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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

292 replies

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 07:58

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Littletreeboots · 10/02/2025 10:26

Pelot · 10/02/2025 09:15

You need your own therapy to unpick why you got so tangled up with a walking red flag of a man and have no boundaries.

As for him, he's just trying to leave the door open just in case it doesn't work out with his next victim by playing the MH card.

I’ve had a lot of counselling. I have codependency issues. My mother walked out and disowned me and he became my knight in shining armour. He showed his true colours during our first year but I was to obsessed with him to see that he was problematic. I’m very self aware. I know what’s happened, but now I just need to try and heal from the betrayal

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 10/02/2025 10:35

You sound like a really together person OP. I am sure that you have the resilience to get through this. I really wish you all the best.

Christl78 · 10/02/2025 10:40

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 07:58

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

My advice to women who go through this is:

  1. get a job and become financially stable and independent
  2. shared custody 50-50. He won’t get away having a free life while you bear the burden of single parenthood
  3. make sure you get 50% or more of all assets
  4. make sure you focus on yourself and your kids
LAMPS1 · 10/02/2025 11:02

shared custody 50-50. He won’t get away having a free life while you bear the burden of single parenthood

@Christl78 but how can any decent mother hand her children over 50/50 to somebody she herself, can’t trust. Someone who falls asleep with the baby and goes into rages with the toddler. Someone with mental issues who sees no problem in suddenly rejecting them. Someone who this OP is too frightened for her children, to have him care for them unsupervised.

Christl78 · 10/02/2025 11:54

LAMPS1 · 10/02/2025 11:02

shared custody 50-50. He won’t get away having a free life while you bear the burden of single parenthood

@Christl78 but how can any decent mother hand her children over 50/50 to somebody she herself, can’t trust. Someone who falls asleep with the baby and goes into rages with the toddler. Someone with mental issues who sees no problem in suddenly rejecting them. Someone who this OP is too frightened for her children, to have him care for them unsupervised.

Yes. I meant only in case he is a good father (as much as someone who doesn’t treat the mother well can be). Otherwise, If he is so bad with the kids, I would divorce him anyway. I wouldn’t let my kids live with a monster.

Guavafish1 · 10/02/2025 12:02

Typical man behaviour

I would move close to family and friends that can help

Drylogsonly · 10/02/2025 12:11

Sorry OP, this is all horrible you deserve beater, much better.

RareTraybake · 10/02/2025 12:32

Hi have you been to be to get some help. I found GP to be brilliant in these situations. My male GP knew my husband, and told me to tell him to go to hell, and dont let him come and go into house, as he pleased, as it messed with my mind. . I was given medication to help me sleep, as I could cope better if I got a decent night. Although, it was difficult, as my disabled son was hyperactive and didn't have a normal sleep pattern. But i made sure if he wandered the house, the stair gate was put up n locked, baby plugs in sockets etc all safety precautions put in place. I know its difficult for you as you have babies that will wake up. But if you can fall asleep whilst they are asleep, it is a great bonus.Please don't think gp will judge or belittle you. Love xxx

RareTraybake · 10/02/2025 12:39

Also, it doesn't look as though girlfriend has much material support for him. Perhaps she's as weak as him, and they have found some common ground. Let them wallow in it. They will both come to the realisation eventually, they wete each cli ging onto something and someone that never was. It will all take time, and you will have a front seat to watch the car crash of a relationship fail miserably. This is when you need to be on your guard, as he will come sniffing around again. Be carefull. Love xx

Original poster
Littletreeboots · 10/02/2025 12:58

LittleGreenHouse · 09/02/2025 08:14

Did he tell you? Is he finally being honest with you? Has his mother been complicit in his lies?

I'm so so sorry, but you now know him for the shit he is. Don't hide this - it's his shame.

Show quote history

No he didn’t tell me. I found out. His mother is supporting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littletreeboots · 10/02/2025 12:58

RareTraybake · 10/02/2025 12:39

Also, it doesn't look as though girlfriend has much material support for him. Perhaps she's as weak as him, and they have found some common ground. Let them wallow in it. They will both come to the realisation eventually, they wete each cli ging onto something and someone that never was. It will all take time, and you will have a front seat to watch the car crash of a relationship fail miserably. This is when you need to be on your guard, as he will come sniffing around again. Be carefull. Love xx

She’s very mentally unstable herself. Has a lot of trauma about her family. Surprisingly her dad did to her family what my husbands done to hers. And she still thinks he’s a catch.

OP posts:
jumpintheline · 10/02/2025 13:11

So sorry op. Take good care of yourself. Over time you will get stronger and stronger. May so much happiness peace and freedom lie on the other side for you.

He is 100% the loser here.

OchreRaven · 10/02/2025 13:58

How did you find out that it’s been going on since November? Have you confronted him?

He’s not a catch. You’ve lost the deadweight and she’s won a cheating, lying, weak and selfish man. It might not feel like it now but you will look back one day and be thankful that he let you see who he really was and allowed you to move on to better days ahead.

Diarygirlqueen · 10/02/2025 14:01

You come across on your posts quite reasonable and level-headed, I think you can do so much better than him. It sounds as if he was punching!
I know you're hurting and will continue to do so, but times a great healer. I hope very soon you see him for what he is.

RareTraybake · 11/02/2025 06:30

Well she's definitely deluding herself and clinging on like a limpet. It's borne to fail unfortunately. It will all unravel, and you will probably have him confiding in you, and asking what he should do, and crying at your door. Yes, this is what they do! It's extraordinary!. My ex came crying abt, I can't afford the mortgage he'd got with 3rd wife, and got up and left her to it. He thought he was going to get a huge pay out from 2nd wife's ex husband, from backdated child support. That didn't happen n he left. He's now on 4th wife. Apparently, she spends too much on the war reenactment hobby she has. And the list go's on. I just laugh at it all now, and think, well you got you're just deserts didn't you. Raising my 2 boys over 25 years on my own, my thoughts never waivered from raising them as well as I could, on the money I had. It all paid off in the end. They are wonderful boys. You will see this when you're children settle down, go to nursery, start school, pass their goals. You've got so many things to look forward to with them. One day he will be an afterthought. Xx

Drylogsonly · 18/02/2025 07:55

Long term you will be so much better off without this liar…

2JFDIYOLO · 18/02/2025 09:38

I'm so sorry, OP, but of course there's another woman. Men don't dive out of a family without a parachute.

Some dewy eyed 20 year old who thinks he's HER knight in shining armour (he's probably replaying the behaviour that worked with you when you were dealing with your sadness), sees him as the centre of the universe because - no kids.

His mother will always side with him - he's her son, probably the centre of HER universe. I'm convinced this is often where it starts.

He has been lying and lying and lying. Misleading, cheating and hiding the truth.

Let him go. Give yourself and your children a better future.

Get a solicitor and learn about your and your children's RIGHTS.

He may make noises about 50/50 - but she will not want them around reminding her of you, he will not want them around cramping his style.

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