To see this guy again or not, early red flags?

[yslxx]

I've been on 3 dates with a guy, I don't really go on dates but we were talking for a few weeks beforehand and he seemed ok so I thought why not. When we've been out he comes across as a real gentleman which is something I've never come across to be honest.

I've now been questioning our last date which was Saturday and I'm not sure if I'm just looking into things too much, we had a nice evening out just a drink and dinner. He offered to give me a lift home and I accepted, we had a kiss in his car outside and chatted for a bit, before I went inside he lightly tapped me across the face like a slap it wasn't at all hard but it was just random I thought. I looked at him as if to say wtf an he's just grinning. I don't know if I'm over thinking things or if this is him testing the waters with me and could potentially be abusive in the future.

That evening he also made a comment about make up, he touched my face with one of his fingers then looked at his finger as if to see some make up on there?? Which there wasn't any, he said he doesn't really like it I ask why and he said it's just not good for your skin I do wear make up but not a great deal and I don't have bad skin so now I'm wondering if this is a red flag as well.

I know he's going to ask to meet up again and to be honest I did like him but now I'm unsure like I said it wasn't hard at all and that could be his way of being funny or messing around. Any advice would be appreciated thank you

No grown man taps a woman’s face as a joke.

Just seen your update, I’d be tempted to call the police.

Just a quick reply to a couple of questions

Informing someone you will contact the Police can escalate the situation, ultimately this male knows the OP address.

As for wishing him well (professional and personal Ohyay have very different stances) but it shows that the OP has been polite, made a clear request and is not antagonising the offender.

Professionally my concern is purely for the OPs safeguarding.

Take care and keep a time line of events. X

And if you do contact the police and dont feel listened to please drop me a direct message anytime
X

Just a thought for when you do report this to the police (because you're going to, right? The man is unhinged) - don't get bogged down in explaining why you decided to stop seeing the guy. You are not reporting him for a weird awkward face pat /slap thingy or being a dick about makeup, and if you end up talking to a particularly unenlightened member of the police force, they won't see the problem with any of it and might think you are over reacting. Which wouldn't be right, but you can't rely on the police to not also be dicks. The thing you are reporting him for is the 3am harrassment, in response to your polite refusal to continue seeing him, and that should be the focus.

I get what you’re saying @Ohyay but it is as depressing fuck that there should be any consideration from a police perspective as to whether the OP is ‘antagonising the offender’. He is a man behaving aggressively and harassing a woman. He knows where she lives. He has shown very clearly that he has no respect for her boundaries. It is not her responsibility to not ‘antagonise’ him. He is a threat. He is the problem. It shouldn’t matter if she stands on her roof top shouting his name to the whole street and calling him a stalkerish, controlling predator - he would still be in the wrong, not her. The police’s only consideration should be his behaviour, not whether or not she was polite to him. It is a dangerous, victim-blaming myth that the more vulnerable party can in any way incite this kind of unreasonable and threatening behaviour from an aggressor. The full responsibility for his actions is (or should be) on him. She doesn’t owe him politeness in exchange for her safety.

Why would he try to be funny in a way that evokes abuse? Why of all the ways to be funny?

Bloody hell @yslxx he's a nutcase.

Well done on listening to your gut. He blew up your phone last night because he probably thought you were with another man, so you can add paranoia to the list.

I agree with the other posters, one last message that you don't want to take it further, you didn't feel a spark and to not contact you again, he's been out of order.

Mute him. His last message to you should be graciously apologising for being a complete twat and wishing you well, anything else go to the police for harassment. Oh and good shout on screenshotting the messages.

Trust your gut.

If you're 3 dates in, and somewhere deep in your evolutionary core is saying, "hmmm..." then please listen.
That "gut feeling" is literally evolutions way of keeping you safe.

@PurpleElf
Like I say professional and personal opinions are very different.

Now early hours this morning I've woken up to 79 missed calls, FaceTimes and phone calls in the space of 20 minutes!! 3am to 3:20. And a couple of texts telling me to answer my phone. FFS.
Obviously I've not answered or replied should I just block now even though he knows where I live? I'm such a f'n idiot. I've just ordered a ring door bell!

Your gut was right. Save the evidence, don't block him, reach out to the police via the non-emergency number or woman's aid and ask for advice on what to do next re logging it. This looks like harassment and it may turn into stalking.

Yes, I sympathise, I really do. I’m just struggling with why your professional perspective has to be at odds with your personal perspective. Why do the police feel they need to entertain this victim-blaming stance at all? (I’m speaking generally about the police here, not you personally - your responses to the OP have been very supportive and understanding. I hope the OP reports to the police and speaks to someone with your insight and not someone who dismisses or minimises her concerns.)

I agree with this.

Personally, if I blocked him I’d spend too much energy worrying about what he’s thinking/doing. You can mute him for now and then log it with the police.

What a weirdo.

Yup I would be running from this one! I wear make up every day and if a guy had a problem with that I would dump him off. Also the slap, gentle or not is just bizarre behaviour on a 3rd date!!

Nope!

To be honest I wouldn't have seen him after that tap on the face.

Surely he must know how scary it is for women to get that number of calls and instructions to answer the phone, especially when you have already "tapped them across the face".

I would just send one message back, a text, saying please don't contact me again. Then I would block him but if he continued to get in touch I would contact the police.

You are right that she doesn’t owe him anything. And morally creeps like him should be called out, loudly.

But politeness is pragmatically speaking, more likely to keep her safe. The police cannot provide a security guard to ensure her safety. They can only react if he commits a crime.

This is good advice. If you needed to contact the police about him, one of the first things they would typically say is that they need to know you’ve told him not to contact you - it’s one of the ways they can prove the contact is unwanted. Message him fo tell him that, then don’t engage further and block him.

Blimey - he didn't wait long to start pushing your boundaries did he?

Not surprised at all to see your update of his tantrum-y behaviour when you've told him you're not interested.

A lesson here in trusting your instincts. You knew from the first date there was something "off" about him but wouldn't trust your gut because he also seemed like a nice guy and you got on well. Abusive men don't pull out the big guns at the start, they just test the waters with little "shows" like the ones you experienced to see if you're the type he's after (they won't want women with strong boundaries!)

Hopefully he will quickly move on to his next victim (and hopefully she'll tell him to fuck off too!) Be alert but don't let this loser make you scared to leave your home or anything like that. A ring doorbell is a good idea.

Geez that escalated quickly. Well done OP in recognising that he is one to avoid (before he confirmed everyone's suspicions that he is in fact unhinged).

Screenshot everything, shut him down and log with 101. Get the Ring Doorbell up and working and call 999 if he appears.

Steer well clear!

Not just a red flag 🚩 it’s a dam great red banner job
run block
No way you should see him again

Hopefully he will quickly move on to his next victim (and hopefully she'll tell him to fuck off too!)

Yikes. It’s quite depressing to see this on a site aimed at, and predominantly populated by, women. I know this is the reality, that abusive men generally get to victimise and harass as many women as they choose and all we can ever do is be constantly on our guard and hope that if we can summon the courage or opportunity to stridently say ‘no’, that that will be enough to keep us safe. But seeing it expressed like this, on this forum, is rather chilling.

This is why we need the police to take every report of such behaviour seriously, so that patterns of harassment and abuse can be picked up on, documented and acted upon. And none of that should involve a consideration of whether the victim was sufficiently polite to the aggressor after she was assaulted and/or harassed.

I don't understand the slap thing at all, there is lovingly touching a pattners face, but it sounds like it wasnt that, so what on earth was he doing? I can't really even imagine what you mea as it is such a weird thing to do and would be red flags. If it made you feel uncomfortable then that should be enough to tell you it was not ok behaviour.

Any man that commented on how I do my make up would be out the door. It is 100 percent not his business. Totally up to him if he doesnt like my style, but not his place to comment on it. It is just rude and controlling.

A long term partner, of course you say, oh I dont like that brown coat, or go shopping and give an opinion but that is after many years of trust built up where you trust the person and their opinion. You have been on three dates and so this is not relevant.

Just move on. Its not worth the potential mess.

You are not an idiot at all. You sensed something was off and politely called off the relationship. After only three dates a normal person would shrug their shoulders, wish you well, and carry on to the next on their list. How are you supposed to know someone is batshit after just a short time in their company?