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Original poster

How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

362 replies

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:14

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 03/02/2025 18:53

If I was in a relationship with someone and felt uncomfortable enough to put in a request under Claire's Law, I'd have left him before I even put one in.

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 18:53

Ohnobackagain · 03/02/2025 18:50

@NoSmokeWithoutFire0 not screaming guilty but showing a lack of understanding of how women can feel vulnerable. I would hope a decent bloke would understand and not hold the fact you checked, against him. So a bit self-interested and in itself would put me off him.

I disagree completely. DH would be upset if someone did a clarel's law applicaton because he would be very upset that he had done enough to them that they didn't feel safe. He certainly wouldn't brush it aside as "poor women feel vulnerable".

furiousnana · 03/02/2025 18:53

Ohnobackagain · 03/02/2025 18:50

@NoSmokeWithoutFire0 not screaming guilty but showing a lack of understanding of how women can feel vulnerable. I would hope a decent bloke would understand and not hold the fact you checked, against him. So a bit self-interested and in itself would put me off him.

would you feel the same way if a man applied (which they are allowed too) and got told anything about your past? i'm afraid i truely believe that if a woman found out that her man had made an application she would go batshit crazy on him irrespective of the result

furiousnana · 03/02/2025 18:53

BodyKeepingScore · 03/02/2025 18:53

If I was in a relationship with someone and felt uncomfortable enough to put in a request under Claire's Law, I'd have left him before I even put one in.

this

Original poster
NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:53

He’s turned quite nasty since that conversation this afternoon. Part of me feels like he thought I’d panic at him threatening to end the relationship and tell him I wouldn’t continue with the application (if they do indeed have anything to disclose). I stood my ground and gave him my reasons including why I’m glad that Clare’s Law exists. I think someone commented here something similar but I feel its worth pissing a few potentially innocent people off if it also saves someone’s life. That’s how I feel about the whole ‘false allegation’ thing in general. I’d rather come from a starting point of believing and being proven wrong, than ever believing an abuser.
I’ve blocked him at the moment because he was quite angry and said ‘See, this is reactive abuse, you’re trying to get a reaction out of me. You’ll be the next one to accuse me.’

OP posts:
furiousnana · 03/02/2025 18:54

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:53

He’s turned quite nasty since that conversation this afternoon. Part of me feels like he thought I’d panic at him threatening to end the relationship and tell him I wouldn’t continue with the application (if they do indeed have anything to disclose). I stood my ground and gave him my reasons including why I’m glad that Clare’s Law exists. I think someone commented here something similar but I feel its worth pissing a few potentially innocent people off if it also saves someone’s life. That’s how I feel about the whole ‘false allegation’ thing in general. I’d rather come from a starting point of believing and being proven wrong, than ever believing an abuser.
I’ve blocked him at the moment because he was quite angry and said ‘See, this is reactive abuse, you’re trying to get a reaction out of me. You’ll be the next one to accuse me.’

block.. delete... move on! you have your answer already without the police ever getting in touch?

BitchinTwinset · 03/02/2025 18:55

Holdonforsummer · 03/02/2025 18:26

It’s clear that he has made this all about him. He could have said ‘I’m sorry you felt the need to do a Claire’s Law request and I understand that women are vulnerable so it’s good these kind of safety nets exist’. Instead he chose to emotionally blackmail and gaslight you into thinking you had caused the end of the relationship. I agree with the other posts - you’ve hit a nerve here for a reason and I’d be relieved it is over. Are you going to find out what the CL’s request showed?

This.

And @Gravitasdepleted post is bang on too.

Summerhillsquare · 03/02/2025 18:55

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2025 18:20

Tell him he's free to make an enquiry about you if he wants.

This would certainly call his bluff, the patronising weasel. But he's not worth a moment more of your consideration OP.

TheBossOfMe · 03/02/2025 18:55

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:39

As far as I understand it, and I’ve never done one so I may be wrong, but the police will only disclose information that they feel is necessary to keep the applicant safe? I know it doesn’t necessarily need to be a conviction, but I assume a pattern of similar allegations even if they hadn’t lead anywhere, with some sort of evidence to back them up (again even if it wasn’t enough to prosecute) might be enough for them to disclose? I don’t think they’d disclose a one off accusation that had nothing at all to back it up. I might be wrong though.

Yes that's right.

everythingthelighttouches · 03/02/2025 18:56

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:53

He’s turned quite nasty since that conversation this afternoon. Part of me feels like he thought I’d panic at him threatening to end the relationship and tell him I wouldn’t continue with the application (if they do indeed have anything to disclose). I stood my ground and gave him my reasons including why I’m glad that Clare’s Law exists. I think someone commented here something similar but I feel its worth pissing a few potentially innocent people off if it also saves someone’s life. That’s how I feel about the whole ‘false allegation’ thing in general. I’d rather come from a starting point of believing and being proven wrong, than ever believing an abuser.
I’ve blocked him at the moment because he was quite angry and said ‘See, this is reactive abuse, you’re trying to get a reaction out of me. You’ll be the next one to accuse me.’

OP are you in the same house as him?

If so, please discretely leave now. Do you have someone you can go and stay with?

Ohnobackagain · 03/02/2025 18:57

@MsMarch I think you mis-understood my post. I was saying that any decent person would not blame the person who made the request. They might also be horrified as you said your DH would be. Not brushing anything off - I would feel vulnerable going back into dating and I’m glad there is the option of a CL request.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 03/02/2025 18:57

Red flag central. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Titasaducksarse · 03/02/2025 18:57

What made you do the Clare's law application, out of interest?

SheridansPortSalut · 03/02/2025 18:57

Run.

The conversation today is enough grounds to end it, regardless of what the police say.

TheBossOfMe · 03/02/2025 18:57

Multiple "false" allegations by different women? Absolute bollocks - get away from him as fast as you can. Good for you for standing your ground, stating your reasons and blocking him.

RIPVPROG · 03/02/2025 18:58

"The next one to accuse me" is quite telling.
He'll be telling you his ex is crazy and made false allegations next. Go ahead with the application OP but get away from him.
I worked with DA perpetrators for years, his reaction is almost textbook.

BabyMushroom · 03/02/2025 18:59

i don't think there is always a reason to do a clare's law? i plan to do one on any man i date! they are all lovely at first

BubblePerm · 03/02/2025 18:59

Please never go near him again. Don't even communicate to finish with him.
Block him forever, not temporarily.
He sounds chilling.

Glorybox2025 · 03/02/2025 19:00

Well done for following your instincts. You know he's got a dodgy past. I would end it now TBH as he is dodgy as fuck. You'll still get the disclosure. Men with nothing in their past wouldn't give a shit about you doing a Clare's law. And decent men would fully understand why.

2chocolateoranges · 03/02/2025 19:00

Block and delete, you e done the right thing.

His attitude and other things you have posted about him are quite aggressive in tone.

you’ve done this Claire’s law disclosure for a reason, he is a walking red flag.

everythingthelighttouches · 03/02/2025 19:01

‘See, this is reactive abuse, you’re trying to get a reaction out of me. You’ll be the next one to accuse me.’

OP , I think this is a scary response.

It is often said just before a man is violent.
He’s telling you what is going to happen next.

loopyluloopy · 03/02/2025 19:01

Run for the hills and block him. He screams guilty.

My SIL was fed bullshit of false allegations made against him from her ex, made up stories and lies about the mothers of his kids - saying they were crazy. Also lied to her about having children in the first place. We all felt that something was off with him but she stayed.

He ended physically abusing her and taking her phone off her when they were on holiday so she couldn't contact us or get another hotel. He also strangled her twice when they come back the day after. He nearly killed her. I done Claire's law on him and we found out after he has been accused of all sorts, including breaching an injunction against him and rape.

So when I tell you run for the hills and listen to your gut, it's not wrong. He also tried those manipulation tactics, guys like that don't change.

BitchinTwinset · 03/02/2025 19:01

If he thinks blocking is equivalent abuse then maybe he needs to campaign for people to have the right to find out whether a partner has ever blocked anyone on their phone. See what a pathetic argument that is.

myplace · 03/02/2025 19:01

Wow.

He’s really showing his colours.
Accusing you of shadiness with your phone.
Warning you he’s been falsely accused multiple times of bad behaviour and that he should be allowed a fresh start.
Telling you that even thinking about it is abusive towards him…

Classic Darvo. So soon.

Thank goodness you did it. I’m a little concerned that he’s only blocked ‘for now’.

furiousnana · 03/02/2025 19:02

BabyMushroom · 03/02/2025 18:59

i don't think there is always a reason to do a clare's law? i plan to do one on any man i date! they are all lovely at first

i dont agree with this.. its not there are an aid to your dating life! what if you do an application and it comes back with no results? does it mean you have bagged yourself a 'good un' or does it simply mean he's not been caught yet?

trust you instincts, a womans instinct is very rarely wrong.