DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

I am so sorry I will ask for my post to be removed.

If he is autistic it's unusual that he doesn't have a special interest that he is passionate about. Does he not have any hobbies or interests at all OP? Also he works and does shifts so he can be apart from you. I think l would encourage him in a project of some sort and carry on socialising yourself as otherwise it's too stifling. And be honest with him, him tell him you need your 'me time' for your own mental health and well being.

My DH is a lot like yours OP. He had many MH breakdowns before his diagnosis which took a lot of his spirit away. I’m his support and rock. It’s hard. When I’m out doing my own thing I’ll often get phone calls asking when I’ll be home, checking if I’m safe (his anxiety gets the better of him). Lucky for me (or unlucky) I have complex PTSD so am very good at masking and gritting my teeth and smiling my way through it. I try to be as positive as possible, but sometimes I just want to scream and tell him to bugger off. He’s had counselling, which didn’t work. We got a dog. DDog is now an extra responsibility for me. DH has been under the MH team for 5 years now. They’ve been no help whatsoever and have made him worse with their lack of care. He’s just got a new MH nurse who seems amazing so I’m hoping we finally start making progress. I have no advice, but I just wanted to say I hear you OP.
And to the posters who are negative on this subject, thinking people like my DH and OP’s are inferior or weird, try and be a little more empathetic. I hope no one close to you ever suffers from any MH issues because comments like that can push people to suicide or self harm.

But if he is happy by himself why should he join a group just to make the OP feel better?

Take him at his word, he is happy doing his own thing or being with you. I would also say be careful not to project your guilt onto him too much. It can be easy to misconstrue general interest as nagging. "Oh that sounds like a good film I'd like to see that" could mean when that's out on Netflix I'd like to watch it too, rather than I would rather you were going to the cinema with me.

Did he have any hobbies before he met you - what did he do in his free time then?

Making friends may be hard, but finding a hobby shouldn't be. So many solitary hobbies he can even just do in the house especially since he only works part time. Also making cups of tea is not a husband achievement - you'd have colleagues doing that even in the office while also working, it's not an effort at all. I don't think the bare minimum he does should be seen as a redeeming quality in a life partner, you want more from life surely than someone who does what a flatmate would as well.

He sounds really boring tbh and if you don't get him to engage more with life, should you ever have kids, he'll suffocate them and become an enmeshed, helicopter parent. I would speak with him and encourage him to take up a hobby based on interests he may have (gardening, running, cycling, DIY, hiking, music, languages, dungeons & dragons, climbing, cooking, gym, reading etc). If he has no interests at all, that's a bigger problem as it's nothing to do with being autistic or even introversion - all the autistic people I know, DH's brothers, uncles, my friend's DH, colleagues etc have hobbies - he's just a boring, unimaginative man. And you'll have to figure out whether you can spark a desire in him to do more/see more/be more or you just outgrow him in time.

Following as can relate unfortunately. Will read through properly later

I think this is a common thing and is why a fair few marriages fall apart.

Honestly, are you really "very happy" with him? He won't change, so you'll have to. But do you want to?

Jesus. You're literally shutting this down and all the women on here who've posted perfectly reasonable posts. Don’t have have any shame? @Hillrunning

Everything doesn't have to revolve around you, be pleasing to you, or be to your exact liking. Women are allowed to share their experiences.

Early in our relationship we were arranging a date and dp said he would cancel something he'd arranged with friends to see me.

I practically snarled at him. After two marriages with men who both presented as friend and family positive for the first year or so, then stopped bothering with both, I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted a partner who went out and did things and saw people. In my second marriage I once calculated that in the last two years of it, I'd had 20 minutes in the house on my own, once. Plus I never had a relaxed time when out because I was constantly aware that dh woukd be waiting for me. I had to stop thinking about it because it made me so desperate.

This is a major incompatibility, so you're going to have to address it head on. I think the scheduling idea sounds the most positive, though the lack of spontaneity would be pretty grim as well. But I guess you have to compromise.

But the OP has given no indication whatsoever that her DH has any MH difficulties whatsoever. Your DH has ample reason, clearly, to be an anxious as he is.

I think some people are being harsh

The guy is on the spectrum fgs he doesn’t need to change in order to fit the mould of a non autistic person

This is how he is and it is non malicious and non intentional yet that is still not good enough for some

Yes!!!!! It’s so annoying!!!!

Have you told him plainly how you feel? I'm autistic and would appreciate being told in a way I can't possibly misunderstand. You said you have spoken to him but he says he'd rather wait for you than get hobbies? I think that's the key thing here he has voiced a preference. Don't feel guilty at the sad face when you go out- you are not responsible for him like that, you raised it, he's stated it's fine so just accept that and don't let it get to you. If he is bothered then he has to fix it. It's not a woman's job to be a support human to a man.

If you have nothing constructive to offer, why post? What's the relevance?

I could say the same. What advice have you offered?

Where does it say in this thread that the OP's husband has had an assessment for this and a definite diagnosis of autism ?

I really really disagree with this.

The op gets to choose if her life is being made miserable by someone else. She doesn't owe him a relationship.

No one is perfect. And that includes people with NDs. Some things are the result of ASD and some things are separate negative personality traits. The two need to be separated. He is behaving selfishly, the op is not put on this world to entertain him.

I'm finding a lot of unpleasant behaviour at the moment is being excused with 'oh he has X.' He may well have. But that doesn't mean he can behave selfishly.

Op I most likely have autism and when younger I put everything into relationships. He needs to find his hobby/ life meaning kind of thing. Also there’s actually a thread that continues on for people married to someone with autism I think. Best of luck, he sounds lovely, you sound lovely, but yes you probably need things to change a bit x

Eh?

I couldnt put up with being a ' support and a rock' to anyone but small children or a very elderly person, and I certainly could not put up with frequent panicky calls.
Women are allowed to draw boundaries without being accused of being unempathetic. We don't have to be support humans for our men. And we certainly should not make our lives smaller because some man may be driven to suicide because his wife went to a book club. That's on men to look after their MH.

But who wants "devotion"? If I wanted that I would get a pet

I think most women want an equal partner - someone who is kind and supportive but also independent. A strong person, someone who can bring their own interests, hobbies and friendships into a relationship and by doing that, strengthen it; not someone who drains you with their neediness.

I appreciate that it might be partly due to his neurodiversity, but I think you need to deal with it before you end up resentful, guilty and totally pissed off.

Maybe it would be worth exploring marriage guidance with a counsellor who has experience of working with neurodiversity?

This is an obvious point- but have you talked to him about how this makes you feel?
And discussed strategies so he's not so dependent on you?

I'm sure there are some online groups- or even F2F- where people like your H can connect with others.

Is he/ you aware of these?

I'm sorry I can't give you the details but some years ago I worked with a man (as a professional, supporting him with work) and he gained a lot of support from a local group.

Maybe just get get him a Warhammer starter set and some nice paints?

Have you talked to him about your worries and what would he do if anything happened to you? Have you flat out told him 'we are going to find a hobby or activity for you'. If he is just sitting there not doing anything of course he is going to miss you, you are right, he needs a distraction but his brain seems to be wired to not see the need for him to have one. If you frame it as you needing him to have one to relieve your worries maybe he could understand that?

Do you have any mutual interests that you could introduce him to a group with you and then you gradually drop out while he continues? One of my DC is autistic and enjoyed dungeons and dragons and played as a group in high school.

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