Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

You need to get your ducks in a row ASAP because it will only get worse.

Obviously his family and friends will support your useless husband. Do not listen to them as their opinion is irrelevant.

You need to try and move back to the UK. We don't have alimony here and both parents are expected to work. Why did you move to the country you live in now? Is that when he lost his job?

Stop doing anything for him, e.g. don't cook his meals or do his washing and certainly don't sleep with him. Behave as though you have already separated but are still living in the same house. He deserves no care or consideration from you.

I’d plan a move to the uk without telling him. What exactly is he going to do about it? He can’t pay legal fees with no money

And btw he’s very much aware of your stress. He just doesn’t care

I'd move back to UK - make sure you have all documentation ré finances, especially him draining savings.

Then take each day as it comes

Come back home, without another word to him!!
What country are you in?

Are his mum and the rest of the family here in the UK? Is he only allowed to be in that country because you are working there? In your position I think I would apply for a job in the UK, tell him about it, let him argue if he likes but ask how he's going to manage to afford to live in that country, then move back and let him move in with his beloved mother. Let her deal with them given she thinks he is owed so much sympathy.

Bloody stupid to tell the OP to move back to the UK without his consent. It's child abduction. He doesn't need money to report her to the police.

The advice you get here OP is very much going to depend on which country you are in.

Are your children British Citizens? Do they have passports? I would look into the consequences of moving them to the UK more closely. If they're not British Citizens what are the implications of moving them ie can he apply to court to have them returned?

It sounds like your husband thinks he has you trapped but you need to look into this more. I would seek out a lawyer who specialises in this to see what your options are. It doesn't sound like your husband is motivated to do anything, let alone fight for children he's not particularly involved with.

I'd move back to the UK and not tell him before. Go and 'visit' family with the children and decide not to go back.

What's he going to do?
He has no assets or money to pay for a lawyer.

He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me.

What did the money go on?

And why did he stop working?

Are you sure you’re getting decent legal advice? Paying alimony to a spouse that refuses to do any kind of paid, or unpaid work with the ability to, seems really odd. What argument have they made that explains why you would need to support him?

What legal advice have you been given in terms of how to resolve your situation?

If I were you, I would collate as much documentation that shows how he got you both into this situation and see another lawyer. An adult supporting another adult that is unable to work for health reasons, is surely entitled to some kind of carer’s allowance. If your husband isn’t mentally or physically unwell, there is no reason why he can’t work and therefore needs financial support.

I’m not going to give you advice other than to suggest you start getting a paper trail together. It could include:

Evidence that he ruined the family finances
Does not provide care for the children
Does not perform reasonable jobs of a SAHD

etc. etc. I’d also make sure the kids passports are up to date and well hidden.

I honestly don't know where the money went. I know that sounds stupid. He gaslit me about not having had as much as I thought he did. I still don't know what it was spent on.

In terms of his job, he was let go during Covid and just didn't get another job.

Are your dc and dh uk citizens?

I'd move back to the uk but involve him in the move with the view to live apart once you're here. Unless he's not a uk citizen then you need to separate according to where you're living.

Thank you all. My children have British and Australian passports so we could move back to the UK. Their father is Australian.

Just the children and I are British. DH is Australian.

He's cleary very lazy and passive and not a good parent. Do you think, honestly, that if you left him, he would put the effort in to fight? It might be harder ifyou stayed in that country but if you came back, do you think he'd actually do the work necessary to get you to come back/see his chidlren?

Sometimes with really useless men, that can almost work to your advantage. These men often make a lot of threats... but when it comes down to it, they won't do anything.

I wouldn’t hesitate for one single second to come back to the uk. I’d do it tomorrow. Without him.

let him try and get Alimony out of you. My guess would be he can’t. My second guess would be it’ll take him years. Let his supportive friends and family keep him.

thank you. I was advised that the best thing I can do is to help him get a job because if I kick him out now when he has nowhere to go and no way of supporting himself, he has to be able to support the children in a similar lifestyle to how they live now, ie. I would have to pay for him. I can't quite believe it either. Maybe I do need to get a second opinion.

Why do his family sympathise with his situation? Is he unable to work for health reasons? Is he depressed? Just wondering exactly why he hasn't worked in 3 years. Was this just a choice he made?

I recall from other threads on here that Australia is one of those countries where both parents need to agree in order for the children to move to another country, so he could stop you. If you tell him. If however you take the children back to the UK without telling him, well. Just bring with you whatever matters the most to you and the children (favourite toys etc) or he will let you work yourself into the grave, and what will happen to your children then?

This is what I am worried about. My lawyer mentioned the Hague Convention. I need to get his consent.

I think he is probably depressed but he won't see a bloody doctor. and he actually seems quite content. His family feels sorry for him and say "it's an epidemic in Australia" that middle aged men can't get jobs. I don't believe this. He can't even get a job in a supermarket or a restaurant? It's utter BS.