Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Any reason you can't meet anywhere other than his house first? It's one thing ending up at a guy's house when a first date goes well, it's quite another to start the date there, if you see what I mean. If I were you, I would suggest meeting in a bar first. Not just from a safety perspective, but to avoid awkwardness if you decide you don't actually like him. Good luck & let us know how it goes.

Interesting... can you link to the thread? I definitely prefer to be the 'taker' in any relationship and want someone who can expand my world. As I said upthread, I hate being the emotional support / horizon-broadener for a man. It invariably makes me feel like his mother and kills any sexual attraction to him.

@Crushed23 here you go: https://www.threads.net/@nikkidlovely/post/DF_QhOozqnP?xmt=AQGzNu5XvzLvlqk4ERVHLLnq8SKHkfKhx_nUFRmKY1ROtw

The language is a bit basic but the point did actually strike me as partially sensible.

I’m still a bit hung up on Mr WorkCrush and I was reading this and thinking ‘oh! Right… Ok, I’m probably an asshole’. Like, we are talking now and I’m literally asking him basic things like ‘so what do your parents do?’ or ‘what is happiness for you?’ or ‘what did you want to become as a child?’

With a lot of previous men I did little thoughtful things, like bring them their favourite treat when they’d had a bad day, or plan things they enjoyed, or just generally take an interest.

I feel like now I’ve gone the other way where I expect to be adored and wined and dined and be told I’m amazing and to a point it works. But I used to be a warm and giving person, a good listener, and now I’ve got my walls up and…

With him it was very much like ‘fix these documents for me, make me a coffee while you’re at it, while I tell you about how amazing I am and dump my trauma on you as well, I’m a total catch for you by the way’. Every. Single. Conversation. Is about me.

Possibly overthinking but I’m not sure who I am in the dating sense anymore. I also feel like I date ideas of people, not the actual people. E.g. I don’t bother to get to know them/ accept the side of them that doesn’t match my idea of them

With a lot of previous men I did little thoughtful things, like bring them their favourite treat when they’d had a bad day, or plan things they enjoyed, or just generally take an interest.

I feel like now I’ve gone the other way where I expect to be adored and wined and dined and be told I’m amazing and to a point it works. But I used to be a warm and giving person, a good listener, and now I’ve got my walls up and…

Maybe you realised bending over backwards for a man isn't worth it because most of them end up disappointing you. Seems sensible to me. 🤷‍♀️ I just associate the role of 'giver' in a relationship with mothering a guy and seem to automatically lose all sexual interest. The only reason it hasn't happened with Mr Rave yet is we're so spectacularly different that you can't even get into a 'who knows more' / 'who's had richer life experiences' / 'who has the wider, cooler social circle' / 'who's on a better career trajectory' sort of comparison. Maybe that's why opposites attract? There's no competition, which is always a passion killer in relationships.

Evening - quick question about your usual safety practices when going back to a date’s place.
I went on a good first date last night with a nice guy. Neither of us looking for commitment - he is enm and I am completely fine with all that. From discussion I think we are pretty much on the same page and he’s invited me to his place next time.
Gut feelings all ok and we spent the whole evening together - he seemed respectful and honest. But obviously I don’t actually know him. Aside from letting a friend know where I’m going and doing a bit of internet research to make sure he is who he says he is - anything else you’d think of doing in advance?

That's all you can do really, isn't it. It's an unpopular opinion on MN, but most men are decent and don't want to cause physical harm to a woman, so remember that. And the ones that do are fairly easy to weed out.

If he becomes verbally abusive/threatening, discreetly record it on your phone. But I hope it doesn't come to that!

Last weekend I went to a man’s house for the first time for a 4th date. It was far away - 1 hour fast train + 30 minute drive (he picked me up) - and in the middle of nowhere. No uber, no public transport, nothing around, the houses on the street are very spread out and we were home alone. If he turned out to be dangerous I would have been in serious trouble. But dating is not a risk-free activity, so you just have to trust your gut / judge of character.

Thanks @Crushed23 I agree it’s never risk free - and I definitely took some stupid risks in my youth that I would not repeat, even though (luckily) nothing bad happened.
As I’m so out of practice I thought it was worth making sure there was nothing obvious I should be thinking of!

@Petra42 I don't generally go for men with no DC as I'm aware he'll want more of my time than I can realistically give, indeed one of my usual swipe right criteria is that he must either have stated on his profile that he has DC, or is silent on it as those who don't have DC tend to advertise.

I only swiped right on Mr Radio as I found him so unbelievably attractive and he had great banter from the off (his first message was all about something in my profile). He's since turned out to be less respectful than I'd like, so I've not met him again since our first date, and I'm now fading him out slowly.

Well, look, if you are in a loving relationship with someone, you want those things done for you, and so does the other person. Relationships are utimately give and take. You can't force your kindness on people but kindness and niceness are ultimately very attractive qualities during key moments.

Yes, previously I was far too nice and forgave a lot, and I wasn't valued because they knew I'd always be there. Til I wasn't.

However, I'm not sure I give anything at the moment. I mean come on, how can I pretend to be invested in someone while shutting them down everytime they open up to talk about themselves? Or if someone brings me a gift everytime they see me, barely say thank you and never give them anything? Run significantly late and not even apologise? There's countless examples from the last 12 months of me being an asshole to men who have been perfectly nice to me, their main shortfall being displaying interest.

Like I say I'm overthinking due to the specific situation but I also feel like I need to change and not treat someone that treats me well poorly just because I've been taken advantage of in the past and am afraid of getting too close, or hurt. If you feel like you have to tell someone you're losing 'I wish I had treated you better when I had the chance' then something's not right.

I used to be someone that people described as 'a really nice person' and I want to embrace that side of myself a bit more in the dating context. Really nice people with good manners are actually very, very attractive.

You should give your friend his address, and also send a "live location" message to the same friend once you arrive there. Not the most preventative measure for danger, but at least they'll know where to find you 😉

those who don't have DC tend to advertise.

This is the opposite of my experience @Starseeking Most profiles I come across don't mention kids which I take to mean they don't have kids. It's mentioned by exception in conversation too. This is probably a tad ageist of me, but I only ask the question 'do you have children?' if a guy is 40+ and isn't obviously child-free from his profile e.g. "Just back from 2 years travelling around Asia."

@Crushed23 I tend to ask in the first few messages exchanged to clarify, so I don't take it for granted that they do/don't. Keen to meet someone who does have DC though!

@noo2old Apart from the things shared (like live location, address) only other thing if you want to be super-careful is to agree to contact your friend in a certain timeframe, and if you don't, then there's a problem (and agree beforehand how to handle that). Personally if I had any bad feelings/ gut instinct, I wouldn't go.

@crushed what did he get you for valentine's day?

Tradie and I had a lovely time last night, he paid for a hotel room for us and today he showed me his new house. He got me a card too which I wasn't expecting as we are only 'seeing each other'. My only concern is that he was quite sad about his dad yesterday and spoke about it a lot, which is fine - he always thanks me for listening and 'putting up with' him but I wonder if this will affect his ability to engage properly in a relationship

Hi all,

Just dropping in to say hello. I am dating, but finding that it is bringing up some difficult thoughts and feelings. It requires a lot of resilience, doesn't it? But I do really want to meet someone so its a necessary evil right now.

Just having a pity party!

@summerbreeze10 what difficult feelings and thoughts are you experiencing? For me it has brought up a lot of anxiety and really highlighted my low self esteem. It's not an easy process, that's for sure.

Ok ladies WWYD.

About 18 months ago I matched with a man on OLD and we had a couple of really good dates. Then after the second I went on holiday for a week with my friend and I felt like he pulled back. He’d only been separated about 9 months at that point and I just felt maybe he was having a wobble because he wasn’t ready - I’ve been there myself so I totally get it

I said to him I wasn’t sure he was ready and he got a bit stroppy and said I wasn’t sure blowing him out do we cut contact.

Anyway out of the blue yesterday he sent me a WhatsApp saying I’d come up on his people you might know on FB and he hasn’t ever hit me out of his head and that he came off OLD because I was right and he wasn’t in right headspace back then.

So I sent a I friendly and polite response back and then he replied ‘I really think I made a mistake not meeting you again but my head was all over the place. I really regret it as I really really liked you’

I must admit he’s the only man I’ve met in last few years that I felt a diary with but obviously it’s been 18 months and I don’t really know what to do.

So any advice? WWYD?

Twistedwonder why don't you give it another go with him?
Mr handsome was radio silence for 5 hours last night,so we didn't meet up. But then a bit of texting later and he said he'd ring me tonight after 10pm and nothing! First guy I've liked since I started OLD,which tbf has only been since last Wednesday. I don't get it! Why be on OLD and have great conversation with someone and then be like this??

@TwistedWonder GO! Give him a chance. What’s there to lose?

If someone makes contact like that after all this time, and you say you’ve rarely met anyone as good, sounds like no-brainer to me.

I had a regret about a guy this year, I thought I made a mistake, spent time with him again, realised I hadn’t made a mistake and we really weren’t a match, and at least I know, no what-ifs.

Anyway. GO!!! Message the poor bloke back, he’s really put himself out there and been vulnerable too. That’s worth something.

@TwistedWonder if I were you I would definitely go. You will lose nothing except a few hours of the day/evening, and you could potentially gain what you are looking for in a relationship.

Go and meet him, even if it doesn't work out as you hoped, at least you'll never have that "what if" feeling afterwards.

Thank you ladies - you’ve confirmed what I’m thinking that why not give him a chance?

He’s now over 2 years separated which means he’s probably in a very different head space to he was back then.

I did feel at the time that he was carrying a lot of baggage but as a divorcee myself, I know that our baggage lessens as we come to terms with our new place in life.

I know he’s been out all day today as he is a football season ticket holder so I’d imagine he’s had a good drink today (we support same team and they lost at home)

So I’ll message in the morning saying I feel the same and see what happens next. Nothing to lose is there? At worst it’s a few hours having a drink with a mate

@TwistedWonder That's a nice message to get! Totally agree with others, you should definitely give him a chance. Good luck & report back.

He hasn't given it to me yet. We're not seeing each other until next Friday. I think I know what it is anyway (a key chain).

It sounds like you had a lovely Valentine's! I think 'seeing each other' is a good place to be after 2 months, especially as it's exclusive and you're still enjoying each other's company. Remind me, do you and Mr Tradie live near each other or is this currently long distance-ish? Could it work longterm on a practical level?

Seeing so many people's V-day plans on instagram did make me slightly regret purposefully avoiding Mr Rave this weekend. In hindsight, it was a bit of a cold thing to do. You can still spend V-day together if you're only FWBs. Anyway, feeling a tad guilty this evening. I'll have to make it up to him next weekend. We're going to our first rave since the rave we met at ~2 months ago, and it will be with some friends who were with me the night we met. I haven't explained to them that the guy I'm bringing is the guy from that night or the fact I'm sleeping with him now. 😅

I've had a couple of dates in the past few days. Should've had three, but Mr Psychotherapist had to cancel sadly - will maybe see him next time I'm in his neck of the woods (I split my time between home and my parents' place, 100 miles apart but will be moving near my folks, so primarily dating there).

Had drinks with Mr Education on Thursday evening, conversation flowed and he made me laugh a lot, had a little kiss at the end and he's definitely keen to see me again. I enjoyed his company but not sure if I feel anything yet, maybe it's a slow burn so I'll definitely give it a second date. He's messaged this morning to see if I fancy meeting up nearer me, next weekend.

Saw Mr Trail/Mr Mountains yesterday afternoon for a couple of pints. Just no. I think he managed to ask me about two questions, mainly talked about himself and his views and his knowledge. Baaad teeth.

I felt like I was just there to be a captive audience for all his monologues. And then they seem surprised when you're not interested in seeing them again 🙄

@TwistedWonder I agree with everyone else - why not give him a chance?

@Applesandpears1806 that's really bad, I'm sorry. Will you call him out on it?

@Crushed23 we don't live far at all, 20-30 mins away although can be longer when there is traffic. Doable though. I wouldn't feel guilty not seeing Mr Rave on V day - he is so into you that it might have given him the wrong message about how you see him. If you still don't see him as a long term option i think it's sensible to keep some distance because he does seem to get carried away!