How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

[NoSmokeWithoutFire0]

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

Even if the Clare 's Law declaration was spotless, you were justified to ask because his behaviour since then has been unhinged. He absolutely sounds like someone who would be a safety concern, even if there's no recorded history of that.

Also the 'it shouldn't be an aid to someone's dating life' er, YES, its purpose is precisely that, to keep women safe in their personal relationships! Sorry if that's too trivial for you and you think any woman dating men should have to take the risk of violence as par for the course. Thankfully those making the law didn't.

Glad you’re safe @NoSmokeWithoutFire0

You’re doing really well and I’m glad this thread has been able to give you some perspective on his bizzare behaviour. Just goes to show that your instincts were correct.

💐

Well done @NoSmokeWithoutFire0 . Great instincts there.

It might not. The majority of crimes against women go unreported. But he obviously thinks there will be something thete.

Did you contact the police last week when the kids went to bed. ? If so did they not warn him ? He has been persistent for a whole
week since .

Are you ignoring or replying.
As any response or attention from you and that will suit him . The being ignored / rejected is what he won’t be handling . Not that he cares

He actually reminds me of my ex sadly.
What they do to others is what they blame the victim of .
Total denial and deflection.

@NoSmokeWithoutFire0 ... I hope you have

• changed the locks
• had your phone checked for spyware/tracking by an expert
• reported his subsequent accusations to police
• started working on your boundaries.

Especially the latter. A boyfriend of 10 months who raised all kinds of red flags. Enough for you to see the need for a Clare's Law request. And yet you gave him the pass code for your phone, let him stay at your home, and presumably allowed him to be around your children. And continue with the relationship until it became untenable.

You really, really need to toughen up and learn to stay safe.

I might be wrong but his messages don't even make sense as he can do his own Subject Access Request on his own file so that he can know exactly what info the police hold on him. So him saying you will know more on him that he knows is rubbish. He just doesn't want you to know what he's done.

I'm glad you are safe. He's not acquitting himself very well is he with this constant pestering! It is probably actually harassing you so letting the police know is a good shout.

I hope you can take some limited comfort to know that regardless of what the disclosure comes back with, his batshit behaviour has totally vindicated your instinct that something was wrong.

Well done for listening to your gut.

It's possble they now youve split up they'll decide you don't need to know his record.
Which is arguably true. I mean he's already told you he's abused two women and now he's sending you abuse too so you do not really need to know more.

I disagree with people saying to women to use clares law with everyone they date. That's misuse of the system and could cause severe waiting lists preventing women who need to know quickly, from hearing back. I'd expect you'd probably get in trouble if you keep running them too.

Op arguably used it correctly. To validate her instincts that something was up. Although tbf he had already told her two was accused him of something so, realistically, what she needed to do was to trust her gut and not give chances to potentially dangerous men. But, sometimes we need a push to believe in ourselves amd ignore the societal brainwashing of 'be nice to men'.

But no, no one should be running it like some sort of personal security system on every man they date. Thats just sheer selfishness.

Red flag. Please run and please be safe 🙏

You don't need CL to tell you to stay away from this one. His behaviour is him waving 🚩🚩🚩 at you. Believe him and get out of this relationship.

no one should be running it like some sort of personal security system on every man they date. Thats just sheer selfishness.

Of course not and I doubt anyone except perhaps a tiny minority would. If a first date throws up obvious red flags, you just wouldn't go out again. It's for the guys who seem ok and you've formed more of a bond with. And it should be ok to think 'he seems lovely but at the same time I sometimes get a weird vibe so I'm going to check'

Thanks for updating, I’ve thought about you a few times. Looks like you’ve had a lucky escape!

I’m sending everything to the police just in case it does escalate but I think he’ll burn himself out soon.

Well done for being so careful and cautious. Just wanted to add, don't be too sure he will burn himself out soon - it's astonishing the amount of energy some people have to be hateful with (as I've learnt personally, sadly).

Yeah, mine too. He was arrested for DV against me.

It's scary that there's so many of these men out there. I probably read at least 1 thread a day on here that could easily be about my ex.

Wow, i think you've dodged a massive bullet there OP, well done!

Great news op, stay strong and I feel this is the real him so your gut was right all along

Sounds to me like you’re going to find out a hell of a lot of deeply unpleasant stuff at the disclosure that he doesn’t want you to know about. His reaction is really quite disturbing and tells me that he firmly believes that other people are responsible for his actions. Those sort of abusers are some of the most dangerous sort because nothing they do will ever be their fault.

It might be a good idea to check your house and car for tracking devices.

How are you doing @NoSmokeWithoutFire0 ? Hope you are ok

Hi, I’m okay thank you. There’s been a few more lengthy emails which swing from the soppy and regretful to calling me a manipulative abuser again.

His last ex before me (mother of his child) has reached out to me and I could have written her messages word for word myself, so many similarities.

Police have been in touch, there is a disclosure to be made. However because I’ve now told them I’ve fully ended things with no chance of going back, they no longer feel it necessary for me to know which I thought might happen. So I’ll never really know the full extent but I suppose it doesn’t matter.

Police have been in touch, there is a disclosure to be made. However because I’ve now told them I’ve fully ended things with no chance of going back, they no longer feel it necessary for me to know which I thought might happen.

Except that he continues to contact you, so you knowing his MO is entirely logical.

I would definitely get back in touch with the police and ask for the information, given that he still contacts you - tell the police this too.