Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

546 replies

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 09:57

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 12:38

@DeepViper What a complete pain to be supporting a 'Bum'.
If he had anything about him, he'd get a job out of pride, not to be supported by his wife.

If he was running the household and doing all the cooking and cleaning and helping the children with schoolwork &c while you worked, it wouldn't be as bad, but bumming off his wife while welded to the sofa watching ''Neighbours'' {or whatever} spending your money without lifting a finger is a bloody cheek.

I hope you can get out with the kids.

He's not a good example to them if all he does is loaf about.

moose62 · 31/01/2025 12:39

Could your parents not 'pay for a holiday' for you and the kids for a couple of weeks to the UK. Then whilst you are here you can make the decision not to return and to start divorce proceedings....or you could all come to England, husband included, on holiday and you then give him the ultimatum that he gets a job here to be with the children or he returns alone to Australis.

Ceecee2422 · 31/01/2025 12:40

MugPlate · 31/01/2025 12:24

How can I get through to him

You can't. Sorry to be blunt. You absolutely cannot make him understand because all the upside to him is on not understanding. The status quo is perfectly fine for him.

I'll assume the following:

His food arrives
His laundry is done
His bed is made
His toiletries are replenished
His house is cleaned
His mobile contract is paid
His wifi is uninterrupted
His car is maintained
His haircuts are booked
His children are educated, entertained
His family receive presents and cards with his name at the bottom

Take a look at that list and you'll see that only the second last actually needs you to do it.

Even then if he’s sat on his arse all day he should be entertaining and educating the children………she’s the breadwinner so he should be doing the majority of the chores and looking after the children…….

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 31/01/2025 12:41

Haven’t RTFT- but to save a court order, could you not give him an ultimatum and say you are all including him moving back to the UK, then split when here and divorce? Not your problem if he can’t get a job then you could buy him a ticket back to Australia alone - bit sneaky and would take some time but might be a better option or tell him your quitting your job and you’re no longer be able to find him so he either leaves or gets a job

Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:41

Cyclebabble · 31/01/2025 12:36

So a note of caution to any working woman. If your DH stays at home, probably doing very little he can argue he is in fact the main carer for the children. It does not matter if in practice this is outsourced and his input is limited to some pick up and drop offs. If he then finds someone else (happens a lot), then he can divorce you and claim half the savings you have created and half the pension only you funded. In the UK a court would look to ask him to get a job, but for at least a transition period you would need to pay spousal maintenance. So you had a lazy cocklodger to start with, who has left you for someone else, taken half of the money he never earned and then just to add the final insult wants to continue to take part of your pay after you he has divorced you. If he throws in anxiety and stress he can look at SM for ever.

This is, unfortunately, the truth. It's hideous. He wasn't like this at all when I married him, or I wouldn't have given him a second glance, but it is what he has become and it's a NIGHTMARE.

OP posts:
Satsumamandarin · 31/01/2025 12:41

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:25

We have a joint account for bills but my salary gets paid into my own account but I have very little left at the end of the month and our savings are gone. He won't even apply for benefits, out of a misguided sense of pride I think? Keeps saying a job will turn up. It's all absolutely bonkers. The more I read all these replies, the more I realise that.

Show quote history

Why do you have a joint account if he doesn't have any money? Cancel his phone bill and stop buying him toiletries, food etc. Stop giving him access to your money. Speak to another lawyer about how you can divorce without having to give him your hard earned money. Depression isn't an excuse not to work.

Truthlikeness · 31/01/2025 12:42

Sell the TV - tell him you can no longer afford the licence/cable.

CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:42

Noras · 31/01/2025 11:21

Ask your solicitor about a court order to relocate - no one can force you to stay. If he is not being a parent or a bread winner what is his purpose? He can’t live off you indefinitely and needs to get off his backside and get a job. Unless he has compelling health issues he will have to produce copious records of all his applications and rejections etc

No, but the courts can and will refuse to allow the children to leave. The OP can leave without them whenever she likes but how many mothers are willing to do that?

LurkyMcLurkinson · 31/01/2025 12:43

Unfortunately this man is not going to change so that leaves you with two options. A.) Accept a life sentence of being there to meet all his needs and serve him with little/nothing in return. B.) Rebuild a new life for you and your children, even if that means taking a chance on facing things in court. I know which I’d rather. That said I would absolutely seek a second legal opinion before making any big moves and make it clear him getting employment won’t happen, as he refuses, and ask what options that leaves you with. At the same time I’d also restrict his life in every way possible while you line up your ducks. No cooking or cleaning for him, have the joint account purely for bills so he doesn’t have access to spend money on whatever he wants etc. Maybe that will motivate him to pull his finger out.

DoveLisand · 31/01/2025 12:43

If you come on holiday here and then stay, how will he have the money to force you to come back? Lawyers cost money. And if you say you are going to return, like he says he is going to get a job, then could it just go in for years but you’d be here? Have to check what usually happens in Oz I guess.

No Christmas present for you from him, or his family or he helping the kids create one is kind the line in the sand. You are not a person to him or them. Just a money provider. Need to put yourself first.

CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:44

Ceecee2422 · 31/01/2025 11:28

Not being funny but how is he challenging anything with no money? Not to mention the fact he clearly cannot support the children and she has 3 years of factual evidence to prove he has not supported them in any way in the past 3 years……a court would have to be completely mad to hand over children to a male that hasn’t supported anyone……..

Show quote history

It’s free. All he needs to do is call the police. The state will do the rest.

Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:44

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 31/01/2025 12:41

Haven’t RTFT- but to save a court order, could you not give him an ultimatum and say you are all including him moving back to the UK, then split when here and divorce? Not your problem if he can’t get a job then you could buy him a ticket back to Australia alone - bit sneaky and would take some time but might be a better option or tell him your quitting your job and you’re no longer be able to find him so he either leaves or gets a job

thank you. Potentially. Although after Brexit I think it's quite difficult for a foreign spouse to move to the UK, without having a job or significant savings himself. I am exploring this option though.

OP posts:
Oceangrey · 31/01/2025 12:45

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:41

This is, unfortunately, the truth. It's hideous. He wasn't like this at all when I married him, or I wouldn't have given him a second glance, but it is what he has become and it's a NIGHTMARE.

Show quote history

I've never thought about this. My marriage is good but stil... I might stop encouraging my husband to take a long break from work, as I have been doing.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 31/01/2025 12:45

What kind of bonkers system would make someone pay alimony to some lazy bastard who can’t be arsed working ? Madness. It’s an entirely different situation to where a joint decision is made for one person to cease paid work to raise children and keep house.

I have no idea on the likelihood of that being mandated by the Aus courts but even if it was, you’re paying to keep him anyway, could it be any worse than now?

CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:49

Ceecee2422 · 31/01/2025 12:02

But where were they born? If they are UK citizens you can bring them back and then fight anything from here, get a consent for a holiday if needs be, a court looks at all factors especially here, they look at who looks after the children, who supports them, if they want to return, why they are better with you and why you need to move back, you’re a UK citizen and so are they so I would just leave him and come back here in all honesty, doesn’t sound like he’ll ever have a penny to fight anything and you have all the proof that he does nothing, put a camera in your house too if needs be and record him doing bugger all all day, no court in England will send UK citizens back to a man that does nothing……..

Show quote history

This simply isn’t true.

Anything to do with the children has to be dealt with in the courts where they are habitually resident which is Australia.

Citizenship is completely irrelevant (this is a common mistake) and in any event the children have joint citizenship.

He doesn’t need money to fight this - international child abduction (which this legally is) is a criminal offence for which people can and do go to prison. The state will pay.

Octavia64 · 31/01/2025 12:50

Seems to me that being blunt isn't going to get you anywhere.

One possible option is to look at jobs in the UK and try to sell it to him as that you are looking for promotion and to move up in your career to afford a better lifestyle.

If you are prepared to play the long game then it's reasonable to think you could persuade him to move up the U.K. with you. At which point The Hague convention will not be an issue as you will be resident in the Uk,

On a separate note, I'm not familiar with the Australian education system. You say you are paying for private special school for one if your children - is there any chance of moving them to a state alternative?

CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:51

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 12:00

Just take the kids and come over here, asap

A criminal offence which will result in the children being sent back to Australia and at worst will result in the OP being prosecuted and banned from Australia (so not seeing them until they are 18).

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/01/2025 12:53

In your shoes I'd cancel the TV cable service on cost of living grounds. Yes it would be painful with the kids but hey, choices if you want to eat.

The same with mobile and broadband. He can find an internet cafe and use his unemployment benefit [assuming he's eligible] to cover his living costs. If he is not eligible then the state has decided he is a) not looking for work and b) entitled to a health allowance. Having (a) means you can evidence he has done nothing to seek work and there is no agreement for him to be a SAHD.

I take a slightly different view of life. You have presumably lived and worked in Oz for over a decade. Your kids know nothing else and they are settled in school. They love their father - they won't want to relocate to the other side of the world. They are also old enough that a lot of the logistics of school wraparound care falls away.

I would get the best legal advice you can afford to split. If your income is insufficient to cover alimony on a 50:50 split basis then he will have to step up. You will have to rent some pretty crappy accommodation if you have to house both sides in a 50:50 split but hopefully temporary. Sleeping on a sofa so your kids share the only bedroom may focus his mind. You can evidence how much of your income goes on special school fees and the rest.

On the 50:50 side of things, he will have to look after the kids on his week of cover, if he doesn't they are old enough to be able to explain to social services that he doesn't feed them or wash their clothes and the courts will instruct they live with you, at which point he will have to find his feet financially.

Richtea67 · 31/01/2025 12:54

Beelzebud · 31/01/2025 11:26

Can you start having your salary paid into a bank account with only your name on it? Cancel credit cards he uses? So he has to work if he wants anything but the bare minimum of food and clothing from you? This would mean you would have to food shop but it sounds as if you do that anyway. Cancel Netflix, change the password on the router. At least then you would be able to control where your money goes

(you must try to track where the money you thought you had went, so you can evidence the need for this process if a court should ask. )

This was my train of thought exactly. As well as stopping doing anything for him around the house..live separately as it were. Would this get him to buck his ideas up?

pitterypattery00 · 31/01/2025 12:55

@Cyclebabble exactly what happened to my relative - ex claimed he hadn't been able to work because he provided childcare. He never looked after his children and there was evidence of this. He didn't work but also wouldn't claim benefits. They lived off her salary and savings. During divorce, court ordered that she pay him tens of thousands 🤯

wouldyouratherdo · 31/01/2025 12:56

@DeepViper In a very similar situation with my ex-husband, who refused to work. I gave him an ultimatum after one year of unemployment I would divorce him. He was shocked that I followed through - but this was 10 years ago and he hasn't worked since, he went back to his home EU country and lives in rented accommodation funded by benefits, Has never paid any maintenance and makes very little effort with our child.

My advice to you would be to end this relationship as soon as possible. I’d suggest as a first step renting another home locally and moving into it - if your husband doesn't cook or clean that I'm sure your children will want to live with you, and you can make them available for contact. Also move the account your salary is paid into – and leave the tenancy on your home - when your husband can't pay the rent – hopefully he will be evicted and his housing will no longer be your problem.

My child is still young and does not know the reasons I divorced her father as she was a baby, but there are consequences if you refuse to work and I wouldn't be concerned about splitting up your family, your children need to see that if you don't work you don't live the cushy lifestyle that you are providing - it's presumably upsetting for your children anyway that their father is neglecting them and their needs.

You will be better off financially not supporting a grown adult. He is financially abusing you

Doloresparton · 31/01/2025 12:56

Get rid of the TV.
Tell him you need the money to buy shoes for the dc.

Original poster
DeepViper · 31/01/2025 12:56

CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:49

This simply isn’t true.

Anything to do with the children has to be dealt with in the courts where they are habitually resident which is Australia.

Citizenship is completely irrelevant (this is a common mistake) and in any event the children have joint citizenship.

He doesn’t need money to fight this - international child abduction (which this legally is) is a criminal offence for which people can and do go to prison. The state will pay.

Show quote history

This is what my lawyer advised too. I need to get him to consent if I decide to do this. It's a massive risk that he won't agree and I am stuck with a custody battle that neither of us can afford.

OP posts:
CandidHedgehog · 31/01/2025 12:57

moose62 · 31/01/2025 12:39

Could your parents not 'pay for a holiday' for you and the kids for a couple of weeks to the UK. Then whilst you are here you can make the decision not to return and to start divorce proceedings....or you could all come to England, husband included, on holiday and you then give him the ultimatum that he gets a job here to be with the children or he returns alone to Australis.

None of this is legal. Both the UK and Australia take The Hague convention very seriously.

Going ‘on a holiday’ does not change habitual residence.

Sure the OP could give an ultimatum. Then when her DH had stopped laughing, he could take the children to the airport and go home with them to Australia.

I suppose at least in that situation, the OP wouldn’t have actually broken the law (unless she tries to stop them) so she would still have a visa and be able to follow them back to Australia.

May09Bump · 31/01/2025 12:57

This is what I would do.

  1. find myself a job in the UK 2)Tell him you got let go of you job in Aus and have been looking for another but with no success, but have been offered a UK role that will support him still being a SAHD
    3)Tell him you'll have no money unless you all move back to the UK.
  2. Move back to the UK
  3. Give him divorce papers a month after moving and kick him out.

You obviously would have to work on him to get him in the mindset of moving but then you would be resident in the UK and could deal with him on home ground.

In the meantime I would be ring fencing money away from him and also sorting out processions ready for a move asap (under the disguise of decluttering).