Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

546 replies

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 09:57

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:15

AskJateace · 31/01/2025 12:11

You really need to have a conversation with him about his 0 to minimal efforts of not helping and making any contributions towards the household. This will not be an easy conversation to have, however, if you don't talk to him and stand your ground on this, nothing will change. You have to explain to him open and honestly how you are overwhelmed and struggling and that he needs to do something to help provide for the family you have with him. I would also give him an ultimatum since you are considering a divorce to see if he's willing to make this change and at least try to do something else except for depend totally upon you. You have to show him that you are done with allowing him to be so nonchalant about how hard of a time you're having and that if he doesn't do something to take some of the responsibility off of you, you will go your separate way. You have to make sure that when you have this conversation, he has your undivided attention. And, you are going to have to be firm about what you're saying and be willing to enforce consequences if he does not decide to make a change. I know in your heart that he's your husband and you love him, but supporting the family should not be all on you. And when it gets to a point to where they've gotten so comfortable with not doing anything knowing how stressful it is for you, they are truly taking advantage, and he has been getting over for quite some time. You must have this conversation and how you go about it will determine if he really listens. You can't reach him if he's closed off, so make sure you mention to him that you need to have a serious conversation and ask him when it will be a good time to talk. This way you are not forcing anything on him but allowing him to decide when he's available to talk so he can't run or try to avoid what needs to be said. Approach him gently but assert yourself and be totally truthful about how you feel. This is not the time to sugarcoat anything or minimize the behavior so they won't be upset or offended. This is a time where there is a problem and you need a right now solution, and you've been nice about it long enough. So what you should do, is schedule a time to talk, have the conversation, and go from there.
Best wishes!!

Thank you. I have had this exact conversation MANY times. I have tried being calm and empathetic and tried being angry, tried it all. He always cries, and says sorry, and promises to try harder to get a job - and then nothing changes and he goes back to watching his soaps and sitting on his arse. I am so, so fed up with it and starting to think he's manipulating me.

OP posts:
Muffin777 · 31/01/2025 12:15

It doesn’t matter so much whether they are British citizens. If they are habitually resident in another country then OP’s DH can apply to have them returned. Australia is a Hague convention country. It’s complex law and you need to speak to a lawyer with international experience.

and yes we do have ‘alimony’ in the UK, it’s called spousal maintenance. You may not avoid that by getting divorced here. It’s not common but it can be awarded.

pitterypattery00 · 31/01/2025 12:15

My relative ended up in similar situation (although not with different countries complication) - husband refusing to work, spending savings. He was controlling and abusive. Divorce process has taken almost a decade(!) as he is using it to continue his control, finding every loophole to delay things. She has a career but it's not high-paying - and had now been ordered to pay him tens of thousands of pounds and he's also wanting a share of her pension. Marriage is definitely not always beneficial to women unfortunately - it can financially ruin you and you can't just 'walk away' - divorce process can be very difficult with a controlling, abusive ex.

But, despite everything, she has been so much happier since she left him. It's been a hard road but she is free.

HT2222 · 31/01/2025 12:16

I am so, so fed up with it and starting to think he's manipulating me.

Yup, he is playing you like a fiddle

Nazzywish · 31/01/2025 12:16

You have no assets, nothing tying you down where you are apart from debt and work. So in this order:
Move back to UK
Divorce him - he will not get 'alimony' as children are older, you've got no assets to divide and he capable of working.
Get back to the UK even if its without him.

curious79 · 31/01/2025 12:17

PLEASE ignore every poster who says 'just leave'. That will end in a whole host of complications, including your potential total loss of the children. God knows what else to do but I couldn't stay married to that. He does need to get a job.

Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:18

the7Vabo · 31/01/2025 12:12

Who pays his bills? Like his phone, if he needs say shower gel, new runners etc. who makes his food?

If you do any of the above would cutting him off help?

Show quote history

yes this is all me. Hmm good point.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/01/2025 12:19

Do you have a joint account?

Can you only have an account for you that pays everything so that he has no access to your money?

Does he get any form of benefit?

I'd definitely be cutting him off

the7Vabo · 31/01/2025 12:20

curious79 · 31/01/2025 12:17

PLEASE ignore every poster who says 'just leave'. That will end in a whole host of complications, including your potential total loss of the children. God knows what else to do but I couldn't stay married to that. He does need to get a job.

Agreed, the OP seems sensible about this but be very sure you have the right legal advice when it comes to moving the kids and what the ramifications could be for you.

Tel12 · 31/01/2025 12:21

He's too comfortable. Stop cooking, washing, cleaning up after him. Whatever it takes to get him up off the sofa. Give him jobs to do. He shapes up or out. Btw I'd also be planning a long holiday home.

MugPlate · 31/01/2025 12:24

How can I get through to him

You can't. Sorry to be blunt. You absolutely cannot make him understand because all the upside to him is on not understanding. The status quo is perfectly fine for him.

I'll assume the following:

His food arrives
His laundry is done
His bed is made
His toiletries are replenished
His house is cleaned
His mobile contract is paid
His wifi is uninterrupted
His car is maintained
His haircuts are booked
His children are educated, entertained
His family receive presents and cards with his name at the bottom

Take a look at that list and you'll see that only the second last actually needs you to do it.

the7Vabo · 31/01/2025 12:24

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:18

yes this is all me. Hmm good point.

Show quote history

None of us know you obviously so you will have to think carefully about any advice you action.

There is also the downside of (1) the kids noticing he’s upset if you don’t make his meals, (2) him deciding to leave, or (3) he is medically depressed and it’s not the right thing and you might push him too far.

But it sounds like the dynamic of a mother and adult child who won’t leave home more than a husband and wife.

Could you consider saying look we’ve had the same conversation over & over and nothing changes. And you have pushed me to the brink so I am pulling X & Y. If you think he is mentally up to it.

peachystormy · 31/01/2025 12:25

Ceecee2422 · 31/01/2025 11:14

Leave! That’s what you do, why are you even facilitating this after 3 years?! Just move back to the UK sod the consent, deal with that later…….

I would be tempted to do this aswell

Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:25

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2025 12:19

Do you have a joint account?

Can you only have an account for you that pays everything so that he has no access to your money?

Does he get any form of benefit?

I'd definitely be cutting him off

We have a joint account for bills but my salary gets paid into my own account but I have very little left at the end of the month and our savings are gone. He won't even apply for benefits, out of a misguided sense of pride I think? Keeps saying a job will turn up. It's all absolutely bonkers. The more I read all these replies, the more I realise that.

OP posts:
SharpOpalNewt · 31/01/2025 12:28

user243245346 · 31/01/2025 11:25

She could be arrested for child abduction and the children returned to Australia.

Op I think you need to give him an ultimatum then ask him to leave if he doesn't step up.

Interestingly as a never married single mum I have noticed that you would get hugely different responses if the sexes were reversed. I don't agree in either case with one party not contributing

Show quote history

I don't think I've ever seen a thread with the exact reverse situation happening.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/01/2025 12:30

HPandthelastwish · 31/01/2025 10:33

I'd move back to the UK and not tell him before. Go and 'visit' family with the children and decide not to go back.

What's he going to do?
He has no assets or money to pay for a lawyer.

That is abductions

oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 12:30

@DeepViper Here is your Husband's song.

Play it loudly to him. ''Hallelujah I'm a Bum!''

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uKbIkYGsIg

Mirabai · 31/01/2025 12:31

Nazzywish · 31/01/2025 12:16

You have no assets, nothing tying you down where you are apart from debt and work. So in this order:
Move back to UK
Divorce him - he will not get 'alimony' as children are older, you've got no assets to divide and he capable of working.
Get back to the UK even if its without him.

I agree with this in principle pending discussion with lawyers.

What work do you do OP and is it feasible to apply for work here? You need to be near your family if you get so little support from him.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 31/01/2025 12:31

I’m another one who thinks you need to run everything out of your account that he has no access to. He can still have access to the joint account, but it won’t do him any good if there is nothing in it.

In the first instance, end the relationship even if you’re still in the same house. He sleeps on the sofa if you don’t have a spare room. You do no laundry, cooking, or other chores for him. You do not share any money with him. You do not discuss anything about your life or movements, except about the children. You’re not together any more, so why should you.

From there, you can take good legal advice re divorcing.

Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:35

Mirabai · 31/01/2025 12:31

I agree with this in principle pending discussion with lawyers.

What work do you do OP and is it feasible to apply for work here? You need to be near your family if you get so little support from him.

Show quote history

I work in tourism / hospitality so it's transferable. I am applying for jobs. I do feel as though me leaving would be a wakeup call. I know it would be difficult and the schools and NHS are a whole other challenge, but I am going backwards financially here and frankly, am totally miserable, and becoming more miserable by the day. As others have said I need to start with getting the right legal advice and take it from there one step at a time.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/01/2025 12:36

I'd move all the money into an account he can't access and tell him if he won't work and won't address whatever is causing him to behave this way then he doesn't get a penny day to day.

Edit. Sorry. I missed you posting you've done that.
Is there anything he has that you can cancel? Mobile phone? Tv subscription?

And do absolutely nothing for him. No laundry, no meal, nothing.

Cyclebabble · 31/01/2025 12:36

So a note of caution to any working woman. If your DH stays at home, probably doing very little he can argue he is in fact the main carer for the children. It does not matter if in practice this is outsourced and his input is limited to some pick up and drop offs. If he then finds someone else (happens a lot), then he can divorce you and claim half the savings you have created and half the pension only you funded. In the UK a court would look to ask him to get a job, but for at least a transition period you would need to pay spousal maintenance. So you had a lazy cocklodger to start with, who has left you for someone else, taken half of the money he never earned and then just to add the final insult wants to continue to take part of your pay after you he has divorced you. If he throws in anxiety and stress he can look at SM for ever.

TheSandgroper · 31/01/2025 12:37

OP is in AUSTRALIA. Australia takes the Hague Convention VERY seriously.

Advising OP to move back to the UK and sort the rest out later is advising her to ruin herself financially and as a parent.

OP must stay in Australia, near her children's father, unless he provides written, witnessed consent to a move. Even then there may be conditions attached which may impact OP financially.

CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:38

HPandthelastwish · 31/01/2025 10:33

I'd move back to the UK and not tell him before. Go and 'visit' family with the children and decide not to go back.

What's he going to do?
He has no assets or money to pay for a lawyer.

He doesn’t need a lawyer. The way it can go is:

  1. He calls the Australian police and says his wife has kidnapped the children (legally true).
  2. The Australian police call the British police and tell them the above.
  3. The British police (with the assistance of social services) remove the children and arrest the OP.
  4. The children are placed on the first plane back to Australia where they are placed in the care of their father.

This is all completely free.

The father getting an emergency custody order based on the OP being a verified kidnapper would (at least in the UK) have a good chance of getting legal aid, so also free.

If the OP is convicted of kidnapping she gets banned from Australia. There can be no suggestion of sending the children to see her - she’s already kidnapped them once - so she loses her children.