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Original poster

Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

236 replies

Slettora · 04/02/2025 18:13

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

OP posts:
Theoldbird · 04/02/2025 19:16

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:13

Yeah it’s really sad, I’m so angry with her for doing this to him as he’s such a lovely kid and deserves better parents

Show quote history

Why aren't you angrier with your lazy user manchild dp? This is no way to live. This is no relationship. There's no sex, no time for the two of you. He prefers to spend time with his friends on the weekends. Tell dp to move out, and if he can't afford it that's not your problem to solve.

outerspacepotato · 04/02/2025 19:17

"He lived with his parents before we met (he’s 46 🫤)"

Is he paying you for housing he and his son? Are they doing chores and pulling their weight?

"the story is the teen is more like a 12 year old who needs to be chased up to do things like eat, homework, sleep. And he’s also got the average moody and shitty attitude when he’s asked to do anything, which unfortunately is all the time or he’d just play video games, fail school, sleep all day and eat pizza."

That really doesn't sound like behaviour that would stress someone out so badly they would seek emergency medical help. There's something janky going on or it's an excuse because grandfather has had it. It really sounds like partner is using you for a place for him and his child.

zeibesaffron · 04/02/2025 19:17

Could he not have his ps until late on a Friday so you can have time together?

Your DP should not be prioritising his friends when his son is at friends - thats your time. I would be clear this is how it is - or this relationship is in real trouble! He can see his friends the next day when the son is at home.

If he won’t work with you to find a solution to this then I am afraid I think he needs to leave.

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 19:18

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:15

Yes, his son is not the problem at all. I even suggested we try move somewhere bigger for us all and he said no it’s too disruptive.

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Wasn’t too disruptive moving into yours though was it. Cheeky. Why is he 46 and hasn’t sorted a proper home for his child

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:19

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/02/2025 18:43

He'd be better off sourcing his own accommodation for him and his son. If money's an issue, hence the moving into your flat, as a single parent he'd be eligible to present to the local authority as homeless.

Whether or not you remain in a relationship isn't guaranteed, but it would give it a better chance to survive without you being railroaded into accommodating both of them at your expense - and if it's actually for him a means to an end and he's a complete pisstaker wanting a free cook, cleaner, home provider and spare parent, this would make it easier to see from his reaction.

It'll probably be a novelty for the kid to have one of his parents put him first for a change.

Thank you. This is how I feel exactly. I have suggested we get a bigger place and he said no so then I suggested he move out and he said I’m trying to get rid of them and not standing by his side.

OP posts:
BruFord · 04/02/2025 19:19

hes gone through enough by the sound of it, he won’t be there forever! If he were my son he’d be my number one priority and if you don’t like it, there’s the door.

That's fair enough, @SleepQuest33, I'd prioritize my children as well.

But it's not the Dad's flat, the OP is the homeowner, and she's not happy.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 19:21

It doesn't sound as if you get anything positive out of this relationship, so I would end it and ask him to move out.

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:22

ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/02/2025 19:07

So he is a normal teenager then.

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Yes but I suppose we expect him to be a bit more responsible

OP posts:
BruFord · 04/02/2025 19:22

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to pay towards for a bigger place, he'd rather stay in your flat!

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:24

outerspacepotato · 04/02/2025 19:17

"He lived with his parents before we met (he’s 46 🫤)"

Is he paying you for housing he and his son? Are they doing chores and pulling their weight?

"the story is the teen is more like a 12 year old who needs to be chased up to do things like eat, homework, sleep. And he’s also got the average moody and shitty attitude when he’s asked to do anything, which unfortunately is all the time or he’d just play video games, fail school, sleep all day and eat pizza."

That really doesn't sound like behaviour that would stress someone out so badly they would seek emergency medical help. There's something janky going on or it's an excuse because grandfather has had it. It really sounds like partner is using you for a place for him and his child.

This is my thoughts too.

He pays for half the energy bill and half the food. And the son does the recycling once a week.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 19:25

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:01

I suggested this but he can’t afford to

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Why can't he afford to? Does he work? If he is on a low wage, he could claim UC.

Does he contribute financially for him and his son or are you paying for everything?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/02/2025 19:25

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:19

Thank you. This is how I feel exactly. I have suggested we get a bigger place and he said no so then I suggested he move out and he said I’m trying to get rid of them and not standing by his side.

Show quote history

If that's how he wants to see it, fine (he's trying to guilt you, ignore it, it's fucking pathetic - which sounds the normal state of affairs for him, TBH).

He's using you, the arsehole - time for him to fuck off down the council and be a grown up for a change.

Redfred00 · 04/02/2025 19:25

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:01

I suggested this but he can’t afford to

Show quote history

Then he'll have to move back in with mummy and daddy. It's not your job to subsidise him.

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:26

category12 · 04/02/2025 19:07

Yeah, well, his mum's fucked off. He could be acting out a lot worse. n awful lot worse.

He probably wants to be in his dad's company a lot because his mum's fucked off.

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Exactly which is why I’m in a predicament cos he deserves comfort from people who care about him

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:26

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:07

He’s definitely a home bird which is fine cos he’s not getting into trouble here. He just likes to watch movies and hang out and talk, which is lovely but not every night

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Doesn’t he have any homework to do?

CobraChicken · 04/02/2025 19:26

Half of the bills and food costs, when there are two of them and one of you. He's taking the piss, big time.

Redfred00 · 04/02/2025 19:26

Another cocklodger

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:28

itsmeits · 04/02/2025 19:11

So the set up from the start was him moving in with the son.

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No he’d stay at his parents when he had his son and then sometimes his son would stay here which was going really well

OP posts:
Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:29

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 19:12

Why does son need to go to his room in order for you guys to have time together? Can you not go out or for a walk?

what’s that got to do with you not having sex.

regardless I think your partner is a user. And you should get rid.

The flat is too small so sex is utterly impossible and we can go for a walk in the evening sure but it’s not as nice in the winter is it 😆

OP posts:
Theoldbird · 04/02/2025 19:30

Redfred00 · 04/02/2025 19:26

Another cocklodger

that's a rather magnificent gif

PricklyLikeCactus · 04/02/2025 19:30

So you're providing the house, the tv, the sofa, the washing machine, the bed...the cleaning and cooking and house maintenance...towels and bed linen? Are you paying the full council tax? WiFi and tv subscriptions? And they are just paying half the energy and half the food, despite there being two of them?

And you provide all this but don't get to enjoy it.

Why on earth???

MyNewLife2025 · 04/02/2025 19:30

He is 15yo, not a little child.

You can go out and do stuff wo him. You dint have to wait until he is seeing his friends!
So your DP wants to see his friends - fine
You (and he I hope!) want time for the two of you - fine too. You go out agd do stuff just the two of you.
Id also encourage him to do something else in his own at home tbh. I’ve never met a teenager who wants to spend theur evening just chatting with parebts. As a guess all electronics are in the living room?

Sex… I think it’s the same for any parent of teenager. It’s harder agd you need to learn to be VERY silent.

Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:31

I do feel sorry for his son in all of this. Without being brutal, your partner sounds like a bit of a loser. He should be able to provide a home for his child but it sounds like he has always lived with his parents and then you. It’s lovely his son wants to spend time you you both. My teenagers don’t grace me with their presence much and I have to ask them to come downstairs. The son is prob a bit lost tbh.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/02/2025 19:31

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:24

This is my thoughts too.

He pays for half the energy bill and half the food. And the son does the recycling once a week.

Show quote history

What about other bills? Council Tax? Water? TV and broadband subscriptions? He should be paying 60% of the food bill as there are two of them. Is your mortgage paid off or are you still paying? He sounds like a freeloader.

RedHelenB · 04/02/2025 19:31

They come as a package. You either put up with it or ask them to leave.

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