Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

Not blaming her for his actions. But for her reaction / inaction . She is relishing having him home and spoiling him instead of telling him to support his family? She hasn’t reached out to op or offered support knowing op is doing all of the childcare?

The reality is you are seeing a part of him you didn’t see prior .

Don’t chase him to see the kids - honestly from someone who did it stops the hurt .

get the help you can from family / friends .

if he wants to see the kids he can chase you to see them . Sometimes as women we make it too easy .

focus on your daily stuff if you have no single parent friends - look at gingerbread they were great when my Ds was little .

There's almost certainly another woman. And even if they're not actively involved at the moment, at the very least he's had his head turned.

So sorry OP.

But she’s cooking his meals, doing his washing and meanwhile hasn’t reached out or visited her DIL and grandchildren to see if they need support…

You will look back in time, and know that this was for the best. He is aggressive with your children because of his lack of patience. That aggression would increase as they get older and more wilful. It’s good that they’re too young to be fully damaged by his behaviour to them.
Likewise, it’s not necessarily so bad that he’s not coming to see them. It suggests he won’t try to have 50/50 custody. In your position I’d be happy for him not to see them as he can’t behave around them.
If you don’t have support around you, look up local groups for single parents. Many years ago, my mum belonged to Gingerbread and the single mums would baby sit for each other and give all sorts of support.

These men who choose a stressful time while their partner is flat-out looking after THEIR CHILDREN to 'prioritise themselves' can get in the fucking sea. What an absolute prick.

Well OP, he's shown you who he is. Believe him. It sounds like he wants a mother, not a partner, and now you're filling that role for your own children, he's looking elsewhere. Sad little manbaby. As others have said, get some boundaries in place. He can see the kids at set times that you agree, otherwise, no. If he doesn't show up, he waits until the next appointed slot. See a solicitor and get CSA on the case. You're so much better off without him and you'll realise this in time, but in the meantime, best of luck - and stay strong!

It will get easier as your 3 year old will be able to go to nursery and then school and your little one will get into a routine. This is really tough now but will get easier.
I would not let have him in the home and let him organise and schedule stuff elsewhere with you supervising.

It won't seem like it now...but you'll one day see that you and your precious babies are better off without this utter arsewipe. Can't imagine how you must be feeling, but it will pass in time and life will be beautiful again one day x

Do we even know that he's really spending all his time at his mother's? He could have fed his mother a load of lies - that's the point, no one knows.

Looking ahead, I’d keep a log of unacceptable and abusive behaviour e.g. shouting/rough handling etc to you and the children. It may be you will need evidence to support him having supervised visitation only.

Definitely another woman!

I had all this from my ex husband. He's a liar and hasn't for the balls to tell you the truth. It will come out eventually! To play the mental health card is sick because he's dicking someone else. What a piece of shit!

So sorry @Littletreeboots. What a selfish arse. I’m a single mother to a 3yo and 11mo. Ds2 dad hasn’t seen or asked about him since summer .

I understand the anger how they can flounce off without a care in the world and enjoy their social life when you’re quite literally left holding the baby. However it’s their loss and they will get their karma when they’re old lonely men and you will have your wonderful children around you.

Practically one thing I’ve found helps is to put both of the dc to bed at the same time then transfer ds1 into his bed when he’s asleep. Also try to sleep as early as possible and try and get the housework done during the day so you have a couple of hours to yourself on an evening (easier said than done)!

It really is shite and so unfair but once a cheat always a cheat. He will do the same to OW. If you don’t work then apply for UC, also CMS. Chin up it does get easier. 😊

What a fucker. My husband had an affair when ours were 4 months and 3 years. Completely did the script and blamed it on me for not being loving enough, being distracted, being a bitch yadda yadda.
it was all about attention from other woman.

We had a break and are back together - it’s better than being apart IMO at this stage in life. But yes this reeks of other woman. What a bastard

I agree 💯

My MIL and I talk. She’s really sorry for me. He’s spun the fact he’s very depressed and needs out so he can become a better man for his kids. She hasn’t been the kindest to me in many moons, she cried on our wedding day saying she was loosing her son. She constantly wants my kids alone but then vocalises how she says the problem with society now is we can’t smack n punish kids anymore. She’s very old school. So she’s never had them alone. My husband has always been her baby. His dad walked out at 18m old, n he has always been her ‘man’. It’s always been very messed up and an enmeshed relationship. I have allowed the disrespect because I thought he was fearful of her.

Someone has turned his head for him to be behaving like this - looking after himself, having facials etc. If he was being truthful he would be mourning the end of your marriage and prioritising seeing and helping with his kids.

OP get yourself a good lawyer, get your ducks in a row and make sure you have access to half of anything in a joint account so he can’t clear it out. Don’t do the pick me dance - if there’s another woman it will inevitably come out. For now concentrate on showing him what his decision to walk out on his family and turn their lives upside down to ‘prioritise himself’ means in the real world, and take him for everything you can.

It's all adding up. Don't contact her again, or only in the most formal way.
Start divorce proceedings and take the very good advice on here.

My god OP, this is hard to read. My heart honestly breaks for so many women on these threads.
Don't ring him or chase after him, he had proven what he is by his actions. Unfortunately, I think he does have OW, his head has certainly been turned. He's vile.
Please look after yourself, you don't deserve this, your kids are lucky to have you as a mum.

Exactly. If I were her, the first thing I would do would be to reach out to OP to see how I could help, and make it very clear that I didn't condone his actions.

She's a pathetic woman, he's a selfish man-child and very bad father, you're better off without them. God knows why you used to do everything for him too, utter madness, but you're free of that now, and I think in time you'll look back on this as the best thing that could have happened.

I absolutely know I would be eaten up by the thought of the OW so my advice is given with a promise that I feel so bad for you and understand.

You need to hurt this mother fucker! It doesn’t matter that there’s another woman, what matters is that he took everything from you for 10 years and has the audacity to leave you for someone else after you gave him two children. He sounds like my OH, needs attention and validation and help and is useless with the kids and around the house, All of which you have put up with believing it’s for your future and he has the nerve to cheat or at best leave with his head turned. You do not need to sell the house when you’ve two small children at home, you are also entitled to child maintenance see how he likes that when he’s too skint for a facial or a date! Get a free half an hour with a solicitor, do not contact him, he isn’t interested, you can turn your life around and the person that deserves to find happiness is you! I‘M so angry on your behalf, DO NOT LET HIM WALTZ AWAY WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES! And it doesn’t matter now because he wanted someone else and you should never take him back but let’s face it this other woman won’t like actually dealing with his MH issues and him living with his Mum and him not seeing his kids etc if she’s a normal person. Let Karma take care of them and you get what you deserve legally.

God op, I couldn't even finish reading that before commenting. You poor poor thing, I am so sorry you're having to go through that. His actions are incredibly selfish, and like he cannot hack the tough time, so has done a runner to Mummy (probably to be waited on hand and foot) for some sleep and peace. He sounds like a cowardly man child, with absolutely no thought for anybody else, but himself.

What a shit dad to do this to his dcs too. I bet if there were no dcs he would still be there. Do not let him come crawling back when the dcs are older, and things get easier. He has left you at a time when you're the most vulnerable, and need him the most; what a pathetic excuse for a man he is. Your dcs are young, he chose to have them with you; his excuses are lies because he cannot hack it. There is no coming back from this for him.

I hope you have support. Things will get better in time, it'll be a tough path a head, I cannot begin to image what you're going through, but I promise as your babies grow it'll get easier. You don't need a weak man like this in your life; he doesn't deserve you, and he doesn't get to walk back in to your life later down the line. 💐x

Just read the other woman part, this is even worse, I am disgusted. This isn't falling out of love, this is bailing and running off because he cannot hack it. You're better off without him.

There's definitely another woman,tbh he sounds awful!

You are going to need some practical help. Someone who can give you breathing space from 24/7 parenting a toddler and baby.

I don't know your financial situation but can you afford to take on a part-time mother's help? Someone who comes in for a couple of hours a day for as many days a week as you can afford?

The person doesn't have to be qualified as such, and there are lots of women who want part time flexible work. I hired several helpers like this, they were always older than me, one of them just retired and looking for a top-up, and all of them had already raised kids. One of them was my neighbour's cleaner. Lovely woman and a godsend.

Even for an hour so you can have a bath in peace and have a good cry while you find your feet.