Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

[Slettora]

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

"If he was my kid I’d encourage him to spend some more time with friends or say one night a week is our date night where he can do what he wants but in his room"

Well, he seems like he is pretty much your SS now OP so you should follow your instincts on how to deal with this, and your DP needs to understand the huge ask he's making of you and get on-board.
Nothing stopping you both getting out more - date night doesn't have to be at home. I know money's tight, but the occasional hotel overnight on a deal perhaps to get some sex in. And maybe the son would appreciate some alone time too! maybe it would even help him grow up to have to look after himself alone in the house.
If you love your DP, you could make this work.
But both of you need to support him in his school work and in growing up or he'll still be living with you at 46!

Why should you stand by him, when he doesn't stand by you and respect your needs?

Sorry, but he saw you coming. He's a cocklodger. I hate to say this but I doubt he was ever truly interested in you. He wanted a ready made house he didn't have to pay for to live in, and a ready made (step)mum to raise his child. You have a flatmate and his kid living with you. You don't have a 'relationship'. Since you own the place, I think you should end the relationship and kick him out. Ignore his emotional manipulations. Where he goes next is not you're concern, you're not even married and have no ties to him! He can go back to his parents.

Tell him you wanted a partner. A lover. A relationship. If you wanted only a flatmate you could have rented his room to someone else.

Get rid of the cocklodger. You're to young to live a sexless and loveless life with a flatmate and flatmate's kid. Go and find a man and LIVE your life with love and happiness in it.

You need to kick them both out, OP! Can you live like this for the next 5 years? More? Who knows if/when the boy will be ready to get his own place

@Naunet firstly if u read my post you you will see that I never said childless adults were bad in some way. However imo if the OP had children before getting involved with her partner she would have had a more comprehensive understanding of what she was getting into.
I also think she has been used by this guy and, based on what she has said, I think she deserves better.
I focused on the child because the situation is similar to a former neighbour of ours and that lovely young lad is no longer with us.

Oh another cocklodger he’s telling you what to do in your own home no way. tell him if your not spending time together as a couple no point in this relationship let him go back home to his mum he’s saving for his kid fair enough but he should also be providing him a home not his girlfriends please do something soon before you have 2 men telling you what to do,

Not your problem

But does his son not game? Have any friends? Homework to do?

And even if he isn't on it all night, playstations etc use a lot of power

Ffs. You want him to sit in his room but you won’t let him play his ps on an evening.

it’s a wonder the kid has any friends when you are preventing him from doing what they all do on an evening.

let him have his ps - he will leave you alone and you’ll have the space you need.

mental

Also sorry for resurrecting a dead thread…what an idiot

Absolutely this.

Hi OP,

You are being used here. Your DP is not building a future with you.

He is just using you. If he wanted to build a future with you he would take some of those savings and get a bigger place so you can have your own space and be comfortable the 3 of you.

Instead, he is leeching off you and saving his own money for himself.

In essence, you are funding HIS dream - not your own. You are a source of cheap housing and cook and clean. He does not take you out, prefers to see his friends and has living arrangments to suit him and his son - not you.

He is only paying half bills -but no rent. When he does have free time from the son - his friends are a priority - more important than you. He chooses to spend time with them.

OP you sound like like such a kind giving wonderful person - but unfortunately that is who users look for.

Edited to add - turf him out back to his parents. He is a gold plated user insisting you stand by him!! For what? You can do better. FREE YOURSELF