DH has no life

[SwaySong]

DH is autistic, high functioning, limited social awareness at times and very limited executive function but otherwise he appears very neurotypical.

He's funny, kind, does his share of cooking and housework automatically. Very supportive and buys flowers/little gifts often, and does lots of little things like making me cups of tea when I'm working (I WFH part time and he works part time shifts). So I'm very happy with him, I'm trying to say!

But.

He has no friends, no hobbies, no life outside me. I am everything, to him. I have friends and hobbies so when I'm busy or out, he literally goes into 'wait mode' for me.

I was painting in another room last week and I popped into the living room to get something, only to see DH upset, because he 'missed me'.

He just wants to be with me 24/7, it's suffocating!!

What can I do?!

IME ASD and MH issues can come hand in hand. Be it anxiety, agoraphobia, late diagnosis/wrong diagnosis or people just not understanding etc. DH’s ASD seems to be hereditary and each one of his family members that have signs of it have had a MH issue at some point, one which sadly led to suicide.

He is also my rock and support, so it isn’t all bad. I am always there for the people I love, no matter how old they are as I had no support through my childhood or early adult life. I know how important that is, but still manage to live my own life. Maybe having bucket loads of therapy and studying counselling helped with that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fully recovered, but life is about growth and understanding.

He's autistic. This is how his autism expresses itself. Its very unlikely to change, and if he does, it will be very small modifications.

Sorry but relationships with autistic people often require a huge amount of understanding and accommodation by the NT partner. This can be very wearing for the NT partner.

Your relationship is likely to continue to be like this, so if you don't want a relationship like this, you have a choice about whether or not to stay in the relationship.

Personally, as PP said, I want an equal for a partner. That's every person's right, I think.

Presumably you are not around when he's at work and he manages ok?

Hmm I’d be working on my reaction to it op rather than try and make him change ( I mean if he can be encouraged out then brilliant but if not?). Control the thing you can control ie your reaction, you are feeling guilty , feelings aren’t facts , why if he is saying hes ok if you go out don’t you believe him? I do have sympathy it must be really suffocating. But you are assuming he feels how you would feel if you had his life but he’s not you.

OP hasn't clarified whether or not he goes to work.

I would second getting a dog. DH is autistic and similar but finds small talk easier than making friends so gets the social interaction he can manage whilst out walking the dog. He also gets to talk to the local shop keepers, pharmacy people, post men/women and local elderly people he sees whilst out on his walks.

You could also give him a shopping list and get him to do an essentials local shop a few times a week so he builds a small talk relationship with the people in the local shop to build up his interaction with other people. I agree it can feel stifling at times, for me when I get in from work I am all talked out and DH just wants to talk at me because he hasn't had enough adult contact. Does he like gaming or anything like that where he could talk to other people on a forum too?

Autistic person here as well.
I would say he absolutely has a life, only the wanting to sit in front of TV with you by his side sounds a bit odd to me.
I prefer VERY little company of people (married, no kids).
What would happen if you didn't sit next to him? 🤨

Some of these posts (not the op) make me think that many women have missed the memo that relationships are optional. How are some of these relationships better than being single? Then you can do whatever you like, whenever you like it.

Are you reading his expressions in the way he's feeling them? I only ask because facial expressions in an autistic man may not be as you'd expect in an NT man.

But definitely - dog time.

Also, can he do projects at home like DIY, gardening, car repair? Things he can plan and organise and work through?

Do you 'parallel play'? My OH and I will sit in cafes for hours, side by side, but doing our own thing. Me running my groups and my business and social media, him researching, writing and drawing, all on our devices.

Do you have a life outside? Gym, evening classes, friend group etc?

Could you do a class or activity together? You're doing something outside home that you both enjoy, he's comfortable, you're socialising with other people.

He is an equal. Equal doesn’t mean ‘exactly the same’. He has a different way of thinking, different wiring, different preferences. None of that makes him not the OP’s equal.

A relationship involves understanding and being prepared to support the other person. There will always be times when one party needs more support than the other. That’s part of the give and take in any relationship. We know nothing about the OP’s DH and whether he also provides support when needed.

Well if you knew what he was like then you can’t complain now,he didn’t ask to be autistic.

I mean he does mind because when she walks into the room he asks her if she will be long and says that he misses her... i mean that isn't encouraging her to carry on

I also wondered whether the DH was actually upset by the OP painting in another room, or was this a case of the OP reading him as being upset and missing her, based on neurotypical understanding of facial expressions, body language etc. Did he actually say he was upset and missed you, OP?

I’m not sure whether you’re familiar with the ‘double empathy’ problem? Neurotypical people can find it hard to read autistic people as well as vice versa.

Sit down when you are both calm, explain that no one should be so reliant on one other person for support - it is not healthy and not good for him. Tell him you are concerned for his wellbeing and want him to be ok. He does not need to turn into a social butterfly, but he needs to take on some responsibility for trying some things out to find a hobby or other people who he can have friendships with.

He'd never stop me from going out but I do feel so guilty leaving him, he gets so down and low.

We've chatted and he's said he doesn't see any problem, he said he's happy to wait for me to be back home.

OP, can you clarify what you mean by these two sentences, because the way I'm reading them they are completely opposite descriptions of what is going on! The first sentence sounds like emotional abuse and attempts to control you, even. I had a friend who eventually stopped going out at all because it wasn't worth it in terms of her husband's behaviour towards her afterwards. Very sad.

Does he get down and low (and if so, how does this present itself?) or is he happy for you to go out (and if so, how does this present itself?)?

Im autistic and Im not like your partner. Im the complete opposite - I NEED time alone and on my special interests. My ex-DH used to be like your partner, and it drove me nuts. Im a big reader and I noticed I stopped reading because he would start poking me and trying to get my attention when i was reading and say I was ignoring him, and he missed me. I hate to be disturbed when im reading - I go into my own world - so being constantly pulled out of it became frustrating so I gave up. Im not with him anymore and I bloody love just being able to do what I want.

The problem with people like your DH, whether they're ND or NT, is that they can often land up being very controlling. A lot depends on the personality of their partner, but if she is someone who takes on other people's emotions, feels bad etc... her life rapidly gets smaller and smaller.

It doesn't sound like you're there, but frankly, him being upset becuase you're in another rom painting would send me over the edge. Not least because he could always come into the room and PAINT with you, or just chat to you if he really felt that lonely? instead, he's feeling sorry for himself and putting it on you.

Do you really feel completely comfortabel going otu and living your life? Or do you restrict yourself sometimes? Do you find yourself checking your phone or dreading returning because of his neediness?

I would say talk to him in very plain terms, no dancing around the issue (I can't speak for all of course) but I think ND people prefer plain straight forward talking.

Tell him how you feel and that it is causing you to not enjoy your time out due to him making you feel guilt.

Tell him he needs to find something to occupy his time and not just put everything on you. Hopefully together can come up with some. I couldn't live like that either. I need my own time and to be able to come and go as I choose.

I would leave this relationship. It's no way to live. It would be so frustrating if every time I went out I had to worry about what my partner was doing and if he was ok. He needs something to do when you're not with him. Gaming, reading, TV etc. I see a couple of people have mentioned getting a pet. This could help.

I’m neurodiverse and have had similar attachment issues as OPs husband and I couldn’t disagree with you more @Hillrunning.

People are pointing out, correctly, how suffocating OPs husband’s behaviour would be for them regardless of where the root of it is. And the reality is it IS suffocating. It is simply not reasonable in an adult relationship that one party has to give up every minute of their time and social life to accommodate the other because they go into wait mode and sit with a sad face on because their partner is busy in the next room.

As the ND person it’s my responsibility to deal with my issues and how they impact others in relationships. Whilst it’s important that people are empathetic and compassionate, the idea that ND should never be challenged or found to be annoying for behaviours they can learn to modify is incredibly infantilising. And actually that’s what’s ableist.

Get him a pet that he can get very attached to like a dog or a budgie not a cat

I don’t think he’s is asking the op to change anything though? He says he is happy. I think it’s the op’s responsibility to manage her own feelings about the way he chooses to live.

That obviously changes if he is actually trying to limit her activities, even by emotional blackmail. But I see nothing to suggest that he is, just that the op thinks he ‘looks down and low’?