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Original poster

Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

236 replies

Slettora · 04/02/2025 18:13

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

OP posts:
Happycow · 04/02/2025 18:19

I don't have experience of this set up, but id be more worried by the fact that your DP doesn't seem to want to understand your perspective or find an arrangement that works for you both.

It sounds tough for all of you - not least his son who has been (by the sounds of it) abandoned by his mum, and without much desire to see friends.

Does your DP have a place of his own (perhaps rented out?) If so, it might be time for them to move there for a bit to give you all some space. It's that, or a frank conversation about what you all need to be happy with the set-up.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/02/2025 18:22

It's time your partner provided a home for his child, esp as the child's mother isn't.

What has he done with the place he lived in before he moved into your property ?

BonneMaman77 · 04/02/2025 18:24

You don’t have time together just the two of you and you don’t have a sex life. And your partner is not responding to your needs.

You actually have a lodger and son in your two bed flat, just ask them to leave.

MoetUndChandon · 04/02/2025 18:24

It sounds like it would be better for you if your partner moved out to his own place with his son, and due to see each other separately to that

PullTheBricksDown · 04/02/2025 18:25

Surely one option would be for your partner to use the time when his son is seeing friends as quality time with you? It's not a good look for him not to do that.

I feel sorry for the son, who must feel bad that his mum's left him behind, but it seems like you also feel taken for granted here and your partner is not helping at all.

Doloresparton · 04/02/2025 18:25

Time for your dp to leave and go be a father somewhere else.
He's obviously no good at being a partner.
Most worrying is that when his ds is not around he chooses to visit friends rather than be with you.
Come on OP, he's using you.

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 04/02/2025 18:26

Time for him to parent HIS child in a home that he provides.

His son, is quite rightly, his priority.

Go and find someone who makes YOU a priority.

outerspacepotato · 04/02/2025 18:28

The teen "stressed out" the grandfather so badly he ended up in A&E? What's the story there?

He's living with his father at your place. There is no respite here. You provide the living space and they live there. You're not going to get lots of adult time in your situation unless Dad moves out with his son.

FabFeb24 · 04/02/2025 18:29

I can see it would be hard for him to send his son upstairs so you can have the living room to yourselves but most teenagers spend all their time in their room I find. My dc never watch tv with me preferring to be on their technology and doing their own thing.

It might change for you as the lad gets older and maybe goes out more but some kids are homebirds more than others.

category12 · 04/02/2025 18:30

That's what happens when you pick someone with children.

If you were the parent, your own child wouldn't vanish to give you couple-time.

Poor kid, his mum's fucked off and you don't want him around.

Hazeby · 04/02/2025 18:30

You’re not unreasonable but neither is your DP in not wanting to tell his DS to go away.

I also think when you get together with someone who has kids, you have to accept that they come first.

I think living separately might be better for you as a couple. But ultimately, I think your DP’s attitude is the right one.

cstaff · 04/02/2025 18:31

What way would you react if this 15yo was your child also. It doesn't make it easy for him at 15 years of age either. What would your proposal be...to kick a child out

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/02/2025 18:31

Did he have nowhere else to go so he moved in with you? The partner i mean

ACynicalDad · 04/02/2025 18:32

Put a TV in his son's room, but really what's in this relationship for you?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/02/2025 18:32

He is doing the right thing by his son, particularly given the disruption the son has had. It doesn’t sound like it’s been that long that he’s been with you 7 nights a week so it’s worrying you are this bothered by it already. Sounds like you need to live separately.

FabFeb24 · 04/02/2025 18:32

Doesn’t he see his mother at all? That must be sad for him.

Doesn’t he have a play station or a laptop or something to go on? That’s what most teen boys do if they don’t go out. Does he go to school in your area? Why isn’t he going out with mates or playing football or something?

yeesh · 04/02/2025 18:33

do you and your partner never go out for the evening? Does the son have a TV etc in his room? It seems odd that a teenage boy wants to sit in the lounge with you every night, and not on Xbox/out with friends etc. it sounds like no life at all for you, and him not making time but preferring to go out with his friends isn’t a partnership at all

ginasevern · 04/02/2025 18:35

I feel sorry for the son. This can't be a good situation for him, he is only 15. Of course his father doesn't want to send him to his room and it is right that his first priority is his son. Having said that, I think your partner should find somewhere else to live with his son. Why have they moved in with you? This obviously isn't working for anyone and, quite frankly, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

NewishMe · 04/02/2025 18:35

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healthybychristmas · 04/02/2025 18:35

He is doing the right thing by his son but what on earth is in this relationship for you?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/02/2025 18:36

Erm... I'd be asking your cocklodger "partner" to move out and get his own place and ideally end it.
If you cant... go back to dating on a Friday/ saturday amd maybe family dinner with DSS during the week.

At 15 i was out pretty much all weekend and usually one or 2 nights in the week... but the step son isnt the problem your partner is

Olika · 04/02/2025 18:37

Just end it as you are not getting anything positive out of this relationship by the sound of it. Your partner can live in his own place with his son.

Ferrazzuoli · 04/02/2025 18:37

It is tricky with teens (I have three). It's not like when they're little and they were in bed by 7/8pm. I don't feel comfortable with sending mine to their rooms either if they want to be downstairs with us. However, it's not good that DP isn't listening to your concerns and trying to find a solution.

Bananalanacake · 04/02/2025 18:43

Does your partner pay towards bills and food.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/02/2025 18:43

He'd be better off sourcing his own accommodation for him and his son. If money's an issue, hence the moving into your flat, as a single parent he'd be eligible to present to the local authority as homeless.

Whether or not you remain in a relationship isn't guaranteed, but it would give it a better chance to survive without you being railroaded into accommodating both of them at your expense - and if it's actually for him a means to an end and he's a complete pisstaker wanting a free cook, cleaner, home provider and spare parent, this would make it easier to see from his reaction.

It'll probably be a novelty for the kid to have one of his parents put him first for a change.

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