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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

292 replies

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 07:58

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

OP posts:
CraftTea · 03/02/2025 09:08

He’ll regret this OP, but too late. What’s your financial situation?

curious79 · 03/02/2025 09:10

What you need to know is that courts don’t care whether or not there is another woman. And while you want to know, as it maybe gives you a reason as to why he’s done this, ultimately it won’t make things any better for you. In all likelihood you are unlikely to get any kind of confession from him so you have to accept this ambiguity.

instead, to the extent you can, you need to

  • use this time to gather financial information. The pensions he has. Details about his salary.
  • Decide what you want life to look like. Where you might want to live. Men are very obliging when there’s a young baby in the mix they don’t want to look after. But as soon as a child reaches a point of becoming interesting and saying ‘daddy daddy daddy’ (it’s all about ego) then in my experience they start to become difficult
  • Will his family help you - with childcare etc? Do you get on well with your MIL?
Original poster
Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 09:16

curious79 · 03/02/2025 09:10

What you need to know is that courts don’t care whether or not there is another woman. And while you want to know, as it maybe gives you a reason as to why he’s done this, ultimately it won’t make things any better for you. In all likelihood you are unlikely to get any kind of confession from him so you have to accept this ambiguity.

instead, to the extent you can, you need to

  • use this time to gather financial information. The pensions he has. Details about his salary.
  • Decide what you want life to look like. Where you might want to live. Men are very obliging when there’s a young baby in the mix they don’t want to look after. But as soon as a child reaches a point of becoming interesting and saying ‘daddy daddy daddy’ (it’s all about ego) then in my experience they start to become difficult
  • Will his family help you - with childcare etc? Do you get on well with your MIL?

I know everything financially. I have managed family finances for 6 years and well aware of everything. He knows this.

I don’t feel comfortable for him having overnights yet. Especially not with the baby, he cannot cope with being woken up in the night and can become very angry and short with DC. Or he falls asleep with the baby and he slides down into the bed. VERY dangerous.

my MIL has never really been a fan, she says she is, but she hasn’t treated me well. She hasn’t encouraged him to go home and work on his marriage once, she is babying him, cooking, cleaning, doing his washing for him. He loves it.

OP posts:
Pelot · 03/02/2025 09:16

You're well shot of this 'man'. He sounds like he's one toxic messed up human and you've been facilitating his life for a long time. Your kids deserve so much better and so do you do. Go get therapy and sort out why you ever thought doing everything for someone was a good idea. Life will be hard for a while then so much better.

Mumto42005 · 03/02/2025 09:18

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position OP.
Many of us have been where you are, and it is absolutely devastating, so sending you massive hugs.

I came home from my Mums when my son was 6 weeks old to find my partner at the time (his Dad) had packed his stuff and left. Wasn't answering his phone, messages, nothing. Later that night, I got through, and a woman said 'he's with me now' and cut me off. I was devastated at the time.

I am now a single Mum to 4 boys, and it is hard as I don't have any support (I don't have any family, my only friend lives two hours away) but I am an amazing Mum and now the kids are getting older, they appreciate that.

Firstly, be kind to yourself! An easy tea one night when you are tired? That's perfectly fine. Tired at 8pm when the kids are all settled? No problem... get the rest you need. You can do this... and smash it, even though you don't know how at the moment. You will find the strength to for your babies I promise you.

Secondly, and quickly, make sure financially you are ok. Anything you have with him, make sure you protect yourself and take copies of anything relevant that you may need later on down the line (any documents, payslips, proof of savings etc). Sounds like the last thing you need, but it will help you down the line to have copies of these things if required.

Try not to focus on him and the OW and focus on you and the kids, taking one day at a time, as you will just devastate yourself further if you focus on them.

Could contact be done with his family instead of at your home? It would enable you the break that you will need, and give you time to sort out the things you need to.

Also, see if there is a childminder or likewise nearby that has a DBS check that you can use on the odd occasion if needed to have a few hours to yourself.
My youngest goes to a childminder who has been babysitting for me since I moved to a new area 3 years ago. She is amazing and it gives me a couple of hours child free when needed to just breathe, and with her profession and DBS check, I knew they were safe.

The best revenge is to show him that you don't need him, and you are the best parent to the children that you can be 💕

skkyelark · 03/02/2025 09:21

I would write down and date as many significant losing his temper incidents or unsafe with the children incidents as you can. If you've got any messages of any sort where you mention an incident, save them. Going forward, I'd note them down as the day they happen if possible. If he's unsafe to have the children on his own, you will need evidence, and contemporaneous notes are better than nothing.

lifeonmars100 · 03/02/2025 09:22

I am so sorry, you must be deeply shocked. Mine left me with a 7 month old baby and it turned my life upside down. In many ways having to get up every day and care for my child was what got me through, as you know you simply cannot crumble and take to your bed when you have little ones who need you. You will get through this and come out on the other side and it will change you and how you see the world. Sadly I would not be surprised if there is another woman, it is almost unheard of them to leave and not have someone else lined up. Take care x

Redcandlescandal · 03/02/2025 09:23

I would take control and divorce him. I wouldn’t be making it easy for him either.

No confusing things by allowing him access to the DC in your home.

Time to toughen up. Things will get better on the other side of this. 💐

BeatrizBoniface · 03/02/2025 09:24

He deserves to be someone's priority?
What do his children deserve? A dad who at least has the time of day for them.
I can't believe how many threads there have been on here recently about lazy, selfish, entitled men, who have fathered children but decided it's all too much. Unbelievable.

TaggieO · 03/02/2025 09:24

It may not feel like it now but my god you’ve had a lucky escape!

BeatrizBoniface · 03/02/2025 09:25

lifeonmars100 · 03/02/2025 09:22

I am so sorry, you must be deeply shocked. Mine left me with a 7 month old baby and it turned my life upside down. In many ways having to get up every day and care for my child was what got me through, as you know you simply cannot crumble and take to your bed when you have little ones who need you. You will get through this and come out on the other side and it will change you and how you see the world. Sadly I would not be surprised if there is another woman, it is almost unheard of them to leave and not have someone else lined up. Take care x

Exactly. No matter how you feel, no matter what your circumstances, you prioritise your child.
If only the OP's husband did this.

ExercicenformedeZ · 03/02/2025 09:26

Why on earth is his mother coddling him? If I were her, I would say that he couldn't stay with me. Her condoning his behaviour sounds like a lot of the problem. Was he very spoiled by her growing up?

BeatrizBoniface · 03/02/2025 09:26

skkyelark · 03/02/2025 09:21

I would write down and date as many significant losing his temper incidents or unsafe with the children incidents as you can. If you've got any messages of any sort where you mention an incident, save them. Going forward, I'd note them down as the day they happen if possible. If he's unsafe to have the children on his own, you will need evidence, and contemporaneous notes are better than nothing.

I agree - falling asleep when responsible for them etc

SpringBunnyHopHop · 03/02/2025 09:28

I hope you are OK. You will come out of this better off in time.

Cyclebabble · 03/02/2025 09:29

Been where you are now OP. The hurt is enormous. However, you now need to be practical. He will have planned this, I would say 80% certain there is another woman. He may have started to hide finances and you need to make sure you get the best legal advice available. Make sure you deal with this practically. As far as is practical deal only via your solicitor and make sure you maximise your financial settlement. In a number of cases the new relationship with the OW breaks down once reality sets in and he turns up expecting her to look after a toddler and spend time with a baby. If this happens make sure you are strong. He is out and he stays out.

GrumblingRose · 03/02/2025 09:30

Either an OW or he feels he has missed out on his youth . I bet he told his mum that you kicked him out too .

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/02/2025 09:30

He’s biding his time pretending not to have met someone - and then suddenly she’s officially on the scene - “they fell in love while she was supporting him through the break up” It’s the script. He’s a sorry excuse for a partner and a father. Hope you find the strength to forget about him op 💕

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/02/2025 09:32

ExercicenformedeZ · 03/02/2025 09:26

Why on earth is his mother coddling him? If I were her, I would say that he couldn't stay with me. Her condoning his behaviour sounds like a lot of the problem. Was he very spoiled by her growing up?

Exactly. The odd night sure, but I’d be telling him to head home and look after his kids by now!

BeatrizBoniface · 03/02/2025 09:32

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/02/2025 09:30

He’s biding his time pretending not to have met someone - and then suddenly she’s officially on the scene - “they fell in love while she was supporting him through the break up” It’s the script. He’s a sorry excuse for a partner and a father. Hope you find the strength to forget about him op 💕

Yes, and you can bet your life there's a tale of woe about how much he's done for you and the kids and what a (insert "nag" or whatever here) you are.

Motnight · 03/02/2025 09:33

ExercicenformedeZ · 03/02/2025 09:26

Why on earth is his mother coddling him? If I were her, I would say that he couldn't stay with me. Her condoning his behaviour sounds like a lot of the problem. Was he very spoiled by her growing up?

Please don't blame another woman for a man abandoning his family.

BeatrizBoniface · 03/02/2025 09:33

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/02/2025 09:32

Exactly. The odd night sure, but I’d be telling him to head home and look after his kids by now!

Show quote history

Me too. Even if I didn't know the full story, I wouldn't enable him avoiding parental responsibilities.

jumpintheline · 03/02/2025 09:33

Congratulations on getting shot of this fuckwit OP. Wish you much happiness on the other side xx

GrumblingRose · 03/02/2025 09:35

ExercicenformedeZ · 03/02/2025 09:26

Why on earth is his mother coddling him? If I were her, I would say that he couldn't stay with me. Her condoning his behaviour sounds like a lot of the problem. Was he very spoiled by her growing up?

Because he's probably told mummy a pack of lies and probably said the OP had kicked him out .

Cornflakes123 · 03/02/2025 09:35

What a selfish arrogant twat. Sorry op.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 03/02/2025 09:37

You have had a very lucky escape.
Block the woman you suspect to be the OW from seeing your social media, start divorce proceedings and hold your head up high.

His behaviour would repulse me into being nothing but glad he was gone. The red flags were already there with his temper, I bet life will be a lot more peaceful for you and the kids without fear or him blowing up over your child not putting their shoes on fast enough. That’s grounds to leave him on its own for me.