DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

First off, I think you need to deal with your own feelings. You shouldn't feel guilty. Your DH has told you that he is fine "waiting" for you. Take his word for it.
Second thing, I would maybe gently suggest some therapy for your DH to help him to manage his emotions and to recognise those of other people. He perhaps needs to learn coping mechanisms for social situations. These don't come naturally to people with ASD and need to be taught and internalised. Maybe he has never been able to do that
Then, I would make sure that he's aware of your plans well in advance, with lots of reminders, maybe even a planning calendar on the wall with your s schedule clearly marked on it. It looks as if you provide the framework of his life and so he needs to know what to expect from you, especially if he is routine focussed.
Does he not have any special interests? All my ASD sons have them. Could you suggest something like a boardgame club or an online community for whatever his interest is?
I, too, recommend getting a pet. It gives people something outside themselves and their relationships to focus on and learning to respond to their needs is a great lesson for anyone, not just someone with ASD.
Also, I would suggest, with kindness, that you do some reading into ASD and how it affects people. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but I think that you might not understand autism very well. It's utterly exhausting and very confusing being an autistic person in an NT world. Perhaps you could also do with talking to someone about it. It can be very difficult for the partners of people with autism to understand what's going on with their loved ones, too.

Nor does it say that they aren't dog lovers...

Can you encourage him to join a group? My husband goes to a thing called the round table once a fortnight. Or could he volunteer for something like first responders?

This is what I was going to say too

He absolutely may be happy waiting for you at home, and you may be projecting feelings and resentment onto him that actually aren’t there. None of us can say what your dh is thinking, and he’s told you he’s quite happy. He does ‘have a life’ just not one that looks like yours, and I think respecting his choice, and the value of a life that’s different, is probably the way forward. It doesn’t sound as though he is asking you to change what you’re doing, or to change anything really?

MN is a very ableist place. You’re about to get the ‘man-child’ comments and cries of LTB, and his autism isn’t an excuse etc etc

You married the guy for a reason, I’m guessing you love him and he has qualities that you value?

I’m autistic, and fwiw I really value alone time and down time. I don’t want to go out and socialise, and I don’t want hobbies. I’m happy in my own space. That doesn’t mean I’d expect a partner to also stay home, or that I’d mind if they went out. Are you sure he minds?

The flip side is that I too would find it suffocating if he really does want your company 24/7 or to monitor your movements. I think it’s fine to tell him that. He won’t know if you don’t say so.

I think your feelings about it, and the guilt you feel are yours to manage and not his fault. Working on that, and why you feel responsible for him might be a way forward?

This is what I wondered.

I also why it has just become a problem now?

I was going to suggest a dog. My husband gets so much out of ours. If that's not feasible then a cat. A ragdoll thinks like a dog is very affectionate and good company.

I really don't see this thread in the same way as you.
Whilst autism is legally recognised as a disability, many autistic people don't consider themselves to be 'disabled', just 'differently abled'. This is particularly true for those (like the OP's husband) who are labelled 'high functioning', i.e. they don't have additional problems such as learning disability.
I would certainly not make the comparison to something like a head injury.

Besides which, as several posts here show, many non-autistic men show similar traits of being too dependent on their wives for entertainment and a social life. Also, autistic people generally are fine with being alone.

I don't think the OP's issues with her husband are necessarily linked to him being autistic. IT may just be his personality, and the autism is a red herring in this situation.

Yes he's said he quite happy, yet he was found upset in the lounge because she was in another room and he missed her ...

Get him a Siamese kitten and just let him get on with it.

What would you suggest op does? If you understand why not offer some constructive advice?

I could have written this post. But I'm not as I left. I couldn't spend my life at home in front of the tv with him. Yes he was happy for me to go out BUT I started to get greater emotional contact and comfort from my group of friends than I did him. I want experiences and fresh air and sunshine. Over the years this became more of a priority than his "love" for me.

this is Me! but I love when DH is busy and goes out! I could be a hermit! BUT I learnt along time ago to love my own company so as much as I love spending some time with DH, I might actually say I'm happier when I'm alone! I can't stand having friends or being around people! I've had one best friend whom I message everyday but probably seen her once in the last 3 years! He needs to learn to love his own company to be able to cut the feeling of loneliness off

This sounds unhealthy OP. Your life reminds me of women who have an overtly controlling OP, except, you're being unintentionally controlled. I'm sure you want someone affectionate who gives you attention, but your situation has veered into suffocating. If he keeps being sad when you go into a different room to do something that doesn't involve him, I think you will eventually find this maddening and a big turn off.

It looks like his special interest is you. However, I'm not sure if you could characterise him as having no life, it's just not one that fit most people's definition of having a life.

Does he not watch TV, game, scroll internet forums, that kind of thing? If he does, that's his hobby, and spending time with you. He simply doesn't need other people, but it does make him vulnerable.

Your title is "DH has no life" and yet he is happy. It's you that is not happy. I'm also autistic and am a homebody and me and my husband live in each other's pockets (he's also autistic). You're not going to change him. Friendships are incredibly hard to maintain as a ND person. Either accept him or move on.

Yes, my friend’s wife divorced him too. I think she no longer wanted a marriage to a sofa-bound man who regarded her friendships and hobbies as some kind of frantic whirl, because his own idea of changing things up was switching channels from Dave Deja Vu to ITV.

As your DH had friends at one point but didn't maintain the friendships, he had made a conscious choice not to have friends. That is his prerogative, but it means that he will need to be self sufficient in terms of leisure time, he cannot just rely on you and behave like a needy toddler when mummy leaves the room. He needs to find some hobbies that he can do alone.

@dovetail22uk True, but come on. He's starting to get upset when she even goes into a different room to do anything that doesn't involve him. It's very context dependent and it would be reasonable to feel that way if he feels she's ignoring him, but it sounds like he's getting like that when she's just doing very average things that don't have to involve another person.

What had happened to make this a problem now?

Are you recently married? Surely you knew what he was like before you married him?

This is a great idea. What about buying him a project that will take up.some time, like building models and painting them.

I understand 100% that it must be suffocating. And irritating. But he doesn't see the problem and that's kind of the problem! He's happy with how things are. I honestly don't think that things will change as he's happy and doesn't see an issue so won't be able to see that things could be better for OP. I mean, it's a good idea to have a conversation about it but if this is how he is then you'd probably be better off out of the situation. Even if he stops saying it he'll still be thinking it with little puppy dog eyes!

The OP said he used to have friends when they met, but made no effort to maintain them, so they dropped away.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

Not happy. Upset in the other room.