DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

Might he enjoy a fish tank? This can become a very absorbing hobby. Rather like Mrs Collins encouraging her husband in his gardening in Pride and Prejudice.

I disagree.

Asking if she will be long is likely, for an autistic person, just asking for information so he knows what to expect.

I don’t think he’s has said he misses her. And if he has, he might think it’s a nice thing to say! He can’t know, without being told, that the op is reading into that that he would like her not to go!

This is exactly what I mean by the double empathy problem. It seems to me that people are reading into the DH’s behaviour and seeing motives that may not be there.

Charlotte also, if you’ll remember, gave her husband the use of the nicest room at the front of the house for his study, so that he could amuse himself looking out the window and spotting Lady Catherine and Miss Anne de B passing, and not keep coming into her room to curtain-twitch.

Perhaps the OP could encourage her husband to take an interest in the local aristocracy.

Maybe OP doesn't want to be in a situation where she is responsible for thinking up amusements for her partner to stop his eyes boring into the back of her head every time she leaves the house.

A fish tank? A shopping trolley and a list you've written? A budgie? Try him with a little airfix model and see how he gets on? Sod that. Yes there are a thousand better ways he could be spending his time but it's so deeply unattractive to have to project manage an adult partner in this way, it isn't something I would ever entertain doing. I would struggle to do it for anyone past childhood and even then it was a bloody bore.

I think the only way is for you to crack on and let him do the same and not be manipulated by his pleas for company. Leave him to it and he'll work it out or he won't. You'll be busy and fulfilled either way.

I’d probably just try and change your way of thinking tbh. He says he’s happy, albeit missing you. His mind works very differently to yours. You’re thinking he feels a certain way but he actually may not be feeling that way at all.

@WaitingForMojo OP mentions that when she came back into a room he was in he was noticeably upset because he missed her. Whilst she was in the next room. He appears to be a high functioning caring man and it seems odd to me that he wouldn’t understand that that level of attachment would be a little much for most people.

He also suggests it would be nicer to do XY together when she mentions she is going with friends. Again he may just be sharing the first thing that comes to mind but it is indicative of a pattern of manipulation whether by design or default - how many times would she hear that and feel guilt before the easiest option is not to do anything with friends.

I do think the advice from others for OP to do as she needs to and learn to manage any guilt she feels is good but I also think her partner has to learn to manage his feelings too.

The notion that all ND people are inflexible automatons incapable of change, who must never be challenged or upset, is not helpful.
We all have to learn to adapt and live in the world and in relationships with others, that’s not just the responsibility of NT people.

I used to be a bit like this with my ex (I am an AuDHD woman). He found it strange that I didn't desire any friendship outside of our relationship, but I was genuinely quite content with him as my best friend and my solitary hobbies. Problem is, when that relationship ended I was left with nobody. I don't have contact with family. That was a very traumatic and difficult time and so even if your relationship is going to last I'd advise him to work on developing some friendships even just for the sake of avoiding that fate as it isn't a good one!

You cannot change which way the wind blows, but you can trim your sails accordingly

I'm reading this thread with great interest. I feel for you OP, and I hope some of the advice helps.

I had similar issues with my STBXpartner, who isn’t autistic or ND, but somewhat socially awkward and anxious. It wasn’t the only issue between us, but it was definitely a factor in our relationship breaking down.

We saw a couples therapist and his lack of friends or social life was discussed. The therapist said that in a significant majority of the heterosexual couples he saw - I think he said about 90% - the woman had lots of friends and support outside the relationship, and the man had little or none. I was quite shocked and saddened by this.

Neurodiversity issues aside, men are often not good at building support networks for themselves. Male loneliness is a thing.

And even if they aren’t stopping you in any way from doing your own thing without them, the feeling that your partner has noone but you, puts pressure on the relationship.

I am an autistic woman and can relate to your husband. I only have very few friendships and am happy at home, whereas my husband is much more sociable! I have been shamed many times in my life for not having many friends or going out much. I am not unhappy in my life but occasionally people comments make me feel this burning embarrassment and feel i am very weird! It’s not OK for your husband to make you feel unable to socialise freely, but make sure that he is unhappy and you’re not projecting how you would feel with his life.

You sound like a really kind wife by the way!

I was coming to say this. I also have the former, but 100 per cent prefer it to the latter (not saying he never shirks even within the house though!)

My H has lots of friends but none who live local enough to just pop round too or go for a pint with - he's not sporty either, so no golf/cycling etc - it's one reason I have a desk in town when I could easily work from home ( he does) otherwise I would be seeing him 24/7

What I understood from the post was not that the DH actually said he was upset because he missed her, but that the OP interpreted his demeanour that way? If he is actively complaining when she spends time in a different room then I agree.

I also don’t necessarily think it’s manipulative for him to say that he would have liked to go to certain events. I think that’s attributing NT motives where they might not be there. For an autistic person, it’s more likely to be a statement of fact rather than a game playing or attempt at emotional manipulation. Autistic people are usually more straightforward than that and aren’t expecting you to be reading into things in this way.

I also agree that it’s the responsibility of both parties. It’s just that usually, people expect the ND person to do all the adapting and accommodating, then get very upset when it’s suggested the NT person needs to accommodate too. I think many people don’t realise that ND people spend most of their lives accommodating and adapting to others.

I also don’t think you can unintentionally manipulate someone. Surely manipulation has to be a deliberate attempt to control someone’s behaviour? If the intention isn’t there, it isn’t manipulation?

I think some people are manipulative without fully realising this about themselves. They lack the self awareness.

There are psychopathic/narcissistic types who are deliberately manipulative, and don’t care that they are doing this to people. Or who even get off on it.

But Ive also known people who try and manipulate situations to their advantage, without really recognising what they are doing. Eg They find it difficult to ask for what they want directly, and allow the other person to say no directly, and instead do some weird manipulation to engineer the result they want. But it’s behaviour that is below their own conscious awareness.

Im not saying this is what the OPs husband is doing

@WaitingForMojo manipulative is a loaded word. Conditioning might be better and not necessarily a direct intention but the end result can be the same.

NT people making allowances for ND people is of course ideally what would happen without any great thought or effort but it’s equally important for ND people to meet any compromise.

Too often we see on here absolutely awful behaviour attributed to autism - or dementia to be fair - as if that excuses it and nothing can be changed because that’s just how ‘those’ people are.

It perpetuates lazy stereotypes about how ND people ‘are’ and it’s as offensive as ableism.

Sometimes people are just dickheads and don’t need a label of ND to ‘excuse’ it. OPs partner sounds like a decent man and his behaviour might be down to things other than his autism and should be a conversation OP can have without feeling like she’s kicking a little helpless puppy.

He told you he is fine with your social outside activities.

My interest is in where your guilt is stemming from? It seems to me you may be carrying into this situation, historical hiccups that have affected you deeply.

Do you have an earlier life involving feeling trapped? Do you have earlier upsets involving in issue being made out of you exploring the world, or perhaps being forced into doing this when you were not ready? Such that you now feel it’s an ingrained imperative to be out, and that not to do so is an unacceptable moral failing?

I ask you these questions because it is something I have had to explore within myself. Sometimes our beliefs are generational, not only they may not stem from you, but indeed, they may stem from grandparents, or great grandparents!

Have you explored and interrogated your core beliefs about this thing regarding socialising and hobbies?

I don’t disagree with you here

My brother is autistic;my parents got him a dog as they thought it would help him and they've ended up having to take full responsibility for her care as my brother got bored after realising that a dog takes a lot of effort to care for.

Suggesting OP encourages her DH to get a dog could end up in the long run creating a lot of work and responsibility for her not him

I'd encourage him to find a hobby that he's interested in;you could groups for just about everything these days.

Thank you for all the replies - just catching up.

It would be a hard no regarding getting a dog - for many reasons but not least because it would end up being my responsibility and my life is full enough!

DH is a good man - I wouldn't leave him. We have a lovely life together on the whole, I just really wish he would get more out of life. He has very little confidence which is really sad, as he's lovely.

I definitely won't sacrifice having my life though, bless him if that means 'waiting mode' is often activated, then I'll just have to stop feeling guilty.

Sounds awful. What does he have to talk about? I’d find it really unattractive. He does know you may die before him? He needs to find himself a life!

Thank you - you completely understand.

I hope the new MH nurse is a positive step forward!

He has to ask himself what he wants to do when he is free. Is he working or you are supporting the whole family?