Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

Nothing physical. Just extreme rage an shouting

It's no excuse or reason. I've known people go through the same and worse and they haven't chosen to abandon their families. He's an adult. Let him stand by his choices. If he's telling you about the SA recently I'd be suspect about why he's chosen now to do it.

It’s very easy to judge when you’re outside of the situation. I have no money, very little family and nowhere to go. He has made me feel like I’m the issue forever.

You have to take you and him out of the equation op. Those beautiful children need to be kept safe, both physically and mentally. Contact the health visiting team about your dh's unstable temperament, mh, and irratic behaviour. Protect those dcs, and make sure he isn't with dcs unsupervised, this needs to be documented and official though, not something you set up.

He hasn’t said anything about it previously, so why do you think it changes anything now ? Other than he’s thrown it in as a bombshell when he’s clearly already made the decision to leave, and thinks it’s an excuse for the shitty behaviour he’s meting out now. OP mentioned that he’d had MH in the past. If he hasn’t chosen to disclose that the SA could have been a factor in his MH condition, and to work through and process it that’s on him. It’s not an excuse to abandon his family and ‘prioritise himself’ - OP is his wife, not his therapist.

It's understandable, you'll need to get some support in place. If you have no-one, you can contact women's aid. If you stay on here, knowledgeable people can help.

Exactly.

I have been begging him to get therapy for years. I have done lots of counselling to better myself and my MH. He doesn’t believe in it. He said he has recently had a ‘lightbulb’ moment and realised that he is very traumatised and depressed and needs to leave to heal. He said the relationship is also the problem for his bad mental health.

You are going to need some support. My Ex left when my little ones were small and I really wanted to stay in the area and looking back it was only through the support of my friends and Ex-ILs that I got on my feet and have ended up thriving. I've never had any support off my Ex.

Do you want to stay in the area you are currently?

He's a cunt

Piss off, you're clearly a nasty POS trying to dig and dig with all your various comments at OP when she's going through the worst time of her life. Beat it.

You shouldn't feel any guilt at all. You have put him first throughout your marriage until you had children. He has returned to the mother who obviously knew about and possibly facilitated the CSA that he experienced. He definitely needs therapy but it doesn't excuse his awful behaviour towards you and your children.

I understand that you are in shock, and still processing what has happened. This is why all your posts are mainly about him and the relationship.

You need to start turning your thoughts away from him, and onto the practical and financial stuff.

Here is a list:

As others have said, start documenting all the times he is an unfit parent. You will need this evidence if he tries to claim 50/50 custody to avoid paying maintenance.
Normally, I would say never let him back into the house except to collect his stuff, but in this case it may work to your advantage to insist he only sees the children in your house under your supervision, as this is evidence that you can't trust him to be alone with them. This may be needed if it ever goes to court.

See a solicitor and start the ball rolling with divorce.

Put in a claim for child maintenance via the CMS.

You say you already have full details of his finances - make copies in case he changes passwords etc. to deny you access. You want evidence of his earnings, savings, pensions, and value of assets that you have each bought, e.g. cars, big home improvements.
This is needed in case he tries to cheat you and the children out of a fair financial settlement.

Then look around for some practical help - a babysitter? Play date swaps? You need to find a way to get a bit of time away from your children, so that you can have a good cry or punch a few pillows or just sleep.

Yeah, you should, you've been nothing but shitty to OP. Leave the thread and work on your own issues.

I think it's a good thing he is not interested in having his infants overnight and using his mental health as the reason for this.
But this may not be forever. You may be expected to hand over your children to him and the new woman.
Now is the time to arrange custody to keep your children safe.
If he's falling asleep or short tempered your children could end up at harm with him alone.
Seek divorce lawyer advice on what worse case scenario is for custody and work to reduce this chance.

And these are decisions he’s made for himself OP - he’s a grown man. He’s thrown a grenade into your relationship by disclosing the SA a few days before he left - and make no mistake he’d already made the decision to leave when he did that. Now he’s seen the devastation he’s caused and he’s trying to get away from his own feelings of guilt by blaming you for ‘causing’ his mental health problems. Well he can’t have it both ways can he - he can’t blame his ‘lightbulb’ moment and his trauma (which has conveniently never been mentioned before now) and make it your fault. It’s bullshit. Don’t fall for it. Get your ducks in a row and get yourself a lawyer - and do it now so that he knows you mean business and there’s no way back. He doesn’t get the chance to change his mind and come crawling back for forgiveness after blowing apart yours and his childrens’ lives in such a cold and calculating way. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

He wants to feel new love again and be loved is what he said,

You poor woman, it sounds like you married Darren Day. I hope recent events have, or at least soon will, kill any residue of affection left for him stone dead. 💐

So you thought you'd have a pop at the mother who's caring for the children rather than the father who's buggered off?

He is an absolute coward abandoning his family like that, especially with your kids being so young.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, must still be a huge shock and you're still in the throws of having a newborn as well as a small child to look after.
Please take care of yourself as best as possible, just do the best you can to get through each day. I do hope he sees sense and takes responsibility for caring for his children, whether you're in a relationship or not! He's a total prick!
Sending love x

Well the new woman had better not want kids with him, otherwise he'll swan off having facials and wanting new love and getting mummy to wait on him.

So many posts from you trying to put all the blame on OP and absolve her DH from any blame and responsibility.