Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

[Slettora]

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

Do you let his son use the play station on weekends? Surely he can stay up later in his own room then?

It does happen on occasions at the weekends he will be in his room, of course. But this whole thread has helped me see it’s my partner not wanting a relationship with me because when we do have time he will use it to draw or go on his phone and do his own thing.

@Theoldbird it's my favourite one 😆.

Mynother favourite is

Your partner needs to get his life in order, OP. He's in his late 40's and unable to manage his life or provide for his one child, who's already been through a rough time. He refuses to consider any suggestions from you, while being quite happy to let you subsidize him.

For your own sake, I'd bin him.

Hahaha! that's made me laugh 😃

He sounds like an average normal 15 year old. I don't think it's fair to blame the grandfather's health problems on him. Poor boy must feel as though he has been let down by his close family. His mother left him and his father can't provide a home for him. But he is not your responsibility

Does the child have hobbies? Friends? He's 15. You can have date nights and do your own thing as a couple or as individuals. I dont think majority of couples with kids get the whole night just the two of them but they can still have alone time. Or is your partner not interested in date nights?

Time to ask him and his son to leave. He doesn't want a real relationship with you, he wants a place to live and a maid.

He's got to have savings given he's lived at his parents and leeched off of you.

It does sound like he’s mugging you off OP.

It wouldn't be be so bad if he was contributing more and making an effort. A 15 year old can be left alone for a few hours while you go out for a drink or cinema ffs.

He likes video games and does play them at the weekend. But yeah my partner does his own thing when his son is busy and the relationship doesn’t get much nurturing.

This guy saw you coming OP, and grandfather saw a perfect opportunity to offload grandson onto you as well hence the "funny turn" due to the lad being a completely average teenager.

You are paying for this guy and his son to live with you, tell the BF to leave and for once in his sadsack of a life to put his son first.

You say the ex doesn't pay maintenance.... did your DP actually pay her maintenance for the years she had him 70% of the week?

How much actual parenting does your DP do? He's not home to make sure is doing his homework for example.

How much of the chores does your DP do? You only mentioned the kid doing the recycling and the dad paying half the bills.

It sounds as though your relationship is dead, but your DP strings you along because he wants somewhere to live...

Yeah he doesn’t want his son to feel like I come before him though, which I understand. But then that leaves me in a weird situation.

Glad he didn't move straight in with the son but still it happened. Out of your control I fully understand.

It did just hit me @Slettora

Lived with mummy doing most things i expect even child care.
Moved in with you - respected boundaries (false sense of security) went home - mummy did child care
Break down with ex son moves in - you start doing child care - whether you mean to or not child is in your house.
Boundaries shattered - his rules your house
No sex = he's turned you into mummy

Please OP he's against suggestion of moving he's comfortable. Sounds as if he was comfortable at his parents before hand.
You need to make some house rules if they don't like it they don't like it.

He was living with his parents and sharing a bedroom with his son when he had him 30% of the time

Right. So his mum's fucked off - poor kid - and he's exchanged the set-up at his parents for your place 100% of the time.

Why is your self-esteem so low as to put up with this?

Life throws strange curve-balls our way. What would you do with the son if your partner were to die tomorrow?

He's totally unequipped to deal with life and his dad is not stepping up to the plate at all.

I wouldn't be putting up with 2 free-loaders in my house ever, no way. 20 years down the line you'll be utterly burnt out. And broke.

He paid his ex maintenance yes. But he doesn’t want to hassle her for maintenance because of his pride.

He parents quite a lot, he does make sure he’s revising and doing homework and going to bed to get enough sleep and drives him to school most mornings.

he doesn’t do any chores apart from wash up after themselves

Your problem isn't the son's presence, it's that your partner can't be arsed with "nurturing" the relationship.

It's not 'a weird situation', it's awful. This man is using you. He is putting upon you, financially, emotionally, taking up your time and your space. You don't have an adult relationship but you are not free to find someone who cares about you. You don't have children but you live with a teen. You have a man paying half the bills but no romantic life.

This isn't normal. It isn't right.

I think I’m letting this happen because possible emotional abuse is at play here too

My thoughts exactly. He's getting a great deal at your place isn't he! Him and his son living rent free! I'd be telling the partner that he had to get a place of his own.

Why can't he afford it? If he was previously living with his parents presumably he's saved some money as a result?

What pride? He has you paying to house him and his son and turned you into his mum, and when I say "his mum" I mean your BF not his son. He's moved out of mummy's into your home and you are now BF mummy.

Proud is he? Scrounging from you? Barely doing anything in the house? A 46 year old that's moved from his parents to his new mummy. And when his son isn't around he's on his phone. This isn't a partnership OP - you're his carer.

You make a good point.

he says if I ask him to leave then I’m not standing by him

His pride isn't preventing him from leeching off you though.

Re emotional abuse. Can you get some counselling for yourself as you've recognised this?

Are you able to ask him to leave? I think you have to make it clear you won't be talked round or manipulated any more. Just 'this is over, I need you to move out in 2 week's time.' I think 2 weeks is enough notice. He has savings, don't get guilted into continuing this dead end relationship.

Absobloodylutely this ^