How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

[NoSmokeWithoutFire0]

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

Totally agree, you need to know what the disclosure is to protect yourself more.

keep the police informed about everything he sends and messages you too.

I’m sorry he’s behaved exactly as feared @NoSmokeWithoutFire0. Gratifying in a way, though, to know your instinct to check was correct and to have your experience validated by his ex.

It’s not rocket science to work out what the disclosure is likely to be related to, despite the police saying you don’t need to know. I would flag the emails you are getting though. The swinging from soppy to abuse and accusation is so like the guy I encountered, it’s depressing how common these types are.

Take whatever steps you think you need to protect yourself.

Can we stop telling op to contact the police again about the disclosure. She isn't entitled to it as they are no longer together. Wanting to know won't change that.

Hopefully she had let them know the update regarding him emailing her so they have note of that should he escalate or continue to harass her. But all that matters regarding claires law now is that THEY have record of his past.

Tbf though, I'm sure his ex could tell op exactly whats what if asked.

Why are the police so concerned about protecting the privacy of domestic abusers?

In my opinion it would be no bad thing if some parts of an abuser's police record were on a publicly available database.

Employers get to vet you before they make your job offer official, why shouldn't future partners?

Thanks for the updates, OP. Hope he goes away very soon. Sad to think that some poor woman and a child are saddled with him.

I didn’t think they would end up disclosing if not together anymore. If he continues to contact you, make sure you log this with the police and then consider a non molestation order. You can apply yourself or get support form a local or national domestic abuse charity.

It sounds like you have had a lucky escape

To be fair, in a way its a good thing they didn't make a disclosure because if you went in there and they told you a bunch of horrible stuff he'd done to women and said 'by the way, you can't tell anyone', surely that would weigh heavily on you.

I think if I ever run a claires law and they call me in but say I am sworn to secrecy about what I learn, I hope I have the willpower to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

Because why would I, morally, agree to protect an evil person?

All you need to know is there was something to disclose. And chances are there are other ways to find out what, without swearing to protect a devil's secrets.

It's not quite true that the police can't disclose under DVDS if the relationship is over. What matters is whether there is current risk. Essex police had to overhaul their response to information requests because of this: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-68430135

Not saying that you want to challenge, but in case you do. I've supported many people who have had disclosures even though the relationship is over.

Am shocked that the police won't tell you the disclosure and really annoyed on your behalf that they texted you instead of emailing the reference number! I mean it's not like you split up with him really that long ago and he is still emailing you !

Sounds like you had a lucky escape OP

How are you OP?