Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

The waster wouldn't mind them when OP had to rush to the uk to see her dying mother, she had to pay someone.

He is the lowest of the low.

She needs to tell child services this and how he cleared them out of savings she alone had earned for the family.

He is abusive lazy selfish scum.

Did you tell the lawyer all about his financial abuse of you in terms of secretly spending all your savings. Surely that would be taken in to consideration?

I agree. OP should also tell her lawyer that when she returned briefly to the UK to attend her mum's funeral, although he isn't working, he left the children with a child minder instead of looking after them himself. Hopefully that could help counter any claims he makes to be a SAHD.

Get a second opinion about the finance but if you think that you will inherit down the line l would get divorced sooner than later just in case.

He spent all your investments, joint account and furthermore the children accounts which is unforgivable in my eyes, l could not forgive that, divorce him a.s.a.p and in the meanwhile do nothing for him.

Get all the data/evidence you can.

Leave, start divorce, as part of that, forensic accountant to show where the money went and what he did!

The chances of him proving that he could not work and that he was actively managing the household, being an active parent and that he therefore needs your financial support are pretty much nil here. He cannot prove it because it did not happen.

Even if on finding out you're divorcing him, he seeks to get a dx and prove he is unwell, you can suggest this is only happening due to the divorce and he has had zero interest in helping himself up to that point, which will cast strong doubt on any dx and any need for continued support!

He really can't excuse doing nothing with his children -and if he over-eggs the cake that he was too unwell to care for his own children he won't be able to claim he should have custody, or 50/50 care!

He also can't excuse the financial abuse.

Once you have left and have divorced and so on, you may not want to leave Aus anyway, I know I wouldn't, the UK is a pretty massive shit show right now with a lower standard of living and not particularly lower costs any more. But attempting to leave and take the kids after the divorce would be significantly easier!

I have re-read your original post and all the updates. I sympathise. My husband has been out of work for 4 years at some point and his parenting style is similar to yours. And yet I would advise caution. Your husband isn't abusive in a strict sense of the word. Yes he spent the savings. However I can imagine he will be to his doctor quickly for a medical opinion that this out of character behaviour was caused by his depression. And lots of people will say that Internet is educational. It's not a crime to let children watch lots of TV either. The fact that he put the children in childcare while you were away could be looked as he is aware of his limitations and knows when he needs to seek help. You see how suddenly things could be seen in a very different light. I am not a lawyer however I do have a few close divorced friends. You work very long hours, you pay for special provision for your child, you have downsized, you are going further in debt and yet he won't or can't get a job. I would suggest seriously consider cutting your hours to full-time only and letting everything slide to the point you're evicted for rent non-payment. Then throw your arms in the air and watch the space. I tried a similar approach when my husband kept saying I don't do anything around the house. A week later the sink was full of dishes, every pot and pan was dirty and we were eating out of paper plates with plastic disposable cutlery. I was careful to avoid arguments, just stuck to my line that since I don't do anything around the house anyway my inaction shouldn't matter. My husband hasn't made this comment in 10 years since

Is he aware you are likely to be inheriting some money?

OP could ask her mum to make her children the beneficiary of her mum's inheritance

Her mother died recently so that might be a bit difficult……

Apologies I missed it

It's OP's dad who is still alive. I just got mixed up

Leaving money to children when one of the parents is dodgy can have issues in itself. The parent can apply for funds ‘to benefit the child’ even if this also benefits the parent (e.g. for housing expenses)

OP's dad is currently in good health, thankfully. It might still be worth making a will in favour of the children. They won't be children forever so the husband's claim for the financial support would be time limited in the case of Grandad's untimely death. However it would be a shame if the husband was to walk away with half of the inheritance. It's obviously between OP and her dad

The tears are just a ploy to keep you stuck.

Assuming the mother is resident in the UK then I would take UK legal advice on the inheritance. I believe that great emphasis at divorce is placed on the extent to which any inheritance is commingled with shared funds. So do not pay it into a joint account, do not pay off any mortgage and take legal advice.

But your kids are older primary age - how bad can the worst divorce case be? How can you pay maintenance you don't have?

That sounds sensible from the lawyer.

And what happens if you escalate moving to the U.K. and say if he’s going to look for a job to look there? Obviously he won’t look there are either, but what’s his general attitude about moving there?

It's not all about the maintenance. It's also about the fact that the husband could be awarded most of the custody. OP is hardly at home these days, working 60-70 hours a week. Then there will be her first Christmas as a divorced woman. The more I think about this situation the more I believe she should just give both her husband and her work one month notice and then cut her hours to 40 a week or whatever is considered full-time in Australia. Once the family are out in the street for non-payment of rent, his family might well start seeing her husband's plight in a different light.

Not necessarily similar yo what he has now but potentially equivalent to what you can offer the children. So move out. Down size. Stop paying his bills. Until you divorce him you aren’t under any kind of court order. If he initiates divorce and demands you support him you will not be ordered to provide him with a house but potentially could be asked to help him rent an apartment for the kids. But if you don’t initiate a divorce or “lose” your job you will not be subject to an assessment based on your income.

I've been thinking about you op, your position is one of the most difficult I've read on mumsnet.
I was wondering if your dad and sister might be able to support you for six months, sort of an advance on your inheritance - paying for your rent if you leave your job, then your husband. I can't think of any other way - obviously they can't give you one large sum to put in the bank as he'd then be entitled to some of it. Perhaps they could get a wise/starling account set up and you could have a second debit card on that account.

Jesus's H Christmas there must be a 100 posts stating SHE CANT LEAVE AYSTRALIA WITH HER CHILDREN

expat divorced abroad here. which country are you living in? as divorce law (and how it is executed) is VERY different in each country.

Attorney is correct you cannot move. Your SBTX can say it is kidnapping and can press charges.

Depending on the country you live, the judge can order him to work if he seems able bodied. Oh I see it is in AUS.

Your best option is to file for separation and divorce, and ask the judge to order him back to work. Of course he may fight for 50% custody or more so that he does not have to pay you. The judge will more than likely order him to work if he is not officially written off as disabled. He cannot ask for an alimony payment from you if he is able to work.

Divorce while living abroad is really hard. It took me 7 years in court. And enforcing the order has been a nightmare.

I agree. This behaviour has been reinforced in him because it works! It shuts op down and allows him to get what he wants; a nice cushy easy life at your expense and your detriment op.

Your assumption is incorrect. Why post when you can't even be arsed to read ops original post?