DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

That was my immediate thought.

This is absolutely not an autism thing, more typically autistic people have deep interests and need time alone. Although obviously autistic people all have different personalities just like everyone else.

How did you meet him OP? He must have been doing something then?

This. It wouldn’t work for me.

OP, how is it you married this man? Did he have friends, activities, a social life then? If so, what has changed?

He needs a hobby or interest. It doesn't have to involve other people if he's happy not socialising. Does he exercise or go outside?

My DH is happy with solitary hobbies and then watches YouTube videos about them where there's a great sense of online community.

He doesn't participate in the communities but he still has a sense of community, gets to know the YouTubers (mostly middle aged men) and it fills in time in between getting out and doing the activity.
Eg Fishing, hiking, birdwatching, wild camping, bushcraft, doing up vans for road trips etc

It's the getting upset that's the problem as it's making you feel suffocating. My husband is NT, mostly, and has a handful of friends who now live across the country but is a quiet man in company and I'm his best pal and the person he sees most really (aside from our son).

But he is so supportive in anything that carves time out for myself, and enjoys his own company just fine. It would feel terrible to have a feeling whenever I'm doing something on my own that he's somehow not enjoying life as much and then for him to tell me how upset he is, it would do my head in.

You're not there to be your husbands social life, he can feel upset and miss you but needs to remember that expressing that so much is making you feel guilty or suffocated.

How long have you been together? Do you have kids?

But, he loves you very much, he's devoted to you.

That's worth a hell of a lot, so many threads on here about DV and affairs, which you will never have to think about.

Look at the positives.

And I second the vote for a dog.

Sounds like you are feeling responsible for his happiness. I thoroughly recommend not assuming that role. You see the "I can make him happy by doing what he wants so I should do it" dynamic in controlling relationships. So shrug off any feelings about this that are being tapped into to get you to do what he wants at the expense of yourself.

This is really, really unfair of him.

I am ND and have also suffered with Agoraphobia. I quite literally have had no life outside the house sometimes for a year at a time.

But my DH is a big extrovert and loves people. He is the sort that has to leave the house at least once a day or he gets cabin fever.

I would never, ever expect him to limit his social needs to fit around my social needs. They are all completely valid.

I function best with a schedule, so we have a set amount of time a week where we hang out together and then he knows he is free to plan other things on the other days. We have done this for the last 8 years or so after facing a problem a bit like yours (not quite so bad).

I wonder if your DH would benefit from you saying "Monday evenings, Thursday evening and Sunday morning I am going to be either doing a hobby or seeing a friend."

Maybe the consistency of you doing that on the same days each week would help him to get into a habit of it, and it might also gently ease him into seeing those times as "free" where he thinks of things to fill them. It's what happened to me!

Schedules can be a really good compromise between NT and ND brains each getting what they need :)

But I wouldn't tolerate him sulking or making you feel bad, as long as you aren't out every night of the week and completely neglecting your marriage then he has no right to limit your life.

You are entitled to a full life of friends, interests and hobbies op. This is the change that needs to happen. Why on earth do you feel guilty? He is choosing to stay at home, he is choosing to make you the centre of the universe. You haven’t asked for him to do this, so stop feeling guilty

Decide what it is you want to do more of, state it clearly to him and the evenings you will be out, and tell him it’s up to him to make the nights you are not there interesting.

If he is stood looking sad, ignore it completely, be bright and breezy and leave the house. He is not a baby. Stop treating him like one. I would have zero patience for his hand dog face.

I don’t think he is being unfair, it’s who he is and it doesn’t sound like he’s consciously aware that he’s making you feel bad.

Yeah, I’m sure it’s delightful knowing that your DH is sexually faithful because he has literally no life, relationships or social contact other than you.

It’s a bit like someone being faithful because he’s in 24/7 solitary confinement, (only self-imposed).

Are you his special interest, perhaps?

It should also be said that there are men like this who are not on the spectrum.

It’s also unusual for someone on the spectrum not to have a raft of their own interests and hobbies to occupy them.

It reads like an ASD coping strategy failure. He has neither developed internal interests to absorb him, nor has he developed strategies to manage relationships.

Have you told him that he is making you feel bad?

If so, how did he react?

You are married to my father. His comment to my mother ( after they retired and she wanted to see her friends) " I only want to be with you. Why don't you feel the same?"
" Why do you need other people?"

I think you need a serious talk about how you are going to navigate this as a couple. His reaction to you being in the next room is extreme and he may need outside help to learn to manage his emotions and expectations.

Autistic person here. I don't need anyone "helping me" to find a hobby or make friends. I am an adult. I can decide whether or not I want to occupy myself. Yes, I miss having time with my partner but I am self-aware enough to recognise it is a "me" problem.
He doesn't mind you doing things and doesn't stop you. The only issue is your feelings. So deal with your feelings, not your husband.

I think a lot of men are like this. They are too lazy to make connections outside family, so expect their wives to sit by them watching crap TV.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

Give him a paint brush 😁

Keep doing what your doing and don't let him limit your social interactions.

This would do my absolute nut in OP, you need a frigging medal for being able to focus on the tea making skills and the fact that he won't accidentally have an affair, because he never goes anywhere. Small mercies I guess. You say you'd go out more if he was occupied, but, you need to go out exactly as much as you want to otherwise you're literally his babysitter and that is not sexy or sustainable.

It's not attractive, to have someone hovering about mooning over you because you're their only option. In fact, it's really quite the opposite.

Bless him, and I don't want to be unkind but I can see why other posters have suggested a dog, they'd be a good pair because he has a lot of the great characteristics of a Labrador, bringing you slippers, delighted when you enter the room, you're their world. But, you don't want to be married to a Labrador. He's missing out a big part of the picture here, and loading it all onto you, when actually what a good partner would do would be to show a bit of understanding for your position and shake a leg and get off your case a bit.

You've the patience of a saint. That's all I have to offer.

My bf is a bit like this. He doesn't really have a social life and his hobbies are mainly house based. He does goes to the gym and running but he'd rather do that together.
He jokingly (not really, but kinda half jokingly) did the whole woe is me, I've been abandoned routine. He didn't really say that but he looked like it and when I cam back he was like an excited puppy.

I once got annoyed enough and asked if he wants me to cancel my plans and go no contact with my friends? He was horrified. I told him that his 'act' is very manipulative and he's making me feel like I shouldn't enjoy my time with my friends. That he'd be happier if I felt like shit being at home with him doing nothing instead of having a good time. He stopped doing it. Now he does the excited puppy thing only when I'm back st work and tries to be positive when I go out and won't even ask when im coming back.

True. My father was autistic. In his case he wasn't lazy but , once he retired, he lost the 'scaffolding ' of a 'big' job. He was the boss and was brilliant in that situation. Outside it he simply couldn't cope. He couldn't do small talk. He couldn't walk into a room of strangers in a hobby group,as a new member , and 'feel' his way in. It wasn't that he couldn't be bothered, his brain simply couldn't do it . My mother is very strong. She made sure thst she allowed herself a life.