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Original poster

How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

362 replies

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:14

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

OP posts:
furiousnana · 03/02/2025 19:23

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:19

Just to say I’m definitely safe. We don’t live together and he knows where I live but doesn’t have a key, house is secure etc. I wasn’t sure whether to keep him blocked though or if it would be better for him to be able to contact me in case he did show any signs he might turn up? Some of the replies are worrying me that I should be more concerned than I already am

do not unblock him! make sure all doors and windows are closed and locked and i would also have a quick chat with your local police, have it all on record whats happened today and in the months leading up to you application. they will give you same advice, and if anyone comes to your door, do not open it and call 999 immediately.

do not unblock him, all you are doing is sending him a message that you are open to persuasion, and he will be well versed, almost a professional in saying the right thing!

do not let this man get into your head space. while he can communcate, he can control you. take away his control

mommatoone · 03/02/2025 19:23

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:19

Just to say I’m definitely safe. We don’t live together and he knows where I live but doesn’t have a key, house is secure etc. I wasn’t sure whether to keep him blocked though or if it would be better for him to be able to contact me in case he did show any signs he might turn up? Some of the replies are worrying me that I should be more concerned than I already am

Although i can hazard a guess, What is it about his replies that are worrying you? Please log this with the Police OP if you are concerned.

tigerlily9 · 03/02/2025 19:24

RED FLAG!

BornSandyDevotional · 03/02/2025 19:24

How did he find out you'd submitted a request? Edited to say he saw something on your phone and you told him. Apologies for not reading properly. Not very good for force to do that though!

Sodthesystem · 03/02/2025 19:24

Can I just say well done for acting on the signs op.

Mysoginistic vibes and talks about several exs being 'crazy' or reporting him are definately huge red flags.

No matter what comes back, you've found out he's a highly manipulative person who appears to deeply dislike women. You're well rid.

Maddy70 · 03/02/2025 19:25

He's hiding something

bibizizibabs · 03/02/2025 19:26

Make it clear to him ASAP that you are feeling worried about the relationship and see how he reacts if he stops being a defensive bastard (which I doubt) then you can gently move away from him but I expect he will just be a prick so the blocjk him, at least you have given him a last chance so you can hold your head up x

1clavdivs · 03/02/2025 19:27

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:19

Just to say I’m definitely safe. We don’t live together and he knows where I live but doesn’t have a key, house is secure etc. I wasn’t sure whether to keep him blocked though or if it would be better for him to be able to contact me in case he did show any signs he might turn up? Some of the replies are worrying me that I should be more concerned than I already am

Actually, we do recommend NOT blocking in circumstances like these, for exactly the reason you've said. That said, if he realises you've blocked and unblocked, that can also be tricky. Is there any way you can unblock him on one platform without him knowing he's been blocked/unblocked?

There are various reasons it can keep you more safe than blocking. If he's making threats you need to see them so you can report. It also acts as evidence. And yes it may reduce likelihood of him turning up.

(From an IDVA)

Hayley1256 · 03/02/2025 19:28

Definable dump him. When I started seeing my DP, I told him I'd done one on him and he completely understood why and was pretty impressed it existed. I saw no red flags in him to do one, I was just been cautious. It came back clean thankfully

Original poster
NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:28

I get that they might feel a little hurt but I'd expect a man to know that women have had it hard and its healthy for them to be careful of men.

See as it turns out he fundamentally disagrees with the idea that women are at a much greater risk of being abused than he is of ever being falsely accused of anything. In his mind he’s the one at risk. One of the reasons I started to feel uneasy was because of comments I’d see him leaving on social media where women were sharing their DV stories and he’d say ‘it’s not all men, women are just as bad as men when it comes to DV they just get away with it’ and things like that. For a while I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it must be absolutely horrible to be falsely accused or to feel like you’re being tarred with the same brush as a minority of awful men. Now I actually think he hates women?

OP posts:
bombastix · 03/02/2025 19:29

Run for the hills
Run for your life

Sodthesystem · 03/02/2025 19:34

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:28

I get that they might feel a little hurt but I'd expect a man to know that women have had it hard and its healthy for them to be careful of men.

See as it turns out he fundamentally disagrees with the idea that women are at a much greater risk of being abused than he is of ever being falsely accused of anything. In his mind he’s the one at risk. One of the reasons I started to feel uneasy was because of comments I’d see him leaving on social media where women were sharing their DV stories and he’d say ‘it’s not all men, women are just as bad as men when it comes to DV they just get away with it’ and things like that. For a while I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it must be absolutely horrible to be falsely accused or to feel like you’re being tarred with the same brush as a minority of awful men. Now I actually think he hates women?

Absolutely hates women.

False accusations affect women too as they make it less likely that real victims will be believed. And abusive men reflect badly on men. So why wasn't he commenting about how awful abusers and fake victims are? Because they're the bad guys. But no- Instead he was diminishing the experience of abused women.

The 'not all men' and 'men are victims too' on posts about abuse against women, aren't there to protest abuse or people who abuse the system. They're there to belittle the experiences of women. It's always mysoginy.

ttcat37 · 03/02/2025 19:35

His response to you says that he knows that you will rightly consider ending the relationship, and in typical abuser fashion he is trying to take back control by suggesting it’s his that wants to end it, and gaslight you by trying to blame you. No normal, decent man would be concerned about this. It screams guilt. I’d put money on him having a conviction for assaulting a partner.
1 false allegation in a lifetime is bad luck. 2 or more is not.

Walkerzoo · 03/02/2025 19:39

Absolutely run for the hills
Sounds like you will find out more when the police update you
And yes I would update your security. If he ever had your key I would change the locks.

Iamnotalemming · 03/02/2025 19:39

Trust your gut.

And get a ring doorbell.

heyhopotato · 03/02/2025 19:40

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:21

Oh he also said ‘maybe I should do one on you and see how you like it?’

I told him that was absolutely fine with me

well exactly, you'd be fine with it because you don't have anything to hide.

devastatedagain · 03/02/2025 19:40

everythingthelighttouches · 03/02/2025 18:40

How did he see your phone?

Do you think that’s pure coincidence or does he tend to keep an eye on your phone?

Trust me, he's watching your every move on that phone.

Wantadiv0rce · 03/02/2025 19:42

I think his last message tells you all you need to know about the "false" accusations

Get rid but be careful

Strictlymad · 03/02/2025 19:43

Muffin777 · 03/02/2025 18:17

“Move on from his past” = pretend he isn’t an abuser

This! If he’s done nothing bad there’d be nothing to move on from!!

MrsRedTop · 03/02/2025 19:46

Why do you need proof instead of trusting your gut instincts to protect yourself? Are you scared of being single?

MrsJHernandez · 03/02/2025 19:46

Guilty. Otherwise he'd have no problem.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2025 19:46

heyhopotato · 03/02/2025 19:40

well exactly, you'd be fine with it because you don't have anything to hide.

Show quote history

He could always make an allegation that he was in fear of her.

The problem is for most an allegation for this sort of thing is the same as a guilty. No smoke without fire. Even if he'd been tried and found innocent it would still be viewed with suspicion.

EveryNightInMyDreams · 03/02/2025 19:47

AlphabetBird · 03/02/2025 18:25

Run like fuck.

He’s simultaneously gaslighting, minimising and manipulating and you haven’t even got the result back.

This.

LostittoBostik · 03/02/2025 19:47

Muffin777 · 03/02/2025 18:17

“Move on from his past” = pretend he isn’t an abuser

Absolutely this

Have you got the result of the request back yet? There's definitely going to be something on there. If there wasn't he would say "of course I totally understand "

bigkahunaburger · 03/02/2025 19:48

A Clares Law application takes about a month to process. I think his reaction is abusive and a huge red flag. Even if he was falsely accused, his reaction shows he has no respect for you or other women. Get rid for your own safety.