Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

Littletreeboots · 2025-02-03T07:58:58+00:00

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/02/2025 08:05

So so sorry to hear you are struggling like this. What is most sad is his selfish behaviour towards his children. How did you perceive the relationship prior to your second child? I wonder if in reality he is struggling with the challenge of being a parent to two children and one whom needs extra care.
You are doing really well, try to use the kids to keep you focused and move forward. When you have time and space let yourself grieve for what has been lost. Better days are ahead, but there will be tough time too. Sending hugs.

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 08:05

Oh I’m so sorry how devastating. Prioritising himself!! - He has 2 young children how selfish.

Assume your family dont live near- could someone come and stay with you for a bit of support? He needs to come and look after the children but dont be there when he does.

Unfortunately there will be a OW

Just focus on looking after the DCs, get as much support as you can and try and eat something. I know its hard. Post here for support. Lots of us have been through it, and come out the other side.

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:08

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/02/2025 08:05

So so sorry to hear you are struggling like this. What is most sad is his selfish behaviour towards his children. How did you perceive the relationship prior to your second child? I wonder if in reality he is struggling with the challenge of being a parent to two children and one whom needs extra care.
You are doing really well, try to use the kids to keep you focused and move forward. When you have time and space let yourself grieve for what has been lost. Better days are ahead, but there will be tough time too. Sending hugs.

communication was not great but he was desperate for second baby. Unfortunately it was an awful high risk pregnancy and I kept ended up in hospital on multiple occasions. Leaving him to take care of our then 2 year old alone for days at a time. Then the birth of baby 2 was horrific and he was in NICU.
he says he loves the children more than anything but when I’ve asked him to consider staying overnight here and there to help or to even live in the house in spare room til it’s sold so he can be with his kids he doesn’t want that. He wants to feel new love again and be loved is what he said, I just cannot imagine putting my own wants above my children

OP posts:

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:09

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 08:05

Oh I’m so sorry how devastating. Prioritising himself!! - He has 2 young children how selfish.

Assume your family dont live near- could someone come and stay with you for a bit of support? He needs to come and look after the children but dont be there when he does.

Unfortunately there will be a OW

Just focus on looking after the DCs, get as much support as you can and try and eat something. I know its hard. Post here for support. Lots of us have been through it, and come out the other side.

Edited

Due to his MH I don’t feel comfortable not supervising. He cannot cope with the responsibility of 2 kids alone. He would frequently fall asleep with the baby and he has no patience with the toddler.
im confident there is another woman, for a broken mentally ill man he looks the best he has in years

OP posts:

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 08:12

Ok so he’s not that great as a dad and will only be up to day visits with DCs.

Do you have any family who could come and be with you?

3luckystars · 03/02/2025 08:13

Yes there definitely is another woman or his head has been turned for sure . It’s so hard.

I’m sorry and I hope he comes to his senses. He has a responsibility to those two children and you brought them into the world together,

He shouldn’t be able to just head off for facials while you are up to your knees in it. Hopefully this other woman will be as disgusted as all of us are at his behaviour.

frozendaisy · 03/02/2025 08:15

Get a shit hit solicitor and make sure you get yourself in a position to earn money.

He might want to waltz off into the sunset but he has to face up to his parental responsibilities whether he likes it or not, which includes looking after them and paying for them.

You need good advice here OP.

Lightswitchup · 03/02/2025 08:17

Sorry OP, what an arsehole.

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:17

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 08:12

Ok so he’s not that great as a dad and will only be up to day visits with DCs.

Do you have any family who could come and be with you?

He’s been a good dad in terms of house help. But when it comes to the kids my toddler not putting her shoes on in 3 seconds will make him loose his temper. He has a lot of childhood trauma. He saw them and only stayed 2.5 hrs because he had to wash his clothes, he then later admitted his mothers doing it anyway. So he just couldn’t wait to leave.

I don’t, I have family but there not supportive in the way I need them to be. My father has offered me to move there but it’s not logistically possible and he has a dog I believe my baby is allergic too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:20

3luckystars · 03/02/2025 08:13

Yes there definitely is another woman or his head has been turned for sure . It’s so hard.

I’m sorry and I hope he comes to his senses. He has a responsibility to those two children and you brought them into the world together,

He shouldn’t be able to just head off for facials while you are up to your knees in it. Hopefully this other woman will be as disgusted as all of us are at his behaviour.

I’m suspicious as to who the other woman is. It’s a colleague… who likes my Facebook posts of my kids.
he hasn’t stopped mentioning her for months
buying new clothes
wanting to take my toddler into work to meet his colleagues
told me he confines in her about his mh
weird vm on my phone where he’s having a odd conversation with her

there is 100% someone else

OP posts:

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 08:28

It’s so hard not to focus on the OW and who she is etc as you, of course, want to try and make sense of it all.

Try and steer your thoughts to more practical matters. See a solicitor if you havent already to see how you are fixed re housing and finances, what maintenance he will pay etc.

Try and take each day as it comes so its less overwhelming.

ERthree · 03/02/2025 08:39

Sorry this has happened, it really is soul destroying but you will get through it. Yes there is another woman, you know that. Prioritise yourself now, take control of the divorce for a start. Send an email saying he is welcome to see the children. Then have no contact with him, you are only hurting yourself by continuing contact. If he doesn't visit his children then he is in the wrong, if he does visit leave the house for an hour, go and have a coffee, have your hair done or do some shopping but you must have time to yourself.
You will be fine as will your children. The manchild is no longer your problem.

Mumlaplomb · 03/02/2025 08:45

He sounds like such a selfish arsehole OP. Time to get a solicitor and take back your power here.
Also don’t believe he “can’t” look after the children. He’s just been using strategic incompetence to keep you doing the grunt work. I would leave him at your house with them and go out and do something for a couple of hours. Have a break.
He also has to pay maintenance so I would be seeking to remind him that while he can walk away from your marriage he can’t bin off those obligations to his kids.

ZekeZeke · 03/02/2025 08:46

You are blindsided, but he has been thinking of this for a while.
What a shit husband and father he is.

Your first and most important priority is you. You need to look after yourself, eat and stay hydrated. Your children need you well.
Tell everyone. Don't let him rewrite history.

Finances: Do you work? Is the house rented or mortgaged? Do you have a joint account?
Make an appointment with a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

ZekeZeke · 03/02/2025 08:46

Try not to do the pick me dance. Hold your head high.

FabFeb01 · 03/02/2025 08:50

Well you know he’s met someone or intends to as he told you he wants ‘new love.’ I can’t believe he has no shame about it. It sounds like you have got the measure of him anyway. Sorry, it’s horrendous.

minipie · 03/02/2025 08:51

What an absolute arsehole. I’m sorry, I have no words. How selfish can a person possibly be.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/02/2025 08:55

@Littletreeboots it sounds like he has struggled with the children becoming the new priority in life and maybe as you say someone has turned his head / offer comfort in this situation. There is lots of great advice on offer here. Just want you to know you are not alone and support is here x
It sounds like he liked the idea of children and wanted to make it work, but couldn't handle the reality.

HappydaysArehere · 03/02/2025 08:58

Sounds as if he has really done you a favour. You will get through this but wouldn’t mind he will be regretting his idiotic selfishness before very long.

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:59

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/02/2025 08:55

@Littletreeboots it sounds like he has struggled with the children becoming the new priority in life and maybe as you say someone has turned his head / offer comfort in this situation. There is lots of great advice on offer here. Just want you to know you are not alone and support is here x
It sounds like he liked the idea of children and wanted to make it work, but couldn't handle the reality.

Edited

This is 100% what I feel it is. I’ve put him on a pedestal forever - pre kids I was the perfect partner in terms of him having all of me, and doing everything for him. Unfortunately after 2 very traumatic births and 2 kids who enjoy hospital admissions he has hit the bottom of the pile. He said he deserves to be someone’s priority. I just think he’s met someone who’s given him that push to go, as he is by no way a confident individual. He is very shy unless supported by someone. Which has been me for 10 years.

OP posts:

JudgeBread · 03/02/2025 09:00

Absolutely does my head in that when women are struggling with children we're expected to just soldier through, while when men are struggling with family life they can just swan off and "prioritise themselves" and they rarely see any issue with this behaviour. Can you imagine how many parentless children there'd be if women acted like men every time the going gets tough while raising kids? Fucking wet wipes.

I'm sorry OP, he's an absolute swine and it's going to feel impossible while you're in the thick of it right now, but it'll get better and you'll be alright.

Flipslop · 03/02/2025 09:04

Oh man that’s heartbreaking.
try and switch from feeling like the victim to owning the situation you’re in now, there’s noting you can do to change it. He’s showing you who he really is, believe him!
when you have the strength, put the wheels in motion for the divorce and please don’t give him free access to see the kids when he wants, this adds to him using you as a doormat, make a reasonable schedule of when he will see them (might want to make it for a few hours at a time) and record carefully how much he actually shows up to use when the money stuff comes into play.
there likely is another woman, this will be no reflection on you, it’s just his route out where he can tell himself it’s better to be without his wife and kids as he can’t cope.
i wouldn’t be pussy footing round either, don’t get involved with it but hold the like that it is 100% his responsibility to sort his mental health for the sake of his family and after the way he’s treating you now this is solely so he can care for his children, you don’t want him back.
if he has a sniff of holding the power, which he currently does as he’s coming and going as he pleases and still has you on the end of a line wanting him to fix the relationship as far s he’s conversed - he will take full advantage.
take super good care of yourself, get some therapy, organise how you care for the kids, call on friends and family help out with practical stuff so you have less on your plate.
its raw and messed up right now but trust me you will soon discover that you’re better off without him and can take better care of yourself and your kids alone.
sending big hugs and lots of love xx

Buildingthefuture · 03/02/2025 09:07

I’m so sorry op. You must be in bits. Agree about there being an OW. But if he is the type of man to ditch his wife and two young children and she is the type of woman to want a man who would do that (I wouldn’t touch a married man, especially one with dc, with a shitty stick!) then you are best off knowing now. The pair of scumbags deserve each other. Give her no headspace, she could literally be anyone and instead focus on you. Get the meanest SHL you can afford and look up “grey rock”.
He is currently not your friend, and quite obviously does not have your or your dcs best interests at heart. Act accordingly. Scream into your pillow, sing “fuck you” songs at the top of your voice, but show him nothing but icy cold calm. Fake it til you make and you WILL make it. Sending you positive thoughts xx

Bibi12 · 03/02/2025 09:07

You should not be offering him free access to the children at your home. It only sends the message that his irresponsible and selfish behaviour will be accommodated and enabled.
If he can't be left with kids on his own then it's OK to accommodate some meetings as it's in children's best interest however it should take effort on his part to organise them and to stick to consistent schedule that works for you.

I know it's really hard but you need to let go of idea of him supporting you, helping and being a good dad. Yes it hurts like hell and it leaves you picking up the pieces but the sooner you focus on build your own support network and finding solutions that don't involve him the more you'll save yourself heartache in the future.
You might need to put an effort in finding new friends who are in similar situation and can offer more then an occasional play date. Also look for local and online support groups as they can be a great source of strength.

Inmyhands · 03/02/2025 09:07

He is trash. What a scumbag. Im so sorry OP. I hope you have a supportive family to help you through this. Be kind to yourself as much as you can.