Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

This is what terrifies me. He seems happy to let me work all the hours under the sun while he retires, with no care in the world. I have to get out.

I have looked this up and you can make an application to court to get his consent to take them to the UK. It might be worth looking into particularly as he is not fulfilling his parental responsibility to provide for his children. It might give him the kick up the bum to get a job he needs so you can separate.

If you can barely manage to keep yourselves going then why would you be expected to pay him alimony?

Yes this. I'm not familiar with the Australian system but in the UK you'd have to be earning at least £150k in order to have to pay spousal support. It doesn't sound as though you earn that much though and obviously you can't pay what you don't have.

How much did your solicitor say that you might be expected to pay?

His family can take him in

Get divorced take it from there

thank you. they're in Australia. I think it seems so simple in black and white when I read your reply like this and it's so true. I have been feeling guilty about potentially breaking up the family and taking kids away from their dad but I am absolutely done with this nonsense. Christmas was the last straw.

She didn't give an amount and said the courts would make a judgement if it goes that far. She advised me to help him get a job as my best bet. I tried - have introduced him to several people, helped with his CV, etc, but to no avail.

It will only get worse the longer you leave it. He has earning capability unless disabled so get divorced and let him argue why he’s not working. He will have to prove that he has no earning capacity as opposed to being a lazy oaf.

Act now before his age becomes an issue

this is a good point, my lawyer just warned this is what might happen. I suppose I need to go ahead and try. I had given him the benefit of the doubt and kept hoping he's going to wake up and get a job. But 3 years in, I am starting to realise it's not going to happen.

Leave! That’s what you do, why are you even facilitating this after 3 years?! Just move back to the UK sod the consent, deal with that later…….

I think you need to treat splitting from him and moving back to the UK as two different issues. Trying to do them both together might make both difficult. You need proper legal advice exploring all your options.

You also need to consider if he suddenly got a job and was able to contribute fully would you actually want to be married to him.

It isn't as easy as to say just take the kids. He could get them returned and then the OP may never get unsupervised custody again or depending on laws, may not be allowed back into Australia. There have been cases on here like that.

If you cannot agree, you can ask the Court to make parenting orders, including:

• if you want to relocate with a child, asking the Court for an order which allows you to do so or
• if you want to stop the other party from relocating with a child, asking the Court to make an order prohibiting the other party from relocating the child's residence outside of a certain area (for example, that the child's residence is not to be further than 30 kilometres from the child's current school, or that the child's residence is to be within a specific metropolitan area).

For more information about parenting orders see We cannot agree. If you relocate your child's residence without the consent of the other party, and without a court order allowing the relocation (known as 'unilateral relocation'), a court may require you to return with the child until the case has reached an outcome. If there is a court order in place, and your unilateral relocation means that the Court order cannot be followed, you will be contravening (breaching) the order. Contravening an order can have serious consequences, including imprisonment in extreme cases, see Compliance and enforcement. If your child is missing or has not been returned,

On another note my partner is a builder and so often through winter has periods of little or no work…….it absolutely stresses him out day in day out but he would never just be comfortable with the situation and is constantly picking up odd jobs, the fact he has been sat there for 3 years with nothing shows he is quite comfortable doing absolutely nothing and has no plans to change that anytime soon…….to add as well my partner will help with childcare and washing, mostly always cooks and cleans the kitchen when he has no work on……..

You should indeed move back to the UK, but I think a few posters here are blissfully unaware of the family courts and that useless fathers have many rights.

Please don’t give the OP advice if you don’t understand the details of the situation. It would be great if OP could just put her children on a flight to the UK and that’s that, but she would be setting herself up for more stress and anguish by doing so.

Ask your solicitor about a court order to relocate - no one can force you to stay. If he is not being a parent or a bread winner what is his purpose? He can’t live off you indefinitely and needs to get off his backside and get a job. Unless he has compelling health issues he will have to produce copious records of all his applications and rejections etc

Any spouse maintenance will be for a very short period surely to let him get a job but he would have to be actively searching, going for interviews and making an effort. But you have a lawyer check with them we are only speculating lay people

Yes, the Hague Convention applies and you can't take the children away from the country of habitual residence without his consent or a court order. (Some people get away with it if the other parent doesn't bother with a legal challenge, but if he's likely to challenge it, he has the law on his side).

You need to follow legal advice. You may be able to get a court order to move with the children - if he's there as a trailing spouse and you leave, then potentially he doesn't have the right to remain in the country without you anyway, so the court couldn't insist that the children have to stay there. This will come down to the specifics of visas and local laws, so you need the right local legal advice.

capacity to pay.
The Court considers the following about both of you:

• your age and health
• your income, property, and financial resources
• your ability to work
• what is a suitable standard of living, and
• if the marriage has affected your ability to earn an income.

The Court also takes into account with whom the children (under 18 years of age or adult children who are disabled) live. See sections 75 (in relation to marriages) and 90SF (in relation to de facto relationships) of the Family Law Act 1975.

She could be arrested for child abduction and the children returned to Australia.

Op I think you need to give him an ultimatum then ask him to leave if he doesn't step up.

Interestingly as a never married single mum I have noticed that you would get hugely different responses if the sexes were reversed. I don't agree in either case with one party not contributing

See a different lawyer that sounds batshit.

Tell him he needs to get a job or leave. If he cant motivate himself to get a job he is not likely to bother with court process. If he does how can you pay alimony you cannot afford to a person who refuses to work.

Section 75(2) of the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) sets out numerous factors that may be taken into account by the Court in property settlements when determining whether there are any special circumstances that require adjustment to the property settlement amount.
The factors are:

• The age and state of health of each of the parties Income, property, finances and ability to earn an income.
• Whether either party has the care or control of a child of the marriage who is under 18.
• Commitments relating to support of themselves, a dependent or other person.
• Eligibility for a pension, allowance or benefit.
• Whether the parties have separated or divorced.
• The extent to which payment of maintenance could enable further education and therefore increase one of the parties earning capacity.
• The effect of any proposed order on the ability of a creditor of a party to recover a creditor’s debt.
• The extent to which one party has contributed to the income, earning capacity, property and financial resources of the other party.
• How the length of the marriage affected the earning capacity of the party seeking maintenance.
• The need to protect a party who wishes to continue their role as a parent.
• Financial circumstances of any current cohabitation by either party.
• Orders made under Section 79 of the Family Law Act, if any. This section regulates how assets are to be divided.
• Any child support that one of the parties is liable for.
• Any fact or circumstance which the court feels needs to be taken into account for reasons of justice.
• The terms of any financial agreementbinding on the parties to the marriage.

What Do They Mean for You? If you are going through a separation, it is important to understand what these factors mean for you. These factors are important for the court’s consideration and assessment of what each party’s ‘future needs’ are likely to be. This requires the court to anticipate what each party’s life is likely to look like in the future and award a percentage uplift to the party with the greater ‘need’. As seen above, there are many factors that the court will take into consideration when deciding who gets what portion of the assets. It is therefore important to understand that property settlements can become quite complex.

Can you start having your salary paid into a bank account with only your name on it? Cancel credit cards he uses? So he has to work if he wants anything but the bare minimum of food and clothing from you? This would mean you would have to food shop but it sounds as if you do that anyway. Cancel Netflix, change the password on the router. At least then you would be able to control where your money goes

(you must try to track where the money you thought you had went, so you can evidence the need for this process if a court should ask. )

I'm pretty sure you can get a legal separation, which would mean you live separately and he has to pay for himself, as an interim step before getting a divorce. This means that you could force him to get a job or move in with his mum or whatever, and be rid - without triggering the spousal maintenance obligations.

Plan would be to legally separate for a long period of time - like a year - and hope that he then gets a job. Deal with the move back to the UK separately and afterwards.

Would you have to pay him anything if you and the kids just moved out?

I would. Take the kids and move into your own place. Life would be easier without the man child who is causing you extra work and stress.

I'd also claim child support from him since the kids are with you!