Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

Exactly. He sounds just like the sort of man who always has to be the centre of attention and endlessly moves from relationship to relationship in search of that 'new love' feeling. It doesn't usually end well for them.

Yes. What a warped way of looking at it by HotStraw

What a gem of a man. Wants to feel "new love", gets his mam to wash his clothes.

This is not a role model you want for your children anyway OP.

Many men sadly use the excuse of their mental health being poor to be shitty because it garners sympathy.

He doesn't deserve your sympathy. He doesn't deserve your kindness. He doesn't deserve your love.

He has made his choice, and he can swivel.

I should think many posters are cross that there are children involved, but we’re not all looking for a reason to pile blame onto the OP. Her DH is a grown man. He chose to keep the SA to himself. OP says he didn’t seek help or counselling for his MH problems because he doesn’t believe in it. That’s his decision. And so is the decision to throw the SA disclosure in like a hand grenade, and clearly after he’d made the decision to leave. You’re right, SA is horrific. But it’s absolutely not an excuse to walk out on the wife you married and the children you created after the event.

What a sorry excuse for a man.

Whatever happened to whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

What a wet wipe he is blaming alleged past trauma on an inability to step up and be a husband and father!

New haircut and a facial? A facial? Jesus wept what a vain little peacock he is, upset that he's no longer the centre of your adoration whilst you nurture two young children!

He has ' Poor little man' syndrome and cannot cope with his responsibilities.

You are so much better off without this needy little whining sad excuse for a man.

Some people will do anything to absolve the man and blame the woman.

So the OW (OP says she feels there is one involved) has just taken delivery of:

1. a man who has just walked out on two babies
2. a man with a terrible temper
3. a man who struggles to show any kindness and puts the blame on his wife
4. a man who cannot be trusted to look after his own children
5. a man who is having most of his physical needs met by his mother who is treating him like a baby
6. a man who has recently disclosed CSA and reports he has ‘bad’ mental health. Unless he is an award winning actor, who on earth she is, I wish her the best of luck. Because men like this take all of this into the next relationship, they can’t hide it for long. While OP is shocked and upset right now, bringing up children in a home with this man would be a nightmare. While I have sympathy obviously with CSA, the rest I don’t.

"You are so much better off without this needy little whining sad excuse for a man"
I wholeheartedly agree @Chuchoter

The added bonus is she will lose his sad excuse of an enabling mother as well.
You say, @Littletreeboots his grandparents more or less raised him.
So where was she when he was young ?
Just wondering- Is it a case of like mother, like son.
They don't like responsibility, to be the adult ?

she was clubbing into her 50’s…. Let that tell you what you need lol

also missed off the OW is pregnant with someone else. He wanted 3 kids but I couldn’t have anymore as my last was premature and I’m at too high risk for uterine rupture. So could also be a factor. I don’t know

What a rotten sod.
You are better without him.

You should, at the very least, be insisting that the three year old is cared for by him every week.
Could you visit him at his parents' home and ask him which day of every weekend would be best for you to drop three year old over there? He could bring DC home the following morning. When he copes with DC1 start to leave both kids with him. His parents need to know that it's best if they are about due to his mental health.

On second thoughts, his mother would NOT be a great support.
Is there a Social Security service of a supervised visiting hall and playground where EX could play with DC for an afternoon each week?

The fact he had a shitty childhood should surely make him want to step up as a father even more, not run off and leave them.

I would out him & tell his mother, everyone you know, that he's having an affair and has left you completely in the lurch.

Sounds like a whole lot of selfishness, not mental health issues.

MH my arse. He’s selfish, pure and simple. ( and have experience of a two month NICU stay, it’s stressful for both parents )
As he’s not interested in seeing his children see a solicitor asap about child support and take him to the cleaners.
So sorry, OP, he’s not the man or tge fatter you thought he was.

He’s a shameless and quite useless father and husband OP, mental health and abuse issues or not. It’s unforgivable what he’s done.
I know it’s the most terrible shock, but actually I hope you know that you deserve much better for the future.

His mum doesn’t sound like she is a lot of help but please think about how she could help in ways other than looking after the children, anything at all she can do to lighten your load or assist going forward as it would help to try and build a bit of a support system for yourself now.

You do sound very capable though and determined to safeguard your dc. You should be proud of yourself for that. You have been through a lot already I think and it’s made you stronger.
If I were you, I would get legal advice as fast as you can so you know exactly what you have to deal with next. Don’t tell MIL your business.

OP I know you would give anything right now for this not to have happened as it’s going to be so hard, but once you know what you have to face, you can take positive small steps towards it being better in the long term.
Your husband was a dead weight round your neck and you are better off without that. Don’t let him come creeping back when his new love bubble bursts as it surely will.
Focus on keeping your babies healthy and thriving. I have a feeling you will do very well once you get sorted and past this debilitating shock.
Hugs and lots of luck to you.

Sorry you're having to deal with this op he sounds a complete shit.

I wholeheartedly agree with the advice to tell your Health Visitor your (very valid) concerns regarding your husbands temper and any past episodes where you have feared for your children's physical safety or emotional wellbeing due to his behaviour. This needs to be documented. If he does suddenly decide he wants to step up and be a proper parent, he would be well within his rights to have unsupervised access to his children including overnights and/or give his mother unsupervised access. Please speak to someone about this.

Selfish, irresponsible sod.

MH my arse - it’s an all-too-convenient excuse nowadays for all sorts of lazy or otherwise reprehensible behaviour.

Are you quite sure she's still with someone else and this isn't your husband's child?

Are you sure the baby is not his?

Are you sure it's someone else she's pregnant with? Are you certain it isn't your DH?

He may have problems with his mental health, he certainly has no problem putting himself first though. He sounds extremely calculating.

What an absolute arsehole. You deserve so much better than this OP.
Make sure you hit him where it will hurt the most - in the pocket.
He won't be forking out for facials when he has to give his pay packet over to support you every month.
What a pathetic loser he really is.

Is he gay? (A facial).

Also could he be in the closet? If you haven't been intimate and he's not loving, maybe he's secretly gay? Not wanting to stereotype but I don't know many straight men who practice'self care ' and go for facials. Apologies if this is offensive to anyone but it struck me as such.

Unfortunately after 2 very traumatic births and 2 kids who enjoy hospital admissions he has hit the bottom of the pile. He said he deserves to be someone’s priority

What an absolute snivelling shit of a man.

I am so sorry OP.