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Original poster

Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

236 replies

Slettora · 04/02/2025 18:13

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

OP posts:
BruFord · 04/02/2025 19:31

Hmm, given that your partner is responsible for himself and his son, he should really be paying for two-thirds of the food and the energy bills. Most teenagers eat like gannets, at least mine (16) does!

He's getting you to subsidize his whole lifestyle, @Slettora.

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:32

Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:26

Doesn’t he have any homework to do?

Show quote history

He does it when he gets home from school but my partner gets home at 7

OP posts:
Emma6cat · 04/02/2025 19:33

No not for me

PennyApril54 · 04/02/2025 19:34

If he's not making any effort for the relationship I'd end it. What are you getting out of this?

MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2025 19:34

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:19

Thank you. This is how I feel exactly. I have suggested we get a bigger place and he said no so then I suggested he move out and he said I’m trying to get rid of them and not standing by his side.

Show quote history

Stop posing it as a suggestion. Tell him it’s not working for you , and get him to move out even if it’s back to his parents. It’s not your problem he can’t afford anything else. Apart from him ignoring your wants re your relationship he is not contributing equally. Half of all costs won’t be covering him and his teenage son.

If you want the relationship to continue you can go on dates/holidays, some of which can include his DS of course. This might help focus his mind on what a relationship should be, and the effort he needs to put into it. Or not.

I know it won’t be easy to do, but what’s the alternative. Watching your life drift away, no intimacy, no laughs, no time on your own ever? He’s mugging you off, you need to wake up.

soarklyknobs · 04/02/2025 19:34

If your DP is living at yours, but not paying rent (just half of the bills) and previously lived with his parents until the age of 46, why hasn't he saved enough money to rent a place for him and his son?

What has he been spending his money on for the last few decades?

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:35

Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:31

I do feel sorry for his son in all of this. Without being brutal, your partner sounds like a bit of a loser. He should be able to provide a home for his child but it sounds like he has always lived with his parents and then you. It’s lovely his son wants to spend time you you both. My teenagers don’t grace me with their presence much and I have to ask them to come downstairs. The son is prob a bit lost tbh.

It is lovely he wants to spend time with us (because I’m especially fun too 😂) but I just want one night to watch a brutal movie rated 18!

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:35

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:32

He does it when he gets home from school but my partner gets home at 7

Show quote history

He must be doing GCSEs though at that age - my older dc would study till 10pm each night but then she is academic and super ambitious. I’d still expect more homework but I think maybe son enjoys a stable home environment. I feel your partner is the problem here in not being considerate to your needs and also not making you feel valued or trying to make you happy. Surely he could take you out for dinner one night …I have no answer to lack of sex as it’s a small flat!

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:36

soarklyknobs · 04/02/2025 19:34

If your DP is living at yours, but not paying rent (just half of the bills) and previously lived with his parents until the age of 46, why hasn't he saved enough money to rent a place for him and his son?

What has he been spending his money on for the last few decades?

he has been putting into a savings account for his son, ironically

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 19:36

So your dp is paying less than the cost of a homeless shelter for him and his son living in your house? Of course he doesn’t want to move.

op please OPEN YOUR EYES.

the teenager is a red herring, DP has worn out his welcome at his parents so has moved onto you. He has made zero effort to find a home for himself or his son. His son does need stability in a place with his father. Not one created by you.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/02/2025 19:37

He's only with you for your flat op, get rid of him, it's very kind of you to be worried about his kid but they're not your problem, nor is their housing situation.
You are childcare and a flat, someone to split bills with, that's it, saw your coming.
He's 46 and was living with his parents sharing a room with his son when he had him. Never been solely responsible for himself or his kid.

Fuck that, end it and find someone who adults.

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:37

Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:35

He must be doing GCSEs though at that age - my older dc would study till 10pm each night but then she is academic and super ambitious. I’d still expect more homework but I think maybe son enjoys a stable home environment. I feel your partner is the problem here in not being considerate to your needs and also not making you feel valued or trying to make you happy. Surely he could take you out for dinner one night …I have no answer to lack of sex as it’s a small flat!

Show quote history

we are having trouble getting him to revise but yes he should be doing that more often

he does need a stable environment but I’m struggling to provide that cos I’m getting walked over and feel upset

OP posts:
Cafenoisette · 04/02/2025 19:37

He can rent somewhere else for him and his son and make a claim for Universal credit if his income is low. He should also get the child benefit and seek child maintenance from his ex.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 04/02/2025 19:38

So, your partner isn't coming up with any solutions and he's actively rejecting your suggestions too. Not only that, but he prefers to spend his free time with his mates rather than you. What is the point in him?

He needs to be left in no doubt that something needs to change or he'll have to leave. You've done your best to be supportive, but enough's enough.

You're right, the boy deserves better parents. And you deserve a better 'partner'.

DPotter · 04/02/2025 19:38

Teenage boys IME can eat for Team GB - think your DP should be paying more than 50% of food bill.

I feel sorry for the lad, but you need to think of yourself and your relationship. Basically you're a home owner with 2 flat mates.

You've asked him to move out and he declined, now it's time to tell him to move out.

Theoldbird · 04/02/2025 19:38

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:36

he has been putting into a savings account for his son, ironically

Show quote history

so he can afford to move out. why don't you ask him to move out? you sound very passive op, you're putting yourself last.

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:40

beAsensible1 · 04/02/2025 19:36

So your dp is paying less than the cost of a homeless shelter for him and his son living in your house? Of course he doesn’t want to move.

op please OPEN YOUR EYES.

the teenager is a red herring, DP has worn out his welcome at his parents so has moved onto you. He has made zero effort to find a home for himself or his son. His son does need stability in a place with his father. Not one created by you.

Edited

That’s true, if I really do care about his son (which I do) I should encourage my partner to leave and provide him with his own home and some stability, even if it means we break up.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 04/02/2025 19:40

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:37

we are having trouble getting him to revise but yes he should be doing that more often

he does need a stable environment but I’m struggling to provide that cos I’m getting walked over and feel upset

Show quote history

@Slettora i know it’s not down to you but schools do provide after school clubs for homework and certain subjects. Also a lot of online platforms the school provide to help with revision. I know it’s not reason you posted but might help x

Praying4Peace · 04/02/2025 19:40

Hazeby · 04/02/2025 18:30

You’re not unreasonable but neither is your DP in not wanting to tell his DS to go away.

I also think when you get together with someone who has kids, you have to accept that they come first.

I think living separately might be better for you as a couple. But ultimately, I think your DP’s attitude is the right one.

Edited

This. I understand your perspective OP but your situation hilights the challenges of blended families; magnified by the fact that you don't have children of your own

Whoarethoseguys · 04/02/2025 19:41

Yes it's normal for the children of the house to watch TV in the same room as their parents. It's their home too.
We never told our children to go to their rooms because we wanted time to ourselves. We were happy if they wanted to spend time with us.
But this situation isn't good for any of you.
I think your partner has to put his son first. But I can understand why you don't want to do that.
Perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:41

Theoldbird · 04/02/2025 19:38

so he can afford to move out. why don't you ask him to move out? you sound very passive op, you're putting yourself last.

Show quote history

I think it’s because I’m suffering a bit if manipulation and emotional abuse so that’s why I came here to find out if I’m being unreasonable or not

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 04/02/2025 19:42

I’d run a mile from this one OP!

TomatoSandwiches · 04/02/2025 19:42

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:36

he has been putting into a savings account for his son, ironically

Show quote history

No he hasn't it's in a savings account for HIM.
You are subsiding this sponge ffs.

WAKE UP!

Wonderi · 04/02/2025 19:42

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:09

If he was my kid I’d encourage him to spend some more time with friends or say one night a week is our date night where he can do what he wants but in his room

Show quote history

Honestly I think this is a disgusting attitude to have.

If my DP wanted my DD to stay in her room so we could be alone without her, then he wouldn’t be my partner any longer.

You got into a relationship with someone with a child.

Get a TV and lock for your bedroom.
Once or twice a week, go to bed early and watch a film.
You can have sex once the film is playing and he’ll not even hear.

You’ll have alone time with your partner, can watch an adult movie and have sex.

Original poster
Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:44

Cafenoisette · 04/02/2025 19:37

He can rent somewhere else for him and his son and make a claim for Universal credit if his income is low. He should also get the child benefit and seek child maintenance from his ex.

He’s getting child benefit but she gives him nothing

OP posts: