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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To see this guy again or not, early red flags?

209 replies

yslxx · 03/02/2025 13:27

I've been on 3 dates with a guy, I don't really go on dates but we were talking for a few weeks beforehand and he seemed ok so I thought why not. When we've been out he comes across as a real gentleman which is something I've never come across to be honest.

I've now been questioning our last date which was Saturday and I'm not sure if I'm just looking into things too much, we had a nice evening out just a drink and dinner. He offered to give me a lift home and I accepted, we had a kiss in his car outside and chatted for a bit, before I went inside he lightly tapped me across the face like a slap it wasn't at all hard but it was just random I thought. I looked at him as if to say wtf an he's just grinning. I don't know if I'm over thinking things or if this is him testing the waters with me and could potentially be abusive in the future.

That evening he also made a comment about make up, he touched my face with one of his fingers then looked at his finger as if to see some make up on there?? Which there wasn't any, he said he doesn't really like it I ask why and he said it's just not good for your skinConfused I do wear make up but not a great deal and I don't have bad skin so now I'm wondering if this is a red flag as well.

I know he's going to ask to meet up again and to be honest I did like him but now I'm unsure like I said it wasn't hard at all and that could be his way of being funny or messing around. Any advice would be appreciated thank you

OP posts:
theprincessthepea · 09/02/2025 11:51

That’s dark and twisted. Seems small but the intent is what worries me!

I would leave.

2JFDIYOLO · 09/02/2025 12:01

Huge gigantic enormous red flag.

He is dipping a first toe into the water to see just how much he's going to be able to get away with, the further into a relationship you sink.

The practice slap.

The little opinions about your makeup.

Here's a prediction.

If you keep going with him, in about a year you'll be here writing about how he tells you what you can and can't wear, criticises you for wearing makeup ('to attract other men'), physically punishes you when you displease him, controls who you see.

He's actually done you a favour - as so many women report here, the mask often doesn't slip till they're married, she's pregnant, first baby, mortgage ... All the ties.

What you experienced on that date was a trailer, an early preview of the main performance.

A forecast of your future.

Bin this one.

I'd say write to him, say after a lot of consideration you've concluded you aren't compatible and you won't be seeing him again. Wish him all the best and BLOCK.

Gloriainextremis · 09/02/2025 12:10

79 in the space of 20 minutes? That's one every fifteen seconds. Oh dear.

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/02/2025 12:12

Well, he's shown his true colours pretty quickly.
If you met him on an app, then I'd report him on that as being harassing.
As others have said, message him once more to confirm, along the lines of - As I said in my last message, I've decided I'm not ready to date at the moment. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me again. Any further contact will be considered harassment and I will report as such to the police.

ruethewhirl · 09/02/2025 12:18

Ugh no. The tapping thing is just weird, but the makeup thing... he's a controller in the making. Never let a man tell you how to look (or how to be in general).

madroid · 09/02/2025 12:20

Bloody hell - the entitlement - why do these men think they've got the right to an opinion on a woman's body particularly a woman they've only just met.

If he does turn up OP ring 999. Don't get into a discussion, just do it.

Hopefully it was a middle of the night drunken rage, never to be repeated.

MoleAndBadger · 09/02/2025 12:20

ChristmasCwtch · 09/02/2025 08:24

It’s sensible to make him not want you. I deal with negotiation professionally. This isn’t a rational situation. He’s not someone who accepts being rejected.

A message back “I didn’t want to mention it because it’s embarrassing. I’ve got persistent diarrhoea. Need to get properly diagnosed and focus on that. It’s pretty grim. Wishing you all the best.”

What on earth are you talking about?

madroid · 09/02/2025 12:21

MoleAndBadger · 09/02/2025 12:20

What on earth are you talking about?

Show quote history

ChristmasCwtch is suggesting deliberately trying to make herself unattractive.

Grey rock idea but with diarrhoea! 😃

lifeonmars100 · 09/02/2025 12:38

Given that he is doing this sort of thing when you are at the early dating stage is really alarming. He is already testing the water with you to see if you will let this slide and if you do he will know that he can ramp things up. In a way it is good that he has shown flickers of his true self very early on which means you can get away NOW!

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 09/02/2025 12:39

SereneCapybara · 03/02/2025 16:59

You just need to text him and say that you have realised that you don't want to take things any further or continue to meet and chat, and that you wish him the best.

Having done that you then block him. If you want to, explain to him that he overstepped the mark by touching and tapping your face in a way that was not affectionate or respectful, and checking on makeup, that you found these actions quite creepy. But you are under zero obligation to train this weirdo to disguise his power trips from the next poor sucker.

You are, however, under an obligation to yourself to trust your instincts, raise the bar and refuse to date controlling weirdos.

Show quote history

Being as he knows where you live, I would not block him. If you allow his messages, you will know if he is acting weird. Blocked, he can act weird and you have no clue until it's too late.

Def allow messages, at least early on in the 'dumping phase'.

I think I would add in an imaginary man. Maybe say your brother is moving in with you for a few months and he is going to be taking up a lot of your time or even say you have re ignited an old flame. Anything that acts like a crucifix with this lemon might be a good idea.

His behaviour reminds me of my ex, especially the 'slap that wasn't a slap' and he turned out to be a Machiavellian narc weirdo and I had a hell of a job getting him to accept I didn't want to keep seeing him. To this day there were occurrences that I think but cannot prove he was responsible for.

2JFDIYOLO · 09/02/2025 12:42

That's a good point - delay the blocking and collect and preserve any emails/texts/WhatsApps etc. Send his calls to voice mail and keep recordings. Then message to say no more contact and then block, keeping everything.

larkstar · 09/02/2025 12:43

Nationsss · 09/02/2025 08:05

OP, report him to 101.
He sounds unhinged and his slapping you was assault.
Claire's law him, I bet he is there.
Screen shot his calling you and messages and report him.

100%

TheOGCCL · 09/02/2025 12:45

Blimey instincts are amazing. He sounded ridiculously arrogant from your first post and now a total nutcase from your second. I hope he loses interest once he knows he can’t manipulate you. I would document everything in case you need to file a harassment thing.

lifeonmars100 · 09/02/2025 12:49

Just seen the OP's update, my god, he went from showing small signs of being entitled and controlling to full on threating behaviour in a really short time frame.

rwalker · 09/02/2025 12:54

From they way you described it it sounds like he patted your face rather than than a slap

all irrelevant you didn’t like it so this early in sack it off

Doodleflips · 09/02/2025 12:54

Op he sounds scary.
If you need to ask advice on whether or not to see someone like this again, it might be a good idea to do some work on your self esteem, establishing good boundaries and a solid sense of self.
Also, never let anyone know where you live, until you know them well.

thescandalwascontained · 09/02/2025 12:56

Hope you're okay OP

Doodleflips · 09/02/2025 12:56

Also, it isn’t your job to educate any man on their behaviour, women are not here to fix men that can’t/don’t want to behave.

Lighteningstrikes · 09/02/2025 12:57

Im sure you’ve learnt now to NEVER let a man know where you live until you really know him.
Touching/light slapping your face is a serious breach of over stepping boundaries, and the messages are deranged.

I would log it with 111 and get their advice. They really helped me when I hardly knew someone who turned out to be stalker.

vikingnorthutsiresouthutsire · 09/02/2025 13:23

Definitely text saying not to contact you, then if he does, police. Thank goodness you trusted your instincts and hopefully this can be headed off smartish.

Msmoonpie · 09/02/2025 13:32

Your gut was bang on.

A lesson for all women everywhere. We are taught by society to be kind and tolerant to men. This is why we question ourselves - we have all done it. I know I have.

And we need to know to listen to that feeling and act on it. I have had a couple of “escapes” from these sorts of me and yes I should have listened to my gut feeling sooner.

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2025 14:06

Lighteningstrikes · 09/02/2025 12:57

Im sure you’ve learnt now to NEVER let a man know where you live until you really know him.
Touching/light slapping your face is a serious breach of over stepping boundaries, and the messages are deranged.

I would log it with 111 and get their advice. They really helped me when I hardly knew someone who turned out to be stalker.

Log it with 111? Seriously?

Newname25 · 09/02/2025 15:52

Everything okay OP?

Sodthesystem · 09/02/2025 18:12

yslxx · 09/02/2025 03:48

Update: he text me Tuesday asking when we're next going to go out, I replied and said Ive decided I'm not ready to date right now and I've got a lot coming up at work that I won't have a lot of free time. I didn't mention the slapping or make up comment because I think he would have only tried underminding it so thought it was probably pointless. He still asked if we could meet and sent a couple of morning messages and tried FaceTiming which I ignored. I did say on here I was apprehensive about blocking him with him knowing where I live, so I didn't rush to do that just to see if he'd turn and I could see what he was thinking if that makes sense.

Now early hours this morning I've woken up to 79 missed calls, FaceTimes and phone calls in the space of 20 minutes!! 3am to 3:20. And a couple of texts telling me to answer my phone. FFS.

Obviously I've not answered or replied should I just block now even though he knows where I live? I'm such a f'n idiot. I've just ordered a ring door bell!

Yikes. Yeah thats why we should always listen to our gut. If they say something inappropriate, it's because they ARE inappropriate.

Personally I would block but I understand it may be wise not to so you can watch for escalation. Hopefully he was drunk and regrets it this morning and will block you out of shame. But either way, he's nuts.

Any further contact, report him to the police for harassment. But do not reply further.