DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

A lot of posts to read (people have been so kind with their thoughts/experiences, thank you) and I'm short on time, apologies.

Both early 40s and married for 8 years.

It's been a slow erosion of 'life' for DH, with a combination of going part time, not keeping up with friends - he did do a lot more before we married - trips abroad with friends, out and about.

And he used to have a hobby that got him out the house, but now he only wants to do it if I go with him. And I'm not interested in his hobby (I did try...)

I don't think he is entirely happy with how things are - he's definitely become more withdrawn and as I mentioned, his confidence is low. But it's like I'm a sort of comfort blanket.

I honestly don't thunk age and length of marriage was that relevant. But whatever.

But op, you definitely.need.to stop.feeling.guilty because whether it's intentional or not, he will use that guilt to make your life smaller. Personally I would be moving into getting.angry territory. He isn't a child. Be doesn't need you to hold his hand all.the time..

Is he depressed ,sounds like it's a change in him. Unless he wasn't genuinely enjoying being more active before. I think if my husband was upset because he missed me when in in the next room,I'd think maybe a trip to the dr was needed.

Then the best thing you can do for him is to stop being that ‘comfort blanket’.

I'd ignore him and carry on as normal.

Managing your own guilt is definitely the best way forward for you @SwaySong . He sounds like a decent man but ultimately you can’t be responsible for ‘finding’ ways to occupy him as others have suggested.

He was able to live a life before you and he should be able to do it again but that change has to come from him. The fact you sense he’s not happy with how things are suggests he knows he has to do something but has defaulted to making you the focal point of his life as you are accessible and safe. He needs to move away from that as whilst you are mildly frustrated now, you run the risk of being totally frustrated and fed up in a few years when he has become even more insular and needy. The best way he can demonstrate his love is by buggering off out of the house more!

I have seriously considered and looked into getting dh a life coach to help him plan for the future and engage more with the world. Would your dh consider that?

I think a life coach would only work if the person themselves had come to the conclusion they would like to engage with a life coach, not because someone else asked them to do it. There really has to be some kind of intrinsic motivation there.

True but you could ask if he’d be willing to try meeting the coach just to see what they think it may be an option he’d never considered.

He’s the perfect husband yet you feel he’s suffocating you? What are you bothered by? That he doesn’t have a social life outside of you or that he doesn’t occupy his time without you without becoming emotional? I can understand that it would be smothering to be told that he misses you even when you’re in the same house, but you presumably married him knowing that he doesn’t have hobbies or a social circle to spend his time with, and that he’s the type to be emotional led by you?? Leave if you don’t enjoy the ride. Autistic or not, that sounds as if it’s just his nature, to be highly empathic and emotionally invested I the relationship. Autistic people are pretty well known for having specific hobbies, so I’m not convinced you can blame his behaviour on his neurotype.

I feel utterly smothered and overwhelmed just reading about what these men are like.

I don’t think they’re ‘inferior’ but I would not be remotely willing to step into the role of ‘mummy wives’ they seem to have forced on you.

:)