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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Earrings found and they aren’t mine! WWYD?

209 replies

Strugglingmama1 · 31/01/2025 09:46

In brief, I found a pair of earrings behind my air fryer when I was cleaning and they aren’t mine. I’ve asked all my children and they are adamant they aren’t theirs and haven’t seen them.

my husband works away. I’m a SAHM so always here.

If this was you, what would you be thinking? Because my mind is in a mess

Thanks!

OP posts:
Flozle · 02/02/2025 16:01

kellygoeswest · 31/01/2025 13:51

This is purely anecdotal but I had a colleague many years ago who was seeing a guy who kept promising he was "about" to end his relationship to be with her. Eventually she got fed up and decided to "speed up the process" by purposely hiding evidence that she'd been their for his partner to find (kirby grips, hairbands, a necklace etc).

I'm not saying this is happening in your situation since we don't have all the information and we don't know the nuances of your relationship but it's not a complete impossibility.

Entirely derailing the thread (and apologies if this has already been answered - menopausal brain will forget if I RTFT) but did it work? Did he leave his wife?

kellygoeswest · 03/02/2025 10:34

Flozle · 02/02/2025 16:01

Entirely derailing the thread (and apologies if this has already been answered - menopausal brain will forget if I RTFT) but did it work? Did he leave his wife?

Show quote history

His wife found out about the cheating but stayed with him, he cut things off abruptly with my colleague who was devastated. Not sure the wife ever found out who the other woman was, or that it had been an ongoing affair, just that there had been someone around.

This was around a decade ago so hopefully his wife has left him by now because I doubt that was the only "fling" he had during their marriage!

SollySuffolk · 03/02/2025 11:52

NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 31/01/2025 11:09

Well, I’m M47 and single and I found a hair bobble in my bed the other week, it certainly isn’t mine, no one else has access to my house/bedroom and I have no idea in the world of how it got there…. Strange things do happen.

Do you have a cat? they bring gifts!

Original poster
Strugglingmama1 · 06/02/2025 12:10

I asked at the weekend and his first reaction was “what earrings” and then said he didn’t know where they were from. I asked if they could have been his mums and he said no. He joked that they were his and it just ended there really. So the kids are still adamant they have no clue and neither am I and now I will never know 😂

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 06/02/2025 13:20

SollySuffolk · 03/02/2025 11:52

Do you have a cat? they bring gifts!

Show quote history

More usually half eaten birds or frogs...not earings.😃

BiscuitsBooks · 06/02/2025 19:58

Strugglingmama1 · 06/02/2025 12:10

I asked at the weekend and his first reaction was “what earrings” and then said he didn’t know where they were from. I asked if they could have been his mums and he said no. He joked that they were his and it just ended there really. So the kids are still adamant they have no clue and neither am I and now I will never know 😂

So he's using humour in his response? You obviously know him better than anyone of us here - do you think humour would be his normal go-to when presented with an inexplicable event like this? I would expect most people to respond with 'wow, that's so weird' or similar, when items inexplicably show up in their house. But everyone's different of course. I do believe that some people use humour to deflect. I wonder if he knows exactly how those earrings got there.
Any chance of a photo of said earrings?

Freshflower · 06/02/2025 21:23

Could your husband have put them there as a way to make you suspicious or play games? You said he's been manipulative and playing the victim when you tried to leave. You said you are scared and don't have sex with him , obviously your choice not to. Is he trying to make you think he's been with someone?

Original poster
Strugglingmama1 · 07/02/2025 00:03

Freshflower · 06/02/2025 21:23

Could your husband have put them there as a way to make you suspicious or play games? You said he's been manipulative and playing the victim when you tried to leave. You said you are scared and don't have sex with him , obviously your choice not to. Is he trying to make you think he's been with someone?

This isn’t his style, I don’t think he would want me to suspect anything. Honestly I just don’t know anymore. He seems sheepish but that’s probably me imagining it

OP posts:
Banyon · 07/02/2025 11:53

In year 7, DD had a friend who was learning some sort of “witchcraft” online. During sleepover, she introduced DD to her magic which included leaving items around our house. Including inexpensive jewelry items (shoplifted) like earrings … behind furniture.

I was livid that this weird child introducing daughter to ridiculous ideas putting spells on other students and theft. They were not positive spells, all bad things.

Maybe there is one of these witch people visiting your home.

Original poster
Strugglingmama1 · 07/02/2025 15:07

Banyon · 07/02/2025 11:53

In year 7, DD had a friend who was learning some sort of “witchcraft” online. During sleepover, she introduced DD to her magic which included leaving items around our house. Including inexpensive jewelry items (shoplifted) like earrings … behind furniture.

I was livid that this weird child introducing daughter to ridiculous ideas putting spells on other students and theft. They were not positive spells, all bad things.

Maybe there is one of these witch people visiting your home.

At this stage I’m 100% getting behind this theory 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglingmama1 · 16/02/2025 11:29

BlackStrayCat · 31/01/2025 21:32

It is this. Classic, narcissitic gaslghting act. My hideous domestically abusive (proved in court) ExH did it. But with underwear.
DDs toys went missing.
Other random things appeared.

He doesnt want a divorce but he wants to make you crazy, insecure, controlled.

Hence where you would find them. Behind the airfryer.

As soon as I read your update it clicked instantly.

Show quote history

I hope you see this!

the responses to this thread have helped me to realise how bad things are. And and as a result I’ve started to distance myself and it has escalated his poor behaviour.

ONE thing on the back of the earring scenario. This morning he came in from the kitchen with a coffee for me and had my bank card which he said he found in the top of the bin.

I KNOW my card was safely tucked away in my purse the last time I saw it. I haven’t used the card in ages as I use my phone in the shops. The kids 100000% haven’t taken it out. Also my purse was by the sink last night and this morning it’s in the window.

SO HOW DID IT END UP IN THE BIN????????

And there’s more.

There is a carpet runner that has been by the bins since before Christmas. Yesterday it was in the recycling bin. I’m not sure how long: but thought nothing of it.

until just now when he took the rubbish out and said “you know that runner that was in the garden? It’s gone”.

well I didn’t put it in the bin. I know I didn’t. I’m getting a skip tomorrow why would I put something intended for the skip in the bin?

he said he didn’t do it.

i can’t remember if I noticed the runner in the bin before he came back from working away or after. So it is making me confused whether he could have done it.

he asked me am I sure? And pretty much asked me if I was going mad.

i may be perimenopause (42yo) but these THREE incidents are nothing to do with me 😩

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 16/02/2025 11:37

@Strugglingmama1 im sorry this is the situation you find yourself in. It does sound like he is escalating his behaviour to make you doubt yourself and seem unstable. This is not a healthy way to live and has the potential to get so much worse. I know you said you tried to leave once before but he made it very difficult and became nasty. Perhaps now is the time to start planning your exit, working out logistics, finances, legal advice etc.

Original poster
Strugglingmama1 · 16/02/2025 11:42

I’m terrified but you are right. The only real issue is my one daughter has her GCSEs in may/june. I don’t want to wreck them for her as she needs to get into college.

OP posts:
BiscuitsBooks · 16/02/2025 11:49

You are going to have to be hyper-vigilant from now on unfortunately, that will be exhausting for you. Sorry you're experiencing this.

Original poster
Strugglingmama1 · 16/02/2025 11:58

Thank you, it’s nothing new. I will be off here a few
days as he is home.

OP posts:
cinnamonbunfight · 16/02/2025 12:01

Strugglingmama1 · 16/02/2025 11:42

I’m terrified but you are right. The only real issue is my one daughter has her GCSEs in may/june. I don’t want to wreck them for her as she needs to get into college.

There’s time to do something now, before her exams come around. Living in this atmosphere won’t be helping her either.

ThreeLocusts · 16/02/2025 12:11

Good luck OP and keep your wits about you. You're not the crazy one here. Whether before or after your DD's GCSEs, I hope the separation works out well for you.

TiggyTomCat · 16/02/2025 12:44

The good thing is that you are on to this. You know it's mind games he's likely playing, You have got this and you are not going mad. Hold that thought and just not let him see it is getting to you. Stay calm and go with the flow and in the mean time use the next few months to just get your ducks in a row for when your daughter finishes her exams.

DeepFatFried · 16/02/2025 12:45

Your Dd is starting the key approach to her exams.

I would keep very calm and de-escalate stuff while preparing a longer term plan. Shrug when things happen, say 'ha - poltergeist' and change the subject.

If you can find a way to let him know that supporting your Dd is the priority right now, without him kicking off, then do so. Maybe as a separate discussion just mention a few things you are going to do to make sure she has the best chance.

But meanwhile look at all your options. Work out your finances, maybe even see a solicitor.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/02/2025 12:59

You call him Babe? Odd, in your circumstances.

PabloTescobar · 16/02/2025 13:57

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/02/2025 12:59

You call him Babe? Odd, in your circumstances.

Truly relevant. Are you trying to goad the OP into a defensive reaction?

WillIEverBeOk · 16/02/2025 14:51

Never ever ever, ever EVER be with a man that 'works away'. It 100% NEVER works out well. 'working away' is ok if you're a single bachelor, but a man with a wife and family 'working away' is 1000,00000% a red flag. When a man settles down and has a family? He needs to get a real PROPER job where he doesn't 'work away'. I've come across men, a couple of them married, who 'work away'. 100%, affairs. It is NEVER conducive to family time. Never. Ever. They either get a real proper actual job where they work, or its o.v.e.r. That's how it should be. As soon as you said 'works away', well, I knew how this thread would turn out. Throw him out. Chuck him in the gutter. Never ever ever ever EVER get with a man that can't get a real actual proper job where he lives without 'working away'. 100 million times, it will always end in tears.

And I really don't care what some simpering women will come back at me with. If your man can't hold down a proper actual real job where you live? Ditch him. He's not worth it. Because nothing will ever and I mean ever good will come from a man who 'works away'. I won't even indulge any arguments from anyone on this.

blueshoes · 16/02/2025 15:12

Sounds like he is gaslighting you in the classic sense in which the phrase originated. It is abusive.

Seeing there is a lot of bin and kitchen action, could you discreetly put a motion-sensor camera in the kitchen to monitor that area. There are many on Amazon that work on wifi.

Zippedydodah · 16/02/2025 16:06

WillIEverBeOk · 16/02/2025 14:51

Never ever ever, ever EVER be with a man that 'works away'. It 100% NEVER works out well. 'working away' is ok if you're a single bachelor, but a man with a wife and family 'working away' is 1000,00000% a red flag. When a man settles down and has a family? He needs to get a real PROPER job where he doesn't 'work away'. I've come across men, a couple of them married, who 'work away'. 100%, affairs. It is NEVER conducive to family time. Never. Ever. They either get a real proper actual job where they work, or its o.v.e.r. That's how it should be. As soon as you said 'works away', well, I knew how this thread would turn out. Throw him out. Chuck him in the gutter. Never ever ever ever EVER get with a man that can't get a real actual proper job where he lives without 'working away'. 100 million times, it will always end in tears.

And I really don't care what some simpering women will come back at me with. If your man can't hold down a proper actual real job where you live? Ditch him. He's not worth it. Because nothing will ever and I mean ever good will come from a man who 'works away'. I won't even indulge any arguments from anyone on this.

Edited

Bullshit.
Plenty of men, and woman, have jobs with regular shifts away- oil workers, flight crew, nurses- I did 96 hour stints as a nurse at a boarding school.

chargeitup · 16/02/2025 19:03

WillIEverBeOk · 16/02/2025 14:51

Never ever ever, ever EVER be with a man that 'works away'. It 100% NEVER works out well. 'working away' is ok if you're a single bachelor, but a man with a wife and family 'working away' is 1000,00000% a red flag. When a man settles down and has a family? He needs to get a real PROPER job where he doesn't 'work away'. I've come across men, a couple of them married, who 'work away'. 100%, affairs. It is NEVER conducive to family time. Never. Ever. They either get a real proper actual job where they work, or its o.v.e.r. That's how it should be. As soon as you said 'works away', well, I knew how this thread would turn out. Throw him out. Chuck him in the gutter. Never ever ever ever EVER get with a man that can't get a real actual proper job where he lives without 'working away'. 100 million times, it will always end in tears.

And I really don't care what some simpering women will come back at me with. If your man can't hold down a proper actual real job where you live? Ditch him. He's not worth it. Because nothing will ever and I mean ever good will come from a man who 'works away'. I won't even indulge any arguments from anyone on this.

Edited

A real proper job? Are you ok? There are many real proper jobs that involve working away for both men and women.

Millions of people travel for work and they don't ALL have affairs.