Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

That's why it's important to meet quickly imo. You can build a false sense of intimacy with someone by texting them. I try ti not text that much before we meet irl.

I have finally met one where I experienced the opposite.

We started talking last week, and had a video call a couple of nights ago (which I ordinarily hate as a first interaction after texting, but thought I'd do it for once).

We then met briefly in person last night knowing it would only be for an hour as he had a pre-arranged family thing going on.

Chemistry was off the scale, I've never experienced anything like that before. I used to think I had to build up to knowing someone well before having sex with them, but I could honestly sleep with this guy tomorrow! Let's see how this pans out.

@Starseeking that gives me hope! Keep us updated on how it goes, have you planned to meet again?

@justanotherboymum

Yes. Pretty much every date I had they were nice pleasant guys but there was absolutely no attraction with any of them.

That’s one of reasons I’ve given up for now. It just all seems a waste of time as I really haven’t found that needed in a haystack

@Starseeking that sounds great! When are you seeing him again?

I've been internet dating on and off since summer 2023, so it does take a while. It really is a numbers game. I've been on lots of dates and in that time met less than 5 men I found attractive straight away, but with Mr Radio yesterday, it was different.

I'm not sure we are looking for the same thing; he is 45, has no DC, never been married, seems like he enjoys the single life, whereas I have got 2 DC, and would like a relationship.

Hoping to meet up again this weekend anyway, as I've thrown caution to the wind and decided to be spontaneous (plus DC being at their Dad's helps!).

Can you elaborate a little more? What are you feeling when you meet them? And what are you expecting to feel?

@Starseeking I'm only going for men who already have kids just because I have mine most of the time and so have limited time and I think someone child free wouldn't understand that. I think it completely depends on the circumstances though so hopefully in your case it works well, my friend is dating someone with no kids and it works for her 😀

@ElleintheWoods I'm not hoping for love at first sight or anything but just want to feel like I'd want to kiss them at some point but not getting that at the moment...Maybe I'm being too fussy?

@justanotherboymum are you maybe a slow burn person? (I am, therefore no OLD, no chance I'd feel interested in kissing a stranger!) Or do you feel saturated by choice/ don't feel like there's just this endless parade of available men and nobody really properly captures your attention and imagination?

I felt like that and honestly I just stopped. Just feel like I need to feel a deeper connection with someone before I fancy them, and it wasn't happening under these circumstances for me.

Where are you meeting men if not online then? I have my kids most of the time and they are young so I'm not sure where I'd meet someone unless they professed their love to me on the school run 🤣

@justanotherboymum Do you work in an in-person job? That tends to be a source.

Then people from my past that contact me.

And then people I meet in various public places like events, health club, hobbies etc. Once in a blue moon get chatted up in public too.

I’m not sure if dropping into DMs on social media is still a thing but back in the day when I was in a relationship that used to be a popular way for men to contact women they vaguely knew, too.

To meet men IRL you either have to be out and about a lot.

No I work with all women. I have just joined a gym/health club but otherwise my life revolves around children..! So that's kind of why I need online dating

@justanotherboymum I'm the same, my work is very female dominated so online dating is a necessary evil. It sucks though.

How did you get on @Crushed23?

May I ask your age? Apologies if I missed it. Just curious as you said:
Our biological clocks do drive us wild and I think a lot of women our age choose unsuitable men as the fathers of their children as a result

@Schooool91 I'm 34. A horrible age to be single - all my friends are settled down with kids and it's hard to see them with what I so desperately want. A sperm donor wouldn't work for me as I don't just want a child, I want the family unit too

My workplace is 80% male and I still OLD. Don’t assume working in a male-dominated environment means plenty of eligible single men - nearly everyone is taken and the ones that aren’t are either exceptionally unattractive or too young.

That being said I fancied the pants off a guy in the London office for 2 years but neither of us did anything about it. 🙃

Date went well, it was nice to see where he lives and drive around his state. His town is very suburban and everyone drives everywhere. It’s so different from where I live and highlighted a key difference between us: I’m 100% a city girl and he’s more small town. His house is really nice too, and is essentially a shrine to him - lots of photos of him at every life stage everywhere coz he’s an only child (explains the high self esteem!). Also it was super cute seeing him humour the cat, and kinda put my mind at ease. I just thought there’s a limit to how much of a psycho someone could turn out to be if they’re that good with animals. 😅

I told him I’m busy next weekend which is true, but also I think we need some distance. He proceeded to invite himself round one weekday evening 🤦‍♀️. I said I’d have to confirm if I’m free because I was put on the spot (I think this was just after sex) but I wish I had the balls to say “no, I need some space, let’s meet the week after”.

@Crushed23 omg he's so keen 😂sweet really!

Oh, he could not be more sweet. I'm driving myself crazy waiting for the mask to slip so I can feel less bad about pushing him away.

What if he's genuine 😩

@Crushed23 if he's genuine would you feel better about pursuing something serious with him?

Not really, because it’s just not going to work longterm. I’m not being needlessly pessimistic - we’re fundamentally different people, and I didn’t make the exciting move to my favourite city to swiftly marry a conservative American, move to the suburbs and churn out babies.

All that’s going to happen is we’re going to end up really hurting each other. I think we both know it but neither of us is going to do anything about it now. So maybe we’re similar on one level: we like to bury our head in the sand and not face up to reality.

@Crushed23 not necessarily if you are clear about your intentions, which you have been. One of the best years of my life was when I was seeing a guy - we both knew it couldn't go anywhere because he needed to marry a Jewish girl and I'm not Jewish - but we connected on so many levels and he taught me how to have fun really. It had to end after a year and we were both sad but knew it had a shelf life. We went NC for 3 months to allow us a chance to get over each other and we remained friends for years until he got married and had a baby at which point I felt the right thing to do was bow out. I will never forget him though and I will always be grateful for what we had. Maybe you and Mr Rave will have something similar

So I used to have a rule in my 20s of not dating anyone at work. Aside from that rule I was in a LTR with someone non-industry so it wasn't even really an option!! My old industry was film/TV so quite 'liberal' too.

However something I have massively noticed is that whenever you leave a job role, the men from that role contact you after and not exactly declare their undying devotion, but some really surprising ones come out of the woodworks that were always professional at work and then suddenly try their luck.

I'm guessing that's a common experience for women? Or at least women that work in less PC industries? I now work in finance and it's incredibly kosher IMO compared to the entertainment industry.

I don't really engage with any of them seriously as usually I wouldn't see myself dating them but if I fancy a little flirt I might engage. From men I currently text with, 1 is a former close colleague and 2 are former clients. I've changed industry now and won't be working anywhere near them again so no risk. I'm actually thinking about popping to some of my 'old industry' events purely to scan who is datable.

Relating to your '2 years and nothing' situation... I used to have this in my younger years and then became determined to never have 'what ifs' again.

I had a '2 years and nothing' with a very hot client once... Well, 'nothing' being us having a candlelit dinner and eating a dessert with 2 spoons at a work offsite once. Or him sending me quite personal gifts to the office. Or setting work calls at odd hours. There was a very weird crushy vibe for 2 years, thankfully we were in separate cities so no real opportunity.

Anyway, after I left, he asked me out... To a very public dressy event where all his family were present and I was his +1?! So a very, very theatrical first date, very cinderella. However, on that first date I also learned how self-centred and externally oriented he was, it was all about pictures and image.

Quickest way to get over a work crush!

I don't do 'what ifs' anymore as they'd drive me nuts, on the rare occassion that I really like someone, I follow through now.

So, question, would you entertain London office guy now that you no longer work there?

" However something I have massively noticed is that whenever you leave a job role, the men from that role contact you after and not exactly declare their undying devotion, but some really surprising ones come out of the woodworks that were always professional at work and then suddenly try their luck.

I'm guessing that's a common experience for women? Or at least women that work in less PC industries? I now work in finance and it's incredibly kosher IMO compared to the entertainment industry. "

I've never had this, but I've always worked in Finance where it's pretty frowned upon to try to nail your colleagues / ex-colleagues (this was a lot more acceptable/common in the past though!)

" So, question, would you entertain London office guy now that you no longer work there? "

Well, first of all it was a work crush from afar. I never spoke to him. I only know he felt the same way from another colleague. Then there was all the awkwardness and eye contact whenever we saw each other (which was never more than once a week as we worked in different teams). Another reason I wouldn't entertain it now (even if he moved to my current city / office) is that I spent so long crushing on him that I created a whole persona for him in my head as my Mr Right and so he's definitely going to disappoint! He was SO attractive though, my goodness. Mr Rave is cute but this guy was hot.

Yes, what you've described is the ideal scenario: having an amazing few months to a year together, going to lots of raves and festivals, maybe a couple of road trips, lots of fun dates and copious amounts of sex. Then ending things amicably but staying friends.

But this will only work if we're on the same page about the relationship, and I'm not sure we are. Plus we're getting closer and I don't know how to stop it. When he's telling me something personal I can't exactly tell him to not tell me, if you see what I mean? Or when he's checking in on me all the time like I'm in a coma instead of have a minor hand injury, I can't tell him to back off. Plus I'm enjoying the attention. Riding in his car yesterday, listening to our favourite music, with his hand on my leg... I felt so content. It's very messy / confusing and something to explore with the therapist when I start with her in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for your thoughts though, I really appreciate them. 😊 this thread is brilliant. 💯