Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

I'm really sorry. It happened to me as well, my ex husband left me when our youngest was 3 after 25 years saying he doesn't love me anymore and he never wanted kids, he loved them but I forced them on him. We have 3 kids, you think after the 1st one, he would have told me he did not want kids. He left to live with his sister as I did not agree that he could stay in the house, 3 months later he rented a house and a girlfriend appeared straight away!!!

With respect, I was replying to @Littletreeboots not you.

I won't comment on what else you said as I think you're going through enough.

Again, I was replying to @Littletreeboots if you'd looked properly.

Update. There was another woman. I say woman. A girl 8 years his junior who’s early 20’s. Been going on for months.

Oh @Littletreeboots I am sorry but now you know and can start a new life without this prat.

I’m so sorry, what a shit bag he is. In time you and your kids will be so much better off without him - I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will be ❤️.

He’s simply going to repeat the same cycle of mistakes and excuses now with a younger model who willingly meets his every need. For now.
She will get fed up of him though and when it sours he will come running back to you, taking his uncontrollable rages out on your lovely children.
OP, please remember what you said about your toddler being happier with him gone from the household. You may want him back but your little girl doesn’t thrive so well with him around. Use all your strength not to take him back ever and to keep your dc safe.

What a good caring father you have OP.
He will help you get through this.
I hope your house sells quickly and you can move on and away from your ex.

Oh no! What a shitbag!

Did he tell you? Is he finally being honest with you? Has his mother been complicit in his lies?

I'm so so sorry, but you now know him for the shit he is. Don't hide this - it's his shame.

Hi OP. I am afraid this was very predictable. Its horrid and you need to make sure you look after you and the kids. He is one step ahead of you so you need to play catch up in preparing for divorce. Make sure you think of every penny. Especially old savings accounts and older pensions. Also these new relationships with younger women often flounder in the first few months after a man leaves. So there is a chance he might well be back when she ditches him finding that life with him and all that entails is nowhere near what she expected or as exciting as she wanted. Be resolute. He is out and he stays out!

I'm sorry darling. It did take a long time for him to .ake up his mind didn't it. There seem to be so many "runaway brides'! as I call them. Just think of the amount of children in UK who have been subject to this. I don't know what the answer is darling. All the best. Don't look back, you all deserve better . With love xxx

Sorry to hear that OP. But at least the full facts are emerging, finally, how dishonest he's been. Knowing the full facts will make it easier to steel your resolve and plan your course. Glad you have a supportive dad. Best wishes to you and your lovely DD.

So sorry to hear that. All of that stuff about his MH and wanting to be the best dad just to try and put you off the scent.
I am not sure how we will explain it to mummy.
Whoever she is, this young woman, has absolutely no idea of what she’s about to let herself in for. But that’s not your problem.
You are braver and stronger because you are there, being a mum, caring for your kids and facing the realities of life.
He’s in mummy’s probably under a Thomas the Tank Engine duvet, with dippy egg and soldiers.
I was going to say I feel sorry for him, but I don’t. But what a piss poor way of living.

Urgh. So predictable. I'm sorry OP

F*cking hell. I’m sorry. What an arsehole.

Hi utterly predictable and pathetic, he really is a prize prick.
So sorry OP. At least now you can see him for what he really is.
You deserve better as do your children.

@Littletreeboots

Well, it is what it is. I'm not being flippant, it's just that you need to acknowledge it and move past it. Don't give time and effort into who she is, how long it's been going on, what they've done, what they will be doing etc. Say "He's a cheat. He is unworthy of me. Now how do I extricate myself from this with the least possible disruptions and least possible financial loss".

Spending your emotional 'coin' on this is wasting the emotional coin you need to deal with the logistics and realities of divorce. I know it's not easy, but I also know you can do it.

Thanks all. I’m really struggling. Somehow I feel guilty? He’s still playing the MH card even though he’s been cheating since November. He’s saying he’s unwell, mentally drained. I caught him leaving her house earlier as I was driving home (not intentionally) she lives on my doorstep and she doesn’t drive or have a house. I just have no idea how to move on from this.

Please don't feel guilty, none of this is on you. He's a cheat, it's as simple as that.
It's easy for me to say, but please focus on you and your beautiful children and try and limit thinking about that waste of space. Annoying to hear but it's true, time is a great healer.
You and your kids DESERVE so much better, he's really not much of a man.

Hes trying to make himself a victim to defend his indefensible actions. Don’t give him any audience to his self pity keep communication factual only at this point and grey rock him. He has a new woman who can hear him play his tiny violin, you need to take care of you and your kids. Best of luck OP.

Hi OP. I am sorry but his aim is to make you feel guilty- as if you did something wrong or did not contribute in the marriage. It will also play well with his mum, So his (rediculous version of events) will be that some form of mental angst forced him to do the things he is doing. The reality is of course very different. If you have access to counselling I would try and use it right now it would be useful to take some time to consider what is going on here.

@Littletreeboots i know you suspected an affair but being confronted with the evidence is quite another thing all together. Give yourself time to process and grieve. Be sad, be angry, whatever you need but remember it is not your fault. There is no excuse for what he has chosen to do. He has lied and cheated and broken the family you built for your children, all his own choice. You will move forward and rebuild but he has taken away something from you and your children that he can never repair. You are not responsible for his bad decisions.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. If he's struggling with his mental health, it's probably because he's a cheating bastard who has abandoned his family. You have done NOTHING to cause this, it is totally his own doing

His poor MH is his own doing. Probably been shitting himself that he will get caught out for being a lying cheat the last few months. Get angry OP and play hard ball with him. Get a good solicitor and screw him over.

You need your own therapy to unpick why you got so tangled up with a walking red flag of a man and have no boundaries.

As for him, he's just trying to leave the door open just in case it doesn't work out with his next victim by playing the MH card.