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Original poster

Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

236 replies

Slettora · 04/02/2025 18:13

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

OP posts:
SuzieQ300 · 05/02/2025 18:59

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? If this was my friend I'd be asking her how attached she is to this guy. His son, although I get why you feel some responsibility due to his situation, is not your responsibility. You sound like a kind, caring person but you're putting everyone else's feelings, situation, before your own happiness. My suggestions are sit him down and have a proper heart to heart. You need to tell him that the current arrangements are not working and it's making you unhappy. You suggested a bigger place, this could be the compromise and more time for the two of you. He would need to communicate this with his son and his son would need to be onboard. Or, I think you really need to consider if this relationship is going anywhere. Sorry. He, and his son move out, back to his parents I guess. Again it is not your responsibility to house him or his son. You'll feel awful for a while but life is too short to be unhappy.

outerspacepotato · 05/02/2025 19:27

This isn't a romantic relationship. He's using you for housing and food and cleaning.

Does he not work? How can he not have saved money when he doesn't pay the share for 2 people in your space? Even if he can't afford a place, tough. His failure to adult in middle age is not your problem. He can move back to his parents.

Nikki75 · 05/02/2025 19:31

You need to be tough on this one .. let him know it's just not working and he needs to get his own place with his son.
It will only get worse

PhotoFirePoet · 05/02/2025 19:33

He’s 46 with a child and was living with his parents before he moved in with you? Did he ever have his own place? Did he live with his ex? You must be around the same age and you have sorted out a home for yourself, so why not your DP?

I agree with those that say your partner should be paying at least 70% of food and bills, as there are 3 of you, 1 of them his son, not yours, so he should be paying for both himself and his son. It’s not your responsibility, even if you were wealthy.

I disagree with those that say you should be moved to care for your partners son like he is your own. The son sounds like a difficult person, as others say, there is more to the story of him upsetting others, in my opinion too. You were happy with the previous arrangement regarding his son and now you are not. It’s your house, your life, you need to be happy with it.

Therefore, tell your partner that you need him and his son to move out as your relationship is currently making you miserable and you need your own space back. When he says you are not supporting him, say that you have tried supporting him in the way he wants, and it is not working out for you at all, and you cannot carry on living this way.

I truly think that this relationship has run its course, from what you have said, and time on your own will help you to realise it.

ilikemethewayiam · 05/02/2025 19:56

You are extremely passive in all of this OP. It’s all about what he says.

i asked him to ask his son to go to his room one night a week He said no.
I asked him to move out, he said no

You seem to have no sense of agency. Does he get aggressive, shitty, silent treatment when you ask? Maybe you’ve been ground down over time but he does not get to say no in your house. You seem to be settling for breadcrumbs. You might benefit from some counselling to help you find your voice. I do feel for his son he sounds like a decent lad who’s been let down by both his parents but it is for his parents to resolve his housing situation not you. I hope it works out for you OP.

Codlingmoths · 05/02/2025 20:01

Slettora · 04/02/2025 20:02

You make a good point.

he says if I ask him to leave then I’m not standing by him

Show quote history

you say it’s a long time since you stood by me, why would you expect me to be standing by you now? I’m not your mum to give and give with no return, but it sure feels like it. This relationship isn’t working.

C152 · 05/02/2025 20:16

Slettora · 04/02/2025 20:02

You make a good point.

he says if I ask him to leave then I’m not standing by him

Show quote history

I think he's probably been slowly eroding your boundaries and chipping away at you over time, OP, so you don't know what's normal anymore. I'm afraid I think he's using you for somewhere to stay and someone to help care for his son. He may also care for you, but from the little you've said, he's not showing it.

At the end of the day, so what if he does say that he thinks you're not standing by him? He's living in your flat, refuses to take your feelings into consideration and doesn't spend time with you even when he has time available. Relationships are about both people compromising at times; not one person compromising all the time, which it sounds like you do.

carly2803 · 05/02/2025 20:25

Slettora · 04/02/2025 20:02

You make a good point.

he says if I ask him to leave then I’m not standing by him

Show quote history

of course he does! Because he is manipulating you

wake up OP, TELL him to leave. They are not your problem and he is using you because its convenient

Firethehorse · 05/02/2025 22:39

When he says you are not standing by him agree yes that’s correct I’m not going to anymore.
What a cheeky freeloader who could not care less about a relationship with you OP.
You are obviously very kind and I do feel very sorry for the poor son but find yourself a partner who deserves you.

JudithOx · 05/02/2025 22:55

I feel very sorry for the kid. I think your partner is being a good father, recognising how difficult this time is for his son, and providing support by sharing his evenings with him, which is the right thing for both of them (though not for you).

This should be done somewhere else, not in your home. You should encourage him to get his own place, rather than asking him to send his son to his room, which would be heartbreaking for a grieving teenager.

DearDenimEagle · 05/02/2025 23:43

He is a leech. A parasite. He is using you. You’re getting nothing from this except maybe a feel good for helping a broken family, but that’s no relationship.

It’s costing you more than just time and money . It’s depriving you of the chance to find someone who actually cares about you, rather than your landlady qualities.
Life is short and you are wasting valuable years on the wrong man. You will regret it, if you don’t tell him to move out and get a life for yourself.

BruFord · 06/02/2025 00:50

JudithOx · 05/02/2025 22:55

I feel very sorry for the kid. I think your partner is being a good father, recognising how difficult this time is for his son, and providing support by sharing his evenings with him, which is the right thing for both of them (though not for you).

This should be done somewhere else, not in your home. You should encourage him to get his own place, rather than asking him to send his son to his room, which would be heartbreaking for a grieving teenager.

@JudithOx Spending time with his son is good parenting; not providing a home for him isn’t.

The mother is just as awful, she’s buggered off and isn’t paying anything towards her son’s upkeep. They both seem to expect other people to provide substantially for their child, as if he isn’t their responsibility.

JudithOx · 06/02/2025 01:04

BruFord · 06/02/2025 00:50

@JudithOx Spending time with his son is good parenting; not providing a home for him isn’t.

The mother is just as awful, she’s buggered off and isn’t paying anything towards her son’s upkeep. They both seem to expect other people to provide substantially for their child, as if he isn’t their responsibility.

Show quote history

Oh, I'd misread... I thought the mother had died. Anyway, poor child... terrible parents. Definitely not the OP's responsibility, though. She should get out of this situation.

BlueFlowers5 · 06/02/2025 04:32

OP very difficult. I might if I were you, find a hobby or the gym to go out once a night to do every week.
Give them time to talk.
But discuss with DP whether your flat is the best place for him and his son.
Also, have you any way of checking out the mother's story?
It's all too easy for a father to paint a bad story about the mother? Maybe the DS has been aggressive?
Can your DP take his DS out to a sporty activity or for a swim? 15 year olds sometimes want or need to let off physical steam?

TheTavern · 06/02/2025 05:41

‘I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship.’
The above comment speaks volumes about you and not in a positive way. You must have known that your partner had a child and that his child was his priority.
Whilst I get that the arrangement is not ideal for you atm, spare a thought for this kid whose mum has buggered off and who now finds himself living in his dad’s partners home. He may well feel uncomfortable with the arrangement too-have u thought what it must be like for him?

Jeezitneverends · 06/02/2025 05:57

I don’t think it was the 15 year old who was causing the stress to his grandparents, it was their own son…

MeridianB · 06/02/2025 07:37

this man, who is too proud to ask his ex for any contributions towards his child, but is quite happy for you to fork out.

Ugh, yes, this too.

How are you doing @Slettora ?

Shardlake63 · 06/02/2025 08:36

he has been putting into a savings account for his son, ironically

So, he COULD afford to get his own place. He just chooses not to because it's easier and more convenient to sponge off you.
He should be using the money he is squirreling away "for his son" to provide a stable home for both of them in the here and now, which should be his prime consideration, not some vague plan for his son's future (which I would have serious doubts about anyway - that money is for him, not his son).
You are being used OP. Wake up and smell the coffee!

LindaMo2 · 06/02/2025 08:55

Does the boy have a tv in his bedroom? If not, maybe that is the answer? Start watching things he doesn’t find interesting and he might go to his room ?

Naunet · 06/02/2025 09:24

category12 · 04/02/2025 20:48

No, it's unusual that the teen wants to - and is probably because his mother fucked off and doesn't see him anymore. And now he's living with OP who wishes him elsewhere. 🙄

Show quote history

Oh do pack it in. OP is not only housing this boy, but doing all the grunt work for him and his father and subsidising his expenses, hardly the actions of someone who doesnt want him around, is it? She's entitled to want some alone time with her partner for god sake, this expectation that women should just be skivvies with no needs of their own is revolting, it's not how relationships work, children involved or not.

Naunet · 06/02/2025 09:34

TheTavern · 06/02/2025 05:41

‘I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship.’
The above comment speaks volumes about you and not in a positive way. You must have known that your partner had a child and that his child was his priority.
Whilst I get that the arrangement is not ideal for you atm, spare a thought for this kid whose mum has buggered off and who now finds himself living in his dad’s partners home. He may well feel uncomfortable with the arrangement too-have u thought what it must be like for him?

Maybe his FATHER should have a think about that himself and ask himself why he's not provided a stable environment for his son rather than expecting his parents and then his girlfriend to house him, financially support him and do all the grunt work for them,you know especially as like you claim, he puts his son first.... And by the way, that comment says nothing negative about OP, childless people are not 'bad' in some way, and of course experience more adult time. Very odd you malke a negative judgement on that.

Mix56 · 06/02/2025 09:36

This man isn't even trying to woo you in any way. The small amount of son-free time he has, he chooses to go & see his mates. At no point is he trying to prioritize you. (an hour down the pub, lunch at the w/e....)
As PP said, you have become his Mother, the only thing that has changed since being ejected from his own parent's home, is the address.

& as for refusing to move, obviously its not because its "disruptive", its because he doesn't want to have to pay his share, also, its your flat, he doesn't even get a say if you want to move considering its yours

Sorry OP, I know you feel sorry for the boy, but the father has to go.

Oh & remember he presumably paid rent when he lived with his former partner ...

SpryUmberZebra · 06/02/2025 09:51

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:00

He lived with his parents before we met (he’s 46 🫤)

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So what was the attraction to a 46 who still lived with his parents and already has a child he can’t provide for?

Please don’t tell me you’re planning to have children with this man…. And as others have said tell him he has to move out and look after his child on his own and you can see each other when you can but I’m sure it will melt likely end the relationship so be prepared to move on. It’s not your problem if he cans afford it, he can move back to his parents.

Frankly you should be walking away from this relationship but I doubt you will.

SpryUmberZebra · 06/02/2025 09:54

Slettora · 04/02/2025 19:19

Thank you. This is how I feel exactly. I have suggested we get a bigger place and he said no so then I suggested he move out and he said I’m trying to get rid of them and not standing by his side.

Show quote history

Do not give up your place to get a bigger place for him, you will end up tied to him and lose out. He needs to step up and provide for his son.

ProudShark · 06/02/2025 10:05

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