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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has no life

189 replies

SwaySong · 06/02/2025 07:38

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 06/02/2025 07:40

My DH has a peoply job and no time or energy for friends. However he is happy for me to go out wherever and whenever I want. I would find this suffocating too. I don't enjoy being in each other's pockets

What does he say if you bring this up?

JimHalpertsWife · 06/02/2025 07:42

Would he benefit from a dog?

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 06/02/2025 07:43

It’s exhausting I could have written your post. Like if he’s in a room and I go in to it and then out to do other jobs then back in then out again he looks at me all upset and says where are you going now…. I feel like a baby sitter sometimes

username299 · 06/02/2025 07:43

I don't understand the question. What can you do about what? He's not a toddler you take to playdates.

pearbottomjeans · 06/02/2025 07:44

What have you tried so far? You never know, he might get the message after one attempt, so then that’s problem solved. ‘Go and find something to do, I need some alone time!’.

Porkyporkchop · 06/02/2025 07:44

I think ignoring this is the best idea. I would remind him he is an adult and laugh it off next time. If he can see he is not being fair , perhaps he can make a conscious effort to stop the pining.

Hillrunning · 06/02/2025 07:47

Are any if you responding autistic? OP I think you are much more likely ro get useful solutions from people who are autistic. I am, and I fully understand 'wait mode' and being confused when I don't understand what my partner is doing with time. I have to rush to work now and have a very full on few days so can't reply properly but would like to so shall come back in a few days.

Original poster
SwaySong · 06/02/2025 07:47

Lentilweaver · 06/02/2025 07:40

My DH has a peoply job and no time or energy for friends. However he is happy for me to go out wherever and whenever I want. I would find this suffocating too. I don't enjoy being in each other's pockets

What does he say if you bring this up?

He'd never stop me from going out but I do feel so guilty leaving him, he gets so down and low.

We've chatted and he's said he doesn't see any problem, he said he's happy to wait for me to be back home.

Whatever I'm doing he wants to join, if I say I'm seeing a friend to see a film he'll say 'oh I'd have liked to see that with you'.

He'd love nothing more than staying in every evening watching TV, with me right there beside him.

I wish he'd go out with friends then I can do more, but he doesn't have any! And he's not good at planning anything so he won't put himself out there to make friends.

He did have friends when we met - but he make any effort with them, they got busy with families and that's that.

OP posts:
sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 06/02/2025 07:48

*He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do*

Tell him It's suffocating and that it has to change

Tell him It's affecting the way you feel about him

Help him find a hobby

Or two hobbies

Suggest he does some voluntary work

If necessary set up a timetable showing him when you're available. Explain that the remainder of the time he needs to amuse himself, preferably out of the house

Have couples counselling

Octavia64 · 06/02/2025 07:49

You may find that pets help solve this problem.

Dogs are more sociable but more work.

Cats are less work but can be less sociable.

Either are good for company.

Original poster
SwaySong · 06/02/2025 07:49

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 06/02/2025 07:43

It’s exhausting I could have written your post. Like if he’s in a room and I go in to it and then out to do other jobs then back in then out again he looks at me all upset and says where are you going now…. I feel like a baby sitter sometimes

YES!

Oh I could cry with validation.

It's his sad face... 'where are you going?' and 'Will you be long?'

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 06/02/2025 07:49

I suppose this is an autism thing and I have no experience of that.

I would still find it difficult. Stop feeling guilty though.

Fibrous · 06/02/2025 07:49

In my group of friends we’re have two types of men - the ones who have no friends and never leave the bloody house, or the ones that have all the hobbies and see no issue with disappearing all day at the weekend and shirking all responsibilities. I have the former. It’s annoying but I just make sure I leave the house a lot to get some time away from him.

JimHalpertsWife · 06/02/2025 07:51

At the bare minimum you need to lay it out for him how manipulative (even if unintentional) it is to do the sad face shit when you have plans with other people.

Surely he can understand that he either fakes cheeriness or takes himself off somewhere with a book while you are getting ready to go out.

The guilt tripping at you just doing ordinary things would have me on the verge of murder.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/02/2025 07:52

I couldn’t live like this, personally. I would find it unbearably stifling and limiting and also I couldn’t be sexually attracted to someone who was like a dependent child.

And his autism doesn’t mean you are forced to tolerate it.

A lot of people will feel differently but that would be a dealbreaker for me.

jeaux90 · 06/02/2025 07:52

I think a dog is a good shout. I'm getting DD15 one this year she has AuDHD and doesn't socialise at all apart from with family.

Not2identifying · 06/02/2025 07:53

I'm NT but, like a PP's husband, I have a 'peoply' job and it's exhausting. So I don't tend to socialise. But I do have lots of solitary hobbies. You could discuss some ideas with him. Mine include dog-related stuff(walking, classes, volunteering), reading, cooking and baking, gardening, TV quiz shows (but if I had more energy I'd be up for doing that with people), and swimming.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/02/2025 07:53

Fibrous · 06/02/2025 07:49

In my group of friends we’re have two types of men - the ones who have no friends and never leave the bloody house, or the ones that have all the hobbies and see no issue with disappearing all day at the weekend and shirking all responsibilities. I have the former. It’s annoying but I just make sure I leave the house a lot to get some time away from him.

It’s grim isn’t it? Why can’t they behave like normal functioning humans. They are so inferior to us.

Agix · 06/02/2025 07:54

The only issue in this scenario is your guilt. He's not trying to stop you. So stop feeling guilty. Problem solved.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 07:56

What he is doing isn't fair on you at all.

It's suffocating and self absorbed, and you probably never properly relax.

Whilst autism may well be the why, it doesn't change the effect it has on you.

I'd be exhausted by that but have no idea what the answer is. I imagine going out more you wouldn't enjoy, knowing what you're coming home to.

I'm not going to suggest ltb as he clearly has good traits and getting a solution would be more preferable to you...BUT, I do think if you were free from this you will be blown away from the weight lifted off your shoulders and the sheer joy of peace at home.

gannett · 06/02/2025 07:57

We've chatted and he's said he doesn't see any problem, he said he's happy to wait for me to be back home.

As well as looking into a dog I'd suggest believing him when he says this. It sounds a bit like you're making this a problem when it... might not be one in the first place. I suspect that the guilt you feel is partly people-pleasing tendencies, and partly projecting what you'd feel in his place with no social life. But he says there's no problem and he's happy.

So carry on doing what you want to do. Let him go into wait mode. Believe him when he says he's content with this. If you think he looks upset that you're gone, ignore it - you may be misreading his facial expression. Remember what he actually says with his words, not his face. Stop feeling guilty!

Lentilweaver · 06/02/2025 07:59

Oh, I should say my DH has plenty of solitary hobbies. He goes to the cinema, attends meditation classes, takes long walks and goes to the gym alone. Hr just doesn't have many friends.

wateraddict · 06/02/2025 07:59

This sounds really difficult and it must be hard to cope with. From the way you have talked about what your husband says to you does he have notice of your social plans? Is it possible that he had an idea in his head about what his day would involve which may give him some sense of control or is it possible he may have had an idea as to what his day would involve and then your plans make a difference to what he was expecting?

I don't mean that you need to justify. I mean, it's it from the basis of communicating with notice.

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 06/02/2025 08:03

Does he have any "special interests" at all?

I agree with a pp that you should take him at his word when he says it's fine.

sometimesmovingforwards · 06/02/2025 08:03

Jeez that sounds so weird for a partner to be that way <shudder>