Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

[Slettora]

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

Just say you no longer stand by him then Op. He's asking too much from you and you no longer get anything from your relationship with him. Take Take Take. Take care of yourself too Op ✨️

This absolutely sums up your situation op

It is absolutely unacceptable that you are living like this. This guy and his son need to go. I feel for the son but your 'partner' is taking the piss.

I can't believe that on top of everything else he does no chores other than washing up!

But why would you stand by him? He treats you appallingly. He's a lazy cocklodger. You deserve a normal person who values you. Who cares if he can't afford a home - this is on him. He's an adult and a parent and needs to sort this out.

This man has no pride op, he's nearly 50 and can't house himself or his son without using his parents or a kind hearted woman like you.

He is being emotional abusive saying you aren't standing by him if you ask for him to leave YOUR home.
That's just a way for him to bully you to shut up and put up, people that love you don't do that.

@Slettora so don't stand by him fuck him offff

Yes you're not standing by him because you're ending the relationship. That's how ending relationships work. ignore him when he says this, he's just using you and has no respect for you

So what? Standing by him in what respect? You will be standing up for yourself, and actually it might be a good thing for his DS to live with his Dad alone too. Either way it’s not your problem. He’s managed for almost fifty years to not be a grown up, time for him to do it now. He might actually be a more attractive person too.

You know what you need to do, the sooner the better for all three of you.

But he doesn’t want to hassle her for maintenance because of his pride.

No, but he's quite happy to cocklodge at yours without putting any effort into your relationship. His 'pride' doesn't seem to get in the way of that, does it?

And he's emotionally abusing you as well? Definitely time to take a deep breath and get rid of this arsehole. Don't let him guilt trip you: you've been more than supportive, while he's done the square root of fuck all in return.

He's done just enough to make you happy to get his way.
You are no longer happy, you've told him this, you've suggested ways to help make you happy again and he has said no to everything you suggest.
This is YOUR home op, you deserve to be happy or at least not distressed in your own home.
He has invaded your home and brought his child in as well, it's not the childs fault but he goes where dad does and they need to leave.

I think you’ve seen now that he’s not even prioritising time with you when his son is busy elsewhere, but if you do decide (why?) to continue the relationship he should be paying two thirds of bills and food and something for their rent. He’s taking advantage of you.

You don’t need to stand by him, though. You are not married. You have not made a vow of better or worse. Even then, you would still be allowed to separate and divorce.
You are correct to identify this as emotional manipulation. However, the far bigger manipulation is that he has moved his son to your house as well and it is far, far harder to be the person who makes a 15 year old homeless when his mum has already given up on him. Does the fifteen year old have any other family at all? Aunt, uncles? Is there nowhere else at all he can go?
Regardless, I think you need to keep firm and don’t get drawn into the emotional blackmail and ask your partner to find somewhere for him and his son. As posters upthread have said, it is better for his son to have a good role model in his father being self-sufficient. You will need to be much firmer than you have been and don’t give an inch to the emotional manipulation.

Exactly. And when, precisely has he stood by you? He’s taking everything from you and giving nothing back. And emotionally abusing you into compliance by the sound of it.

"he says if I ask him to leave then I’m not standing by him"

Yeah. That's the point. He can stand on his own two feet.

You've had it with bring the taken for granted provider of all. Just like Grandpa.

It’s really bloody easy for the partner to ‘put his son first’ when the OP is paying for it all! He’s not having to lift a finger to put his son first.

What kind of emotional abuse @Slettora ? It’s not a good sign and once he has his feet under your table it will get worse. I hope you feel you can share this so we can look beyond the surface of issues.

It’s a risk when you meet someone with kids.

now the choice is up to you? If you’re happy to continue with this or not?

you always have a choice.

Exactly. And children don't have to come first all the time, adults have needs too. A child's every want shouldn't come before adults needs.

He’s not too proud to sponge off you though is he? Suggests he cares more about what his ex thinks of him than what you do.

I mean I don’t think you can ask a child to spend their entire evening in their toom

his mothers gone off. His grandfather doesn’t want him anymore

abd All his father wants is his son. Which I think can be quite lovely.

@Slettora His situation, lack of money, lack of preplanning is not your responsibility. You are a nice easy convenience. He benefits 100%. Nice home. Cheap living. Childcare. Cook. Housekeeper. Domestic goddess.
You benefit? . . . <tumbleweed>

So what? In what way is he standing by you? He isn't bothered about spending any time with you, pays an absolute pittance towards energy bills and food and is gaslighting you by telling you that you are the unreasonable one.

He must have loads of money saved from living with his parents and you rent free so just tell him to leave. He is your problem, not his teenage son.

It’s absolutely not lovely that this man is abusing and manipulating OP so that he has somewhere to live with his son.

If he wanted to be a lovely father, he’d provide for his son himself not sponge off OP and make her life miserable while he’s at it.

It doesn't matter, it's your decision!

@Slettora
I seriously mean this, as a single male he is low in the housing register.
As a single father his chances increase dramatically = removed need for feeling responsible for making them homeless - they will be put up somewhere may be a hotel. It's a roof!
The child being abandoned by the mother again not on you. You don't sound like a person to wish that on any one. It was just an unfortunate turn in the young man's life. It is his dad's responsibility for the emotional support required - not you as the default female.
He will be pulling on you emotionally to keep you in check. This isn't right.

Take the two of them out the equation what do you want?

Spot on comment. He's just using her for a place to stay.