this might sound like a weird one, but I am beginning to get irritated with my dp of around 18 months and I really would appreciate some views on this. I feel like he often says mean things/put downs or negs in normal conversations and I get blindsided or more frequently now, offended and we end up arguing because I don't like feeling put down in this way. Examples would be, eg-
I've always loved movies, tv, pop culture trivia in general including actors/actresses, celebrities, popstars etc. I've been that way since I was a kid and read all the pop mags, I never saw it as a bad thing before more of a thing I do to relax, but he often brings this up in arguments. If I watch a show about 90s boybands, he will bring it up later in a more intellectual conversation saying that my interest is in boybands, his is in (whatever 'serious', scientific or whatever topic we might be discussing). Btw, I went to oxbridge and have a masters degree from UCL while he went to a vocational college, so it feels odd to have my intelligence undermined in this way. He will also say that I have an 'infatuation' with actors or famous men if I go on their wikipedia page after we watch something, even if it's just to see what else they have been in. I haven't had a celeb crush since I was a young teen, I just love that world of media/pop culture. He went in a mood after I took him to see a one man play in London once, because he said I was obviously fascinated with talented men/actors.
if I describe people generally using adjectives like their height, attractiveness, job etc he says I am overly preoccupied with these qualities and he has even said I am shallow before and that I was only with my ex for his salary. I actually was a single mum for years and built up my successful career through a lot of graft, and I've never expected to split expenses more than 50/50- in fact, I helped my ex build up his career to a double pay rise, while taking a cut of my own.
He thinks my interest in true crime is also incredibly vapid and also mentions it in arguments.
If we watch a show involving casual sex/dating, which he knows I did a lot of in my distant past, he will refer to how shallow and weird it is to sleep with someone you're not in love with. He takes a lot of pride and talks a lot about how he has only had 4 sexual partners in his mid 40s and always bangs on about his christian/country background and how this has given him strong (read: better) values/morals. He has gotten very annoyed even watching shows such as Girls, Looking, Fleabag etc before because he thinks they trivialise sex and relationships, and ends up having a rant about this. I am 10 years younger and I feel like his attitude is pretty old fashioned, I cant get riled up about stuff like that especially in a tv show.
He makes a lot of comments about 'city people' and how people from the countryside are generally more friendly, more reliable, more moral, etc. I have grown up in cities as he knows, and lived in major cities for 15 years as an adult. again, I never thought to judge people on city/country before!
I have had to hear the same sermon multiple times on how lying is so bad for relationships (no shit) - he seems to rank cheating/lying on a level with murder or something, because he was cheated on once. He is so black and white, I often end up pointing out that eg. my mum had an exit affair in a DV marriage, but even that to him is a stain on her character.
I have actually raised to him a few times now that if he cant accept things about me (from stupid stuff like the articles I read online, to bigger stuff like maybe being less black and white about stuff like casual sex, etc) and continues to be judgy/neg, maybe we aren't very compatible but he just maintains he thinks we are soulmates?!
It just feels like so often, I come away from conversations feeling defensive and/or invalidated, as well as insecure about myself- maybe I am shallow, etc... On a level I know it's not true, but it seems like even my stupid side interests are up for comment. I never thought that wikipedia-ing a director or watching a show about take that would lead to a negging comment about me, but it feels like he is in constant judgment! Its so annoying when I have so many interests and I am obviously no fool.
Any thoughts? He is otherwise lovely and does everything for me/us, he's kind, I just dont get this judginess. His family are kind of like this too, making out they are better than others, but he sees that in them... just not in himself.