Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

oldernotwiserffs · 2025-02-06T15:29:24+00:00

The Rules: • The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. • Develop a thick skin. • Do not invest emotionally too soon. • It's all BS until it actually happens. • Trust your gut instinct. • People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT. • Know your wortH. • If it's not fun, stop. • Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Original poster

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 15:30

Continued from thread 51

@Crushed23 so far so good! Date number 9 was yesterday, he brought dinner round and we chatted and cuddled on the sofa and had sex. We spoke about kids, he wants them and said if he's going to have them it will have to be in the next couple of years because of his age. Obvs that doesn't mean he wants them with me but it's good we're on the same page in that respect. I still fancy him madly.

We are from very different backgrounds though, we are going to the theatre on sat as I have tickets and invited him and he's never been to the theatre before in his life which is mad to me! He has also remarked on how posh i am a coupe of times but I quite like him as my bit of rough😂

Ugh I know what you mean - our biological clocks do drive us wild and I think a lot of women our age choose unsuitable men as the fathers of their children as a result. My friend did this and, whilst she loves her child, solo parenting a toddler is tough and made all the more difficult by a dad who won't pay maintenance

OP posts:

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 15:49

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 15:30

Continued from thread 51

@Crushed23 so far so good! Date number 9 was yesterday, he brought dinner round and we chatted and cuddled on the sofa and had sex. We spoke about kids, he wants them and said if he's going to have them it will have to be in the next couple of years because of his age. Obvs that doesn't mean he wants them with me but it's good we're on the same page in that respect. I still fancy him madly.

We are from very different backgrounds though, we are going to the theatre on sat as I have tickets and invited him and he's never been to the theatre before in his life which is mad to me! He has also remarked on how posh i am a coupe of times but I quite like him as my bit of rough😂

Ugh I know what you mean - our biological clocks do drive us wild and I think a lot of women our age choose unsuitable men as the fathers of their children as a result. My friend did this and, whilst she loves her child, solo parenting a toddler is tough and made all the more difficult by a dad who won't pay maintenance

This all sounds very promising!

Have you had the exclusivity chat? 9 dates over a couple of months(?) sounds to me like you should be deciding whether or not to make it official.

Hard relate on dating someone with a different background. Mr Rave and I couldn't be more different, but the novelty is acting as some sort of aphrodisiac? I love that he talks to me about things like how heavy the weights he lifts are (very heavy 💜), or a car show he's hoping to showcase his monster truck at, or about some engineering thing he's building in his garage for fun. I can't relate to any of it, but at the same time I'm HERE for this lowbrow chat because I find it hot for some reason. 😅

I wonder if the same thing is happening in reverse? I talk to him about my pilates classes, my favourite trips around the world (he has barely left the States), my skincare goals. It must be like listening to someone speak another language. He seems to like it though.

Original poster

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 15:56

@Crushed23 yes 9 dates over 8 weeks. I am assuming exclusivity tbh, I don't think it needs a conversation but I'll give it another 4 weeks and maybe have the DTR conversation then?

Yes i think it might be a novelty for me too. I love how badly he speaks - 'innit', 'ain't' and every other word a swear word. He's so rough and I'm finding that so attractive because he's so different to anyone I've dated before. I do like his qualities too though - he makes me laugh, is polite, emotionally intelligent and available and caring so I'm hoping that even if the novelty of our different background wears off we'll be ok. They do say opposites attract!

So are you thinking Mr Rave might properly have some long term potential now?

OP posts:

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 16:05

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 15:56

@Crushed23 yes 9 dates over 8 weeks. I am assuming exclusivity tbh, I don't think it needs a conversation but I'll give it another 4 weeks and maybe have the DTR conversation then?

Yes i think it might be a novelty for me too. I love how badly he speaks - 'innit', 'ain't' and every other word a swear word. He's so rough and I'm finding that so attractive because he's so different to anyone I've dated before. I do like his qualities too though - he makes me laugh, is polite, emotionally intelligent and available and caring so I'm hoping that even if the novelty of our different background wears off we'll be ok. They do say opposites attract!

So are you thinking Mr Rave might properly have some long term potential now?

Okay, so if you don't feel like an exclusivity chat is needed, I would say this is a very good sign. It should feel natural and like you're in sync without anyone having to spell anything out. Congrats! 😊

Haha I don't think so r.e. Mr Rave. Our differences go beyond speaking differently. He practically told me that he has no intention of leaving his small town where he grew up and currently lives with his parents (he's looking to buy a house in the area). So that rules him out.

I find him hot and I'm looking forward to going to raves and festivals together and having lots of fun, uninhibited sex. 😎 I feel so confident and comfortable around him!

Original poster

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 16:18

@Crushed23 thank you! I'm feeling happy with how things are atm although that little bit of anxiety is always lurking in the background!

Oh I see re Mr Rave. Well it sounds like fun anyway and he seems to really care about you which is lovely - always nice to have an ego boost!

OP posts:

PeachyKeane · 06/02/2025 16:23

Hi. I'm just jumping on the thread. All sounds good for you 2 so far.

I do think it's easier dating in your 50s because all your fucks have truly left the building. I have no expectations whatsoever, tbh. I was just looking for some fun, some sex, new experiences, etc. Don't need anyone to fund me, or support me, or give me babies, marry me, live with me. I literally don't care. So it can be relaxed and organic.

I've enjoyed it immensely.

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 16:27

PeachyKeane · 06/02/2025 16:23

Hi. I'm just jumping on the thread. All sounds good for you 2 so far.

I do think it's easier dating in your 50s because all your fucks have truly left the building. I have no expectations whatsoever, tbh. I was just looking for some fun, some sex, new experiences, etc. Don't need anyone to fund me, or support me, or give me babies, marry me, live with me. I literally don't care. So it can be relaxed and organic.

I've enjoyed it immensely.

I felt an instant pang of jealousy reading this.

How absolutely fantastic it must be!

Fuck biology 😭

PeachyKeane · 06/02/2025 16:30

Downside is I'm very old 😉

Original poster

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 16:36

@PeachyKeane no you're not! And you look about 20 years younger anyway!

OP posts:

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 20:20

I’ve been doing the ‘different’ thing for quite a few years now.

It can be hot. It can also certainly come with its challenges though.

Dating quite similar guys can also come with its challenges though. Eg because you’re from similar backgrounds they may judge you on very subtle differences, whereas actually you’re 90% the same.

I’d say a good mix of similar and different is probably the best.

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 20:42

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 20:20

I’ve been doing the ‘different’ thing for quite a few years now.

It can be hot. It can also certainly come with its challenges though.

Dating quite similar guys can also come with its challenges though. Eg because you’re from similar backgrounds they may judge you on very subtle differences, whereas actually you’re 90% the same.

I’d say a good mix of similar and different is probably the best.

Yeah, my experience of dating similar guys 'on paper' is there's always an undercurrent of competition. The plus side is they understand your life goals better, and often have similar ones themselves. There were lots of problems in my last relationship but not being on the same page about major life decisions was not one. ExDP and I were practically the same person. So naturally I stopped fancying him ha.

At the moment I'm just enjoying the novelty of dating someone completely different who is big and strong and endearingly straightforward. 😎

Did you get to relationship stage with any of these differences men? Does the novelty inevitably wear off?

Day99 · 06/02/2025 20:44

Thanks for the new thread @oldernotwiserffs

Starseeking · 06/02/2025 20:45

Checking in to the new thread so I don't lose it. Thanks @oldernotwiserffs!

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 21:11

@Crushed23 Come to think of it, it’s unlikely I’ll ever date someone too similar to me as I can’t see myself dating a Scandi man.

Yes. So for example I was dating Mr Mechanic for years and it was/is the weirdest dynamic. He was really insecure about our differences (‘why would someone like you date someone like me’ got bandied around sometimes), would highlight them, and struggled to see it as a normal/ serious relationship because he was sure I’d never stick around/ my family and even friends would not approve, every progression stage was a real struggle. The love and trust and comfort were there but so was fear of judgement from wider society. Someone with better self-esteem would have likely acted differently.

Had it more recently with Mr WorkCrush. ‘Oh you’ve had all these experiences and I’ve practically done nothing with my life’ 🤷‍♀️

Had a brief fling with someone who perceived themselves to be from a different background and again they spent time on every date comparing and contrasting. It became exhausting and like I had to prop them up all the time.

I think the trick is to not make the ‘oh we’ve had such different experiences’ the whole personality of the relationship. If the other person is obsessed with that, it’s never going to work, as they bring it up over and over and it can easily feel like resentment. Or if they say over and over they aren’t good enough for you, you’re going to believe it at some point.

Everyone is to some degree different to their partner, both people just need to feel like equal partners IMO.

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 22:14

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 21:11

@Crushed23 Come to think of it, it’s unlikely I’ll ever date someone too similar to me as I can’t see myself dating a Scandi man.

Yes. So for example I was dating Mr Mechanic for years and it was/is the weirdest dynamic. He was really insecure about our differences (‘why would someone like you date someone like me’ got bandied around sometimes), would highlight them, and struggled to see it as a normal/ serious relationship because he was sure I’d never stick around/ my family and even friends would not approve, every progression stage was a real struggle. The love and trust and comfort were there but so was fear of judgement from wider society. Someone with better self-esteem would have likely acted differently.

Had it more recently with Mr WorkCrush. ‘Oh you’ve had all these experiences and I’ve practically done nothing with my life’ 🤷‍♀️

Had a brief fling with someone who perceived themselves to be from a different background and again they spent time on every date comparing and contrasting. It became exhausting and like I had to prop them up all the time.

I think the trick is to not make the ‘oh we’ve had such different experiences’ the whole personality of the relationship. If the other person is obsessed with that, it’s never going to work, as they bring it up over and over and it can easily feel like resentment. Or if they say over and over they aren’t good enough for you, you’re going to believe it at some point.

Everyone is to some degree different to their partner, both people just need to feel like equal partners IMO.

This is really interesting. I think it boils down to self-esteem. Mr Rave has not once mentioned our very obvious differences (except to tell me I’m tiny 😁) and actually we often talk about our similarities, like taste in music. He’s comfortable in his own skin, and is generally unpretentious.

I would absolutely hate to be with someone who was consumed with thoughts of not being good enough for me. What a turn-off. But perhaps that inevitably comes out as things move into serious relationship territory? I’m always at least a little bit conscious of what friends & family might think when I’m contemplating a relationship, and I suspect it crosses most people’s mind to some degree.

YellowTulips25 · 06/02/2025 22:37

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 15:56

@Crushed23 yes 9 dates over 8 weeks. I am assuming exclusivity tbh, I don't think it needs a conversation but I'll give it another 4 weeks and maybe have the DTR conversation then?

Yes i think it might be a novelty for me too. I love how badly he speaks - 'innit', 'ain't' and every other word a swear word. He's so rough and I'm finding that so attractive because he's so different to anyone I've dated before. I do like his qualities too though - he makes me laugh, is polite, emotionally intelligent and available and caring so I'm hoping that even if the novelty of our different background wears off we'll be ok. They do say opposites attract!

So are you thinking Mr Rave might properly have some long term potential now?

Geez, rather you than me! That way of speaking would drive me nuts after about two minutes. He must have some very redeeming qualities, because I'm not sure why else you'd spend time on an uncultured man who sounds less intelligent than a goldfish!

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 22:38

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 22:14

This is really interesting. I think it boils down to self-esteem. Mr Rave has not once mentioned our very obvious differences (except to tell me I’m tiny 😁) and actually we often talk about our similarities, like taste in music. He’s comfortable in his own skin, and is generally unpretentious.

I would absolutely hate to be with someone who was consumed with thoughts of not being good enough for me. What a turn-off. But perhaps that inevitably comes out as things move into serious relationship territory? I’m always at least a little bit conscious of what friends & family might think when I’m contemplating a relationship, and I suspect it crosses most people’s mind to some degree.

Show quote history

Yes he sounds like self-esteem and being avoidant aren’t his issues at all! He sounds secure enough to make all these OTT advances on you 😉 And also perhaps a bit of a people pleaser. A bit of late night armchair psychology! Plus I guess you met through common interests!

Plus aren’t Americans far more confident anyway? 😉

I don’t really know what the answer is… I’ll be honest, if someone has no family or they live far away that’s a big green flag for me as one thing less to worry about 😂

I’ve repeatedly had the ‘not good enough’ issue now. Unless it’s just a polite snub! But equally I don’t like dating someone who has significantly more status and perceives themselves to be better as that makes me feel insecure and like a child. Increasingly I realise that maybe I need to have control and the upper hand in relationships.

I’m truly confused about where my dating life should go right now.

I also notice myself suddenly eyeing up good-looking younger men, which never used to happen before.

Perhaps a midlife crisis!

ElleintheWoods · 06/02/2025 22:47

YellowTulips25 · 06/02/2025 22:37

Geez, rather you than me! That way of speaking would drive me nuts after about two minutes. He must have some very redeeming qualities, because I'm not sure why else you'd spend time on an uncultured man who sounds less intelligent than a goldfish!

Show quote history

She has listed a number of reasons why this guy is lovely… RP is important to some people and a turn-off for others… 🤷‍♀️

The spirit of this thread is generally meant to be supportive.

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 22:55

@ElleintheWoods Oh yeah, he has completely forgotten about the conversation I had with him about wanting to keep things casual. He hasn’t mentioned it again (which is fine, I wouldn’t want to keep bringing it up) and he is basically continuing as before. Messaging a lot, planning dates, offering to buy/make me things for my apartment (the latest is some LED lights that change colour to music), talking about me to his friends and to his parents, telling me about all the road trips he wants to take me on in the summer. It’s somehow suffocating and lovely in equal measure. A bit of a mind fuck, really. I can’t deny that I’m enjoying the attention and we’re definitely getting closer, but I don’t know how it’s going to play out. I think we’re going to end up hurting each other, one way or another. Maybe that’s the price you pay for living in the moment and doing what makes you happy now.

I’m totally with you on wanting control / the upper hand in a relationship. I seem to be slowly relinquishing control with Mr Rave though, because it feels like a safe space to go along with things and do something out of the ordinary, if that makes sense - he’s different, I’m in a new country, he’s too sweet & innocent for it to go too awry, etc.

Reading the above I have so much to explore with my therapist! 😂

Crushed23 · 06/02/2025 22:59

Hahaha r.e. accent! Mr Rave sounds bit like Kermit the frog, so I'm definitely not put off by anything less than RP.

TwistedWonder · 06/02/2025 23:05

YellowTulips25 · 06/02/2025 22:37

Geez, rather you than me! That way of speaking would drive me nuts after about two minutes. He must have some very redeeming qualities, because I'm not sure why else you'd spend time on an uncultured man who sounds less intelligent than a goldfish!

Show quote history

Whereas sneering and looking down on people can never be a redeeming feature.

Original poster

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 23:56

@Crushed23 you do seem a bit confused about Mr Rave!

So maybe it didn't go as well last night with Tradie as I thought. I had to message him first this evening whereas he has been the one to do that for a while now and we only exchanged one message whereas we would usually exchange two or three. I know he has been busy this evening but it does make me feel insecure. He has read my last message but not replied so I assume (hope) he will reply tomorrow which isn't unusual for him but I still worry...

OP posts:

Crushed23 · 07/02/2025 00:21

oldernotwiserffs · 06/02/2025 23:56

@Crushed23 you do seem a bit confused about Mr Rave!

So maybe it didn't go as well last night with Tradie as I thought. I had to message him first this evening whereas he has been the one to do that for a while now and we only exchanged one message whereas we would usually exchange two or three. I know he has been busy this evening but it does make me feel insecure. He has read my last message but not replied so I assume (hope) he will reply tomorrow which isn't unusual for him but I still worry...

It's only one day, he's probably just busy! I sometimes find communication is light straight after a date because you've just spent time together and need a break from each other in the nicest possible way. Do you know what I mean? Almost like you need time to miss each other again.

Yeah, things are a little bit confusing with Mr Rave. I enjoy spending time with him though, so I'm focusing on that. I'm going to his house tomorrow! Getting the train to his town tomorrow night and we're just going to Netflix & chill, then do a little tour of his State on Saturday. I wonder what I'll find out about him 👀 I get to meet the love of his life too (his cat). Looking forward to it.

Original poster

oldernotwiserffs · 07/02/2025 09:07

@Crushed23 panic over, he replied this morning. I really need to get it out of my head that messages = a guy liking me. I appear to be getting very needy in my old age.

Yeah just go with the flow with Mr Rave and enjoy it. It's so easy to rationalise and overthink rather than just focusing on the person in front of us. Enjoy this weekend and please report back!

OP posts:

justanotherboymum · 08/02/2025 06:41

Anyone else finding it hard to find someone with chemistry once you meet?! I've had a few dates (one last night) where it seems really good chatting online but then as soon as I meet them I know nope, not for me even though they are really lovely. Had a great time last night but just as friends. Online dating seems hard work as you put in all this effort messaging and then once you meet it's an immediate no from me 🤦‍♀️