Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Just a note on the UK posituon from lived experience. Where a man haz bot worked but haz been gome with the children then it is likely that zome spousal maintenance will be required altgoufg this will be for a limited period perhaps three or four years.

You are rude. Please read the thread properly. The OP is in Aus. Her mother died in the UK therefore UK legal advice is required

Thank you so much for your kindness. I am doing ok, my dad has sent me some money and I am selling some jewellery and I will be ok. I was just having an extremely stressful month trying to make ends meet and then losing my mum was the last straw. I really appreciate everyone’s support. X

If you move out and take the DC with you and continue to pay for childcare I can't see how he can claim to be a SAHP.

It's clear you can't subsidise him forever so better to take the hit now?

If your family are able to help out it would be really helpful.

It's shocking that you're having to sell more assets to make ends meet while he sits there fannying around watching TV all day. He should feel ashamed of himself.

If you say you're due an inheritance soon, I'd very much push forward with a solicitors meeting to determine what sort of alimony you could be expecting to pay and for how long. I would be pushing for as short a time as possible to allow him/force him to get back on his own two feet.

It's not what your inheritance should be for, but if you can get away from him it will be money well spent. There then also won't be many assets left to split in terms of a divorce, although in the UK I believe inherited money is not considered a marital asset. Not sure if it's the same in Aus (or if it's relevant because the inheritance is from the UK?)

More questions to ask the solicitor perhaps.

Underbm the Hague convention the children can be sent back to Australia, you could apply to the court to allow the children to go with you to the UK without father's permission

Had a friend with a daughter in NZ who was in exactly the same position. My friend only found out about the situation when she visited daughter and family in NZ. They set everything up and told the husband they were going shopping one day but went to the airport with nothing but what they stood up in. Bought what they needed for the journey at the airport shop and got on the plane.

Surely any potential alimony would only be calculated once the children were factored in. They can’t make you pay money out that you don’t have? Or am I missing something.

Could your father come out to Oz and rent a place for you and the kids to move into, thus leaving ‘DH’ in the current home. That would give you the space to leave him, start divorce proceedings and start again.

She was extremely lucky to get away with that. NZ is one of the stricter countries in regard to the Hague convention. If the SIL had done anything to challenge the children’s removal, the children would have been returned and there is every chance your friend’s daughter would have lost custody.

It’s not a risk most parents are willing to take.

Edited to say: I hope this was some years ago and your friend’s daughter has a residence order in her favour - otherwise the above could be happening at the moment.

I was thinking exactly the same! I would try and visit family in the UK and just never go back. Get your ducks in a row beforehand and find yourself a job in the UK and somewhere to live and just never go back. His laziness is likely going to work in your favour as I’m pretty sure he won’t do anything about it.

She can't come to UK and get a job. It would mean leaving her children and she's not prepared to do that.

Don't suggest things that are totally unrealistic.

Though he might put them on a plane to the UK himself if actually required to look after them.

Bearing in mind he’d be getting child support, my guess is he’d either rope in female family members or find a new woman to do the child care with a story of how his dreadful career-woman wife abandoned her own children (the classic ‘nanny with a fanny’ that this sort of man seems to go for).

@DeepViper you are in a game of chess with a deranged cocklodger but your thinking and acting pattern is as of you are dealing with someone reasonable.

you need to flip everything on its head.

First, make your home uncomfortable for him.
The TV needs to be sold asap, as money is tight. No more cooking for him, no more laundry. No more sleeping in your bed, he can sleep on the sofa.

Next, invest in the best lawyer you can afford. You don't need advice of whats the worst thing that can happen, you need a lawyer that is pitch you a strategy of how to defeat the worst thing that can happen.

consider having a 'nervous breakdown' and stop working. just drop the rope. completely.
pay your lawyers retainer before you do this.

see, at the moment you are such a sweet ride for him. a money producing nanny chef who washes his pants. you need to become an uncomfortable source of agony who he is dreading with no more money.

you are smarter and stronger than him. Use your wit!

She doesn't need UK legal advice. Perhaps your reading is as poor as your writing hence you're not able to follow.

As I think I have already said the mother is in the UK. I will not be replying further.

You should check this with the lawyer, but is it possible to give notice on the current property, and move yourself and the two children into another, cheaper rental in just your name? He won't be able to continue in the other property, and either has to get a job, or apply for unemployment benefits. Probably have to move in with his mum as well. Given the children are both school age, it is unlikely he could be awarded spousal maintenance, as in Australia, it is expected that any parent on benefits should be able to work once their children are in school.

I'd tell him to take his tears and shove it up his arse!

She isn't, she's in Australia

Separate in Australia. At least then you are no longer liable for his expenditure. You can come back to the U.K. worse case for school holidays and then move back as soon as the children can make their wishes known to the courts..

How are you doing OP? Have you managed to move forward at all? I hope you are ok.

Just saw this post you really need to leave this lazy man should be providing for his children