you’re being ‘a man’ by trying to force your ex to give you access to her children against her wishes. Why is it do hard to see that this could be seen as controlling and abusive? Let her make the decisions regarding HER children and maybe in time she’ll allow some access. But that’s her choice not yours to make

Agree. My last ex tells all and sundry I dumped him because of one silly misunderstanding (he acted like a selfish twat and I hung up)

But it was the final straw in a long line of issues that made me say ‘that’s enough’

It’s never one small thing, it’s a whole pattern usually.

OP, if she came on here she would be probably advised to go to the police.

Men often have huge difficulty with the word NO.

Its over. Accept it.
Stop contacting her.
Stop paying towards children that are not yours.

Continue on this path and you will have a file with the police which future partners can seek out via Claire's Law.
Tjis behaviour will follow you.

Accept it is over.
Get some therapy.
Leave this woman and her children alone.

YOU do not know better than her as to what she wants.

Stop asking for information from her brothers.

You sound unhinged and dangerous.
Deal with the word NO and learn to accept it.

Its OVER.

@NavyDog do you mean perspective of WOMEN?

Your use of 'females' is the icing on the cake in exposing your misogyny.

You sound like version of my ex h who used me 'keeping him away from' my dc as a huge stick to beat me with, once he stopped being 'heartbroken' by you, he got angry. But actually he was a below average stepdad who never bothered with the dc and never bothered to adopt them or anything else either, and it was the last/only thing he could harass me about, or make himself feel like a victim with. Back off, she wouldn't be able to rely on you as the other parent forever, and she knows that, because you are not the other parent.

Usually when women split up is after long consideration so she’s been thinking about it for ages now.

Just leave it and seek professional help to help you grieve the relationship.

• I don’t know why people are jumping to conclusions. There could quite literally be a million reasons as to why she may have left. Another man, simply falling out of love, many things. To automatically assume it’s because I’m abusive is next level crazy in my opinion. Although this seems the nature of MumsNet, and although an abuser wouldn’t admit they’re an abuser, on the most part I was very supportive. In fact, a lot of people have mentioned that I’d “bend over backwards” for her. I don’t feel people know enough, and there isn’t enough time in the day for me to explain it either, for anybody to jump to such sick conclusions. It’s a possibility of course, but to jump to that conclusion out of a million and one possibilities isn’t very nice imho.

I'm confused. Your say people are "jumping to conclusions", as though we are pulling out of thin air the fact that you sound stalkerish and a bit unhinged.

Your whole OP was literally about how your ex is telling you, and people around her that she is scared of you and that you were abusive. And I quote*

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me

She has asked you to leave her alone and you are ignoring her and still contacting her. THAT is harassment. Do you not see this?

You literally asked the question "am I being horrible/abusive"? And 99% of posters are telling you yes, your behaviour is wrong and abusive. Obviously there's always the odd incel/MRA over from Reddit.

You also said you've been told by others to leave her alone as contacting her again will amount to harassment. So other people - people you know - are also advising you to leave her alone.

Why are you not listening?

You came on here hoping people would agree with you that you've done nothing wrong and that you should carry on as you are, contacting her against her wishes and trying to get visitation rights with her children who are no relation to you.

Everyone is telling you this is unacceptable behaviour and you need to stop. But you still won't accept it.

Im going to bough out now as I actually think you are mentally unwell and the fact that you have threatened to kill yourself (to an ex who's partner before you committed suicide - so callous of you) and are under a MH crisis team suggests you need help in RL to get well and stop this obsessive behaviour.

Il reiterate - leave them alone. Get on with your life. You have no right to force yourself into peoples lives who do not want you there. The children will be fine - they are resilient and get over things quickly. If you really love them, leave them alone.

The solicitor stuff will lead to nothing but if you want to waste your time and money that's up to you - going after her children when she has told you she is scared of you and wants you out of her life is utterly toxic and narcissistic behaviour.

All you seem to care about is how YOU feel and what YOU want. A woman is scared of you and doesn't want to see you anymore and you are trying to devise ways to get around that and force her to still be involved with you through her children. Do you really not see how sinister that is?

People on here have pulled you up on your unacceptable behaviour bc we have dealt with this stuff in RL (controlling, harassing exes) and see it on on here every single day - women posting about their stalkerish exes who won't leave them alone. Your self pity and emotional manipulation tactics emanate from the page.

So no, we haven't "jumped to conclusions". It's all there in black and white.

I also find it insane how I also just mentioned how I was physically abused. And uh, still, attack the man attack the man.

Lets look at it from this perspective then - if what you're saying is true she physically assaulted you and also cheated on you. She's now started a smear campaign telling everyone you are abusive and horrible.

So why the hell are you determined to stay in this relationship again? It sounds like she's done you both a favour.

It's also very odd that you won't say why you split up but have thrown in about her allegedly being physical with you, when the responses aren't going your way

Agree. It sounds like the relationship was toxic and not a good environment to bring up children anyway.

There was almost certainly fault on both sides but that’s in the past OP and as hard fine by as you feel, you need to live in the now and move on

If you continue with the way you’re going, the police will be involved before long and you really don’t want to go down that road.

Let it go

She has said that she is scared of you. That's the part you need to listen to. Your actions have scared her.

You may not have intended to scare her. But instead of asking her what she wanted, you made decisions and went ahead with them. You don't get to decide how she feels about your actions. She doesn't have to try to interpret the meaning behind them, she has one job to do and that's to keep her and her children safe.

Stop thinking of things you can do to keep the relationship going. Stop trying to prove anything to anyone. Stop paying child support and disengage from this situation, and seek therapy as soon as you can.

she was a mess due to the suicide of her ex partner
This makes you calling her with a suicide threat after she ended the relationship even worse. What kind of a manipulative, cold, selfish dickhead does this to someone whose husband committed suicide!??
I was quite measured in my earlier response to you. Fuck that, you are behaving abusively.

Many women here, and the police, know that a suicide threat like this is a red flag for abusive behaviour at the best of times. In this context it's absolutely unhinged, cruel, and it's frightening that you would do this to her.

But to the few are clearly incredibly bias against men and men’s welfare in general, perhaps take a look at yourselves too.
We don't usually need men's opinions on here, but as you seem to find it impossible to respect women's views (or boundaries): my husband said you sound "fucking creepy" and he thinks you're making an embarrassment of yourself.
He might just be biased against men though.

This guy is an absolute lunatic. I’m worried for his ex and her children.

In this context it's absolutely unhinged, cruel, and it's frightening that you would do this to her

It’s the lowest of threats. Not only placing his ‘emotional turmoil’ (see: not being able to be told no) on her, but using the undertone that the children that he apparently adores will lose another dad to suicide. And it will be ‘her’ fault. I don’t think it’s a far reach at this point that the op has made his ex believe that she didn’t do well enough to save her kids father, and if she doesn’t comply with this emotional torture she’ll be responsible for it happening again.

So creepy 😬

This information is taken from page on stalking and harassment, on the Crown Prosecution Service website at:
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-or-harassment
You can look it up yourself, I’ve removed bullet points to shorten it for sharing, but haven’t changed the wording at all.

Behaviour by a suspect as part of a campaign of stalking or harassment could include:
• frequent unwanted contact, for example, attending at the home or the workplace of the victim, telephone calls, text messages, emails or use of other mechanisms such as the internet and social networking sites
• sending letters or unwanted 'gifts' or items to the victim
• arranging for others to deliver unwanted items to the victim
• becoming further and further embedded within a victim's life, for example, by making contact with their friends and family

Examples of tactics that suspects may use are listed below, these are not exhaustive:
• minimising, or giving mitigation for, their offending behaviour. Claiming that they are not abusive but merely showing affection or care for the victim and that their intentions have been misconstrued

This is going too far now... can we remember that the OP is under the crisis team!!

I have been a victim of stalking... he had broken into my house and was living in my loft. It was persistent... day after day after day. Not 4 emails in 4 weeks, not one visit for a birthday.

This is turning into a witch hunt. Yes give advice, and opinions, but wow, some of you are taking this way to far.

@Mumto42005

How was this "going too far"...? It was a copy and paste, with information about the source, and no further comment added to it.

Stalking:

Fixated - tick
Obsessive - tick
Unwanted - tick
Repetitive - tick

Just because you had it worse, doesn't mean it's not stalking.