Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

Also - your DH is a total bastard. These pathetic men who suddenly decide family life is too much like responsibility. What the fuck did they think parenting would look like?

You need to push him off that pedestal and see him for the scumbag that he is. You are better off without a man who puts his own needs before those of his children and wife who will still be recovering from a traumatic birth.

The fact that he wanted to take your toddler into work to meet his colleagues (i.e. to meet the other woman) would make me feel sick and angry.

Please see a solicitor as soon as possible. Work out what you want in terms of financial support and the children. He doesn't sound like a safe or loving father and his mum sounds awful as well.

He wants to feel new love again and be loved is what he said,

what an arsehole. His mother should be ashamed of him.

if he wants to see the children he needs to take them elsewhere on a fixed schedule, your home needs to be your safe place.

What a vile man, you're well shot of him OP, although I know you won't think that at the moment. His new woman can have him, he's no prize is he. Tool. How can any woman be interested in a man who can swan off and leave his kids, I'll never understand it.

As for his mum, WTF is she thinking, doing all his cooking/washing and I can't believe she hasn't been over to see you and her GC and offer support. I know he'll always be her son but I couldn't behave like this if my son was treating his wife and kids this way 😡

If that was my son, I'd feel I'd failed as a mother, and kick him out and tell him to stand on his own two feet, and live the life he has chosen.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Background is husband has no dad. He left when he was 18m old. He was more or less brought up by his grandparents and he has had a very traumatic childhood. He ended up being a young carer and 2 weeks ago disclosed he had been SA’d as a child and had never ever told anyone in his life. I am the one sitting here feeling wracked with guilt for not being a better wife. He hasn’t been loving or kind to me for years, he can’t cope with emotions or intimacy, I’ve tried to justify his behaviours but now I can’t. I really am struggling

Your dh is a piece of shit who loves his dm and ow more than his dc, whatever he may say.
His dm is a shit.
The ow is a shit.
Each one of them prioritising themselves over 2 innocent dc.

STOP making excuses for this man child. People go through worse, and don't bail on their families. He has walked out and essentially broken up your family because he cannot cope, yet you have no choice but to. Dh has been through worse and is a great dad, and husband. His family were toxic, abusive, and are estranged, he had no parents, his grandparent died (the only person he was close to). Dh has been through years of therapy, and is still trying. He is here, and we've been through hell and back. Dh wants to be nothing like them, and be the kind of dad to our dcs he never got. There is no excuse op!!

None of that is a free pass to treat others, including his own children like crap, and I say that as someone who went through similar as him. Being a 'good wife' does not mean being a skivvy or an enabler.

I'm so sorry, for you and your children. His traumatic past does explain some of his behaviour but that doesn't make it less hurtful.

But please don't feel guilty about 'not being a better wife'! I'm sure you've done the best you could and rightly, your children and recovering from birthing them, has been your priority in recent years. A decent man understands that and while it is an adjustment for many men to go to the bottom of the priority pile, a good husband sees that as part of his role.

You sound really switched on and I believe that you will get through this and eventually thrive. But for now all the sadness you feel for yourself and your children is understandable and all you can do is work your way through the process as kindly to yourself as you can. Enlist any support you can.

Don’t blame yourself for “not being a better wife” - if he’s fucked up because of his childhood, and SA you didn’t even know about, that’s not your fault.

And pardon me for cynicism that he discloses SA for the first time to anyone two weeks before he leaves his wife and family, not even because he’s having a reaction to that (bet he’s going to work and out with colleagues and friends just FINE) but because he “needs to find new love” and you are pretty certain there is another woman giving it to him. What a coincidence.

There is nothing that can justify his actions OP. I don’t care what’s happened to him in the past - if he hasn’t voiced those experiences then that’s his choice. Nothing for you to feel guilty about. You’re his wife, not his therapist. The time for him to ‘prioritise himself’ was before he made a life with you and fathered two children. Please don’t look for reasons to blame yourself and recognise that this is entirely on him.

You sound like you're trying to justify his behaviour. Don't do this. It's pointless. He is focusing on himself - let him. You focus on yourself and your kids. I know it's really hard when you feel like the rug has been swept out from under your feet, but it's clear that he's pushed YOU into the role of being his carer and now you have less time for him, he wants someone else to take over. He may have been abused as a child and that's why the fixation on you as a mummy figure, but he's not your problem to fix. You've done enough. Focus on yourself now.

This is awful, im so sorry. His mother has overindulged and excused, and seems like he can't handle not being the priority. Worse - believes he deserves nothing less with no thought for what you or his kids might also deserve. Its weak to be so desperate for validation that you'll abandon all moral compass.

One day you will be glad he's gone. Because that's a personality flaw that'll run through the rest of his life. I don't know how to do ducks in a row....but im sure you have the moral compass and steel it takes to make this work. Call in as many favours and freinds as you can.

This is exactly how I see it. This was a smoke screen so he was protected when leaving. He has indeed been protected and everyone is treading on eggshells with him incase he ‘breaks down’
he is going out, going to work, prioritising self care and functioning completely normally. The day he left he couldn’t walk and was having panic attacks and then went to his moms, wallowed for the day, got up showered and went out all evening until early hours.

OP I'm so angry for you!

There is absolutely another woman from what you've put, and I'd not be chatting to his mum going forward from what you've said. She's not going to be helpful regarding him and it sounds like isn't a great grandparent role model for your kids either.

It's so hard for you right not with two little ones. Get legal advice about the house and child maintenance. Chat to your health visitor or midwife about your concerns on his parenting. Ask them if there is any local support you can access, there are often support groups and service to help mums of young children but they will vary area to area so it's worth asking those in the know locally.

I'd consider keeping a log of when you have offered him time with the kids, if he's bothered, and how the interaction went. Just dates and facts, nothing emotional but it may come in useful down the line.

I'd offer some set days and times each week where he is welcome to come round and parent while you have a bath, get on with household stuff if he turns up. If he does this gives you a bit of time while keeping an ear out. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

Don't continue to communicate with him or his mum on a emotional level. Only discuss kids and anything about the house or finances with him and I'd just not contact his mum unless you absolutely have to.

I'm so sorry. You will get through this and in the long term it sounds like you and the kids will be better off without him.

I have.. but not in the last few months due to an incident where he just lost his mind for no reason. I have since not left him alone.

Contact health visiting team and tell them he isn't fit to be around the dcs.

I realise you're in a really difficult position at the moment but I think you'll be so much better off without him. He is literally a man baby!

What was the nature of this incident. Please make a record of it.

Don't be an enabler like his mother op. Contact the necessary services and explain his erratic behaviour and that it isn't safe for him to be around the dcs alone. He doesn't get to set the rules.