DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

I am in a lot of group hobbies and there are never any men.

I hope she told him that it’s not normal to not want to see more than one person.

OP, I’d get on with what you want to do. My DH isn’t t like this really - BUT there were assumptions after lockdown when it became clear that he would only be going into the office one day a week that I would tell him what I was doing, where I was going etc on my non-working day. He’d assumed we’d have lunch together - at his chosen time. Not a chance. I value my own freedom and I just leave the house when I need or want to when he’s working and don’t feel the need to run everything by him. My DF and DSM are the same - whereas PIL do almost everything together. I’d find that suffocating.

My dh isn't nd however he can be like this sometimes
If im going out to see a friend or parents etc he always asks how long il be which winds me up
My response is however long i want to be.

His response to that is always oh it doesn't matter when etc

The other thing is il make plans and he will sometimes say what about if we do such and such first and you do that later to which I normally reply no I've set my plans.

What normally comes out of my mouth is that I'm not his entertainment.

Try that op

I can certainly think of several men I know who do or have done this (and none of them are neurodivergent.) It’s singularly unattractive. One friend I’ve known while he was married, then divorced, and now in a cohabiting relationship of three years. He does briefly turn into someone who voluntarily leaves the house in order to get a new relationship, and in the early stages of a relationship. Then he turns back into someone who just sits on the sofa. He seems to think it’s women’s job to ‘make me do things’.

I remember when I first got to know him (we were colleagues) him talking about friends. Then I realised they were university friends, and he’d seen them once, if at all, since university — he was in his early 50s. The events he was recalling took place in the eighties. When he got married, his fiancée (not him!) went around trying to find contact details for people he hadn’t been in touch with in fifteen years, otherwise his side of the church would have been empty but for his parents. She even asked one of his university friends to be his best man!

I guess that doesn’t involve cycling, historic battle reconstruction, or mountain climbing 😂

My partner is the same, but luckily we don't live together! I try to encourage him to do things, join clubs etc but he never seems to enjoy them. He doesn't mind me doing things on my own but often hints that he'd like to come with me. (We do things together too but don't always like the same things.) I guess you can't change other people and it's unfair to have to change yourself. You just have to accept the good and the not-so-good aspects. Not very helpful, I'm afraid!

Is there a sport centre that does classes something like boot camps or circuit training

Ha, no, it doesn't. Though I would love to be in a historic battle reconstruction club some day.

@SwaySong "He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me."

I assume he doesn't work?

Any children?

Have you considered therapy for yourself too OP? You could equally do with support understanding autistic traits, body language and behaviours. Posters are saying her needs to understand you better but it sounds like you also don't understand him.

Please let him sort out his own hobby, it's not your responsibility to think for him, he's an adult. Tell him how you feel and ask him to stop it as it's making you unhappy. Suggest he sorts himself out as you're not going to stop going out.

Also please don't get a dog, they can be hard work at the start and if he doesn't take to it then it'll fall to you and will be another thing you have to do, potentially also restricting your social life.

But ‘having literally no life outside me’ is a pretty major thing to file in the ‘not-so-good’ category. I mean, DH makes me cups of coffee and does all the cooking and grocery shopping in this household and still has a life of his own, too!

These responses are so horrible. This man has a disability stop comparing him to a toddler. It has really opened my eyes to how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who actually understand autism.

OP - if your husband had sustained a head injury that made him miss you when he did know where you were, would you be as unsympathetic?

Anyway, I've reported this whole thread as it is the first time any thread on mumsnet has actually upset me. I hope whoever reviews it can see how ableist the responses are.

hand him a paintbrush?

I would tell him how you feel and tell him you want to go out without worrying about him , ask him to make it easier for you

if he can’t/ won’t you have to put up with it and just crack on with it

I’m not NT and am officially disabled But I make a big effort to retain friendships and push myself to have a life outside home. That’s because I am not lazy, I know the benefits of doing this far outweighs the perceived security of ‘home’. He’s dependent on you in an unhealthy way.
As an aside, I had a good friend with a husband like yours and she brought him along on meet ups where he sat gormlessly staring at us. She was dreading him retiring. She talked about him like he was a pet, not a partner.

Do you need to be more direct with him? Tell him exactly what behaviour is bothering you and how it makes you feel.

My husband is/was the same. It was making him miserable. He's also likely autistic.

I ended up letting him tag along when I went out and then I tried double dates with my friend's and their partners.

However, it all hit a head when he mistook one of my friends flirting with him as friendship (he can't read social cues) and then her husband found out. And then he asked another of my friends out to a band gig and angered her husband. Then the rumours about us spread that he was trying it on with married women. It was mortifying for me. But I knew that he wasn't, he is just really bad at recognising social cues and what is and isn't acceptable neurotypical behaviour.

Anyway, I digress. He ended up in therapy at this point after having a breakdown. And that was the best thing that could have happened. He's recognised he's likely autistic, he's talking through his loneliness, his desire to have friends but how he doesn't know how to make them and with the therapist they're now trying new ways for him to push himself to go out, meet people etc, but in a socially acceptable way.

I'm now the one who feels a bit left out at home when he's off out again with his new group of friends. And I'm finding the lack of dependence on me actually quite hard, because it's such a change after 20 years, I feel a bit lost. But it's all a learning curve and we're getting used to the new norm.

Would your husband be up for private therapy? To talk through his feelings and why he finds it so hard to do stuff without you.

My DP is also high functioning and sweet, great partner etc, in this ways you’ve described.

He has a few friends but mostly keeps to himself. If I am doing something else he stays occupied with his own interest at home. Mind you, wait mode did ring a bell with me, this was something he did at the very start.

I would struggle with this OP. I think I’d need to express how I felt about not being able to freely go out while he waits at home. Or maybe you’ll need to cook up some at home hobbies you think might inspire his interest!

I have a partner the same so I feel you. We've been together 11 years now and you just have to let them get on with it to be honest. He won't travel so I went away by myself last year for ten days as I'm not putting my life on hold. We do Borrow my doggy and I try to get a dog if I am going out so he has a focus to get out.

He has myriad hobbies tho. But they are all indoors. Electronics, woodwork, metal work, coding gaming etc he has a YouTube channel and loads of online friends. He WFH, we both do but my job involves travel and my hobbies are out the house. We rub along nicely to be honest but I do sometimes wonder if he's ok. He was only assessed last year and we don't have an official diagnosis just yet but I would be very surprised if he's not ADHD and Asperger's

Can you be proactive in encouraging him to get out? Maybe Sign him up for golf lessons? Either individual or group lessons. You can play by yourself, so he doesn’t have to mix with people, or he coujd just go down the driving range.

I think a dog is absolutely perfect in this situation. DH is slightly similar, not the pining for me as such, but the 'small life.' We got a dog, he's now obsessed with the dog and taking him out, definitely keeps him occupied. I also agree that if you have a dog, you never really feel alone.

My friend's husband is exactly like this. He's a lovely bloke but we got a bit fed up of him turning up whenever we were out together as he just couldn't seem to be on his own. He got a dog. He's a lot happier!