Leaving tonight after 8 years of DV

[BannaBanna1]

Cannot believe I am doing this. Never did I think I would get to this point, where I would be making actual moves.

Told work, manager was lovely.
Sorted out a a few nights stay at a friend's.
Hoping to pack essentials when he goes to work.

I am shivering and shaking as I write this.
Please help me get through this

Hello, my mum was a professional woman like you and also had an abusive husband. I remember going to a horrible hostel too, and it was grim. Seeing mum so stressed was grim too. She stuck it out and our lives improved massively. It took a long time to not be scared, as a child I had alot of suppressed anger to get through too. It wasn't easy for any of us to begin with but her bravery changed my life. She came across so many unhelpful people but she kept fighting, more so than any person should have to. Im so sorry you are going through this and i wish you all the strength to find your happy life on the other side xx

I can't see any benefit in you going back. What will it achieve? You'll be apart from your children, whatever the outcome.

You know that feeling, that noone is supporting you, that you can't rely on anyone? You feel like that as an adult who has agency (and I feel for you). Your children don't have agency, they literally rely on 100% to make the right decisions for them. Please make the right decisions for them. And that means not going back to that man.

Your children might miss him. They might say they want to go back. But they don't know the full story. They don't know the damage he's already doing to them. They don't know that things will only get worse if you go back. They don't know any different to living with him. They don't know they could be so much happier if they didn't have to live in that damaging atmosphere.

Your children will be more damaged to ongoing exposure to domestic abuse than they will by their parents separating. Of course it won’t always be easy but it will be worth it. It’s also completely unsurprising he’s on his best behaviour as that’s the cycle of abuse (google it). He’ll be trying to manoeuvre you in to a honey moon phase where you believe he will change etc. I’m sure he’s done that before and not changed. The very fact he’s text saying he needs you also says volumes. What about the needs of you and the kids? When was he thinking about that?

He doesn't need you.

He wants you home because, guess what, he has no one at the moment that he can abuse, so he claims he needs you home.

Please don't go home.

Yes it is tough - unbelievably tough right now - but if you go back he'll know he has you right where he wants you and any possibility of you ever leaving him or him leaving you goes poof! in the wind.

If the person who is looking after your case at the moment isn't up to the job, ask to speak with their supervisor. Keep moving up the chain until there is no one else to talk with and you're speaking with the person who makes the decisions and can help you without you having to move up north. Even if you did have to move up north or west or wherever, you would make a new support network with people who are there to help you.

You are being so strong right now and your kids need to see that you will follow this through, for them.

You stay strong

This is what I did in your shoes

I blocked the bastard

I stayed well away

Got good legal advice

And followed the sensible people on here too as they gave great tips
When I felt weak I read over my threads

You can do this

Think of the happy life ahead of you

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

What if

you return to the house / him without the children

and he kills you

your children whom you are doing all this for will have no parents to look after them / care for them

who will have your children ?

will they then be taken monthly to visit their father in prison

@BannaBanna1

Serious question; what do you hope to gain by going back on your own? You already know he'll lie. Lie, lie, lie about how he'll 'change', how he's seen the 'error of his ways' etc. But you have seen and heard all that before, many times. Why do you think this time will be any different?

Read @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon 's post. You need to understand that you could be in extreme danger if you allow yourself to be alone with him. Violent men who have been 'thwarted' become even more violent.

I understand your guilt about DS7. But that guilt is misplaced. Your separation is better for the children because once you get over this 'hump' you will be providing them with a stable, calm, nonviolent, peaceful home. That is what they need to see, what they need to model. Not a home full of abuse and violence. Because as the old saying goes "Children learn what they live" and right now what your DS will learn is that violence against a woman is acceptable, because you willingly returned to it. In his mind, you will be admitting you were wrong to leave a violent man. Your DD will learn that she should expect to be hit or pushed because that's 'normal' in a relationship.

You are thinking 'in the moment' when you need to be thinking 'in the future'. Again, the time will come when this will be a blip on your life's radar. Stick it out, see if you can get counseling for your DS so he can truly explore his feelings in a safe environment and learn that sometimes we cannot be around people we love, but that the time will come when he will be able to see his dad, once you are all safe and resettled.

Please, please do NOT go see this man!

The children will be picking up on your emotions . If mums ok they will be ok .
They need you to lead and let then know everything will be ok.

If you must let your dc use your phone out airplane mode on befroe hand but if he is just looking or his own back to find out info then van the phone use .

When I get the Non mol, can I return back to the family home? Even though he's a joint owner. I understand that the occupation order would allow me to stay in the house with the children.

From what i understand, the non mol is served without them knowing. However, once he does become aware of this , he will most likely get rid of my belongings that are in the house out of spite. Before the occupation order is granted

Therefore can I go back to the house once I've got the non mol and if he tries to enter the house or area whilst im there he's breaching the terms?

Ive been battling with myself every day about going back to the house, everytime I've got close to going i get a reality check from someone.

You can arrange for the police to assist you to recover your belongings. Most men in this position do not like the implication that they are a problem and back down.

Nevertheless you should not go to that house alone to secure your belongings. Non mols can be a point of danger for women.

Was just going to say this. Highly recommend asking for police assistance to collect your possessions. And then if you do go back further down the line see if you have a Bobby van service with the police. They can come out and check your home is secure and safe etc.

I went back to the house while the children were at school and nursery. I parked far and walked up, his car was outside. I put my key in and it wouldn't go in. He's changed the locks and installed cameras. It's the family home, it's the children's home!

I called the police to tell them I've been locked out the house and all I wanted to was to collect more of the children's belongings.

They told me that I should not have gone I should have got a family member! (Put my family at risk, the people who he said he'd kill and run over). I was even made to feel like I was the criminal! If he's so bad why did you go

Should anything happen to me, I want it to be known that I've been failed by the police, children's services, school, nursery, refuge and all the other agencies that I've repetedly reached out to.
I'm done

No you stay strong

You get legal advice now

You must not put yourself at risk this is the most dangerous time when a female has left with the kids

He is obviously a very dangerous man

Please stay strong for your children. You will be happy again, this is the toughest time.

@BannaBanna1

You know, the fact that you couldn't get it may have saved you from God knows what. You don't need to be anywhere near that man, and especially not alone.

I know you want to collect your things. But unless you have some extremely expensive or irreplaceable items, remember that 'stuff' is just 'stuff' and you can always get more stuff. My BFF told me this after she walked out with her 2 yr old and the clothes on their backs. He destroyed their belongings, including her grandmother's china and their child's furniture but in the end she was safe and she was free. And she did get more 'stuff'. In time she said her new stuff was better because it wasn't 'tainted' with memories of her ex.

Now you know you can't simply go back because he has changed the locks. So make plans for the future. See a solicitor about collecting your belongings and the best way to do that safely. Legally he is not allowed to change the locks on a jointly owned home. But considering his past violence, you aren't the one to challenge that. Let a solicitor or the courts do that on your behalf.

Why do you keep going back? It's like you're behaving like a moth to a flame here.
As others have posted, stuff is just that, stuff. Your kids will get new duvets and new beds and new things that they can form attachments to. The most important of those things that they have attachments to though is YOU!!!!

You shouldn't have tried to enter the house alone.
You shouldn't have tried to enter the house when you saw his car was there.

I'm going to be completely honest with you here and this is going to be some tough love (I'm 100% behind you whether you believe me or not) - when you write that if something were to happen to you and it's X or Y or Z's fault because they have failed you - you are the one who is putting yourself in harms way and for what? For some stuff???

Let the agencies help you. Go back with a police escort, arrange it with them so that you're not alone and your H can't touch you.
Your kids need YOU and they need you in one piece a lot more than they need a teddy bear or whatever.

Please protect yourself 🙏

Hi @BannaBanna1 I'm sorry if this has already been said . But did you knlw you can approach any council when it's a DV situation. The council should put you into emgency accommodation. So you and the children are safe . It does not have to be a refuge.

What support are social services giving you ? The children will also be classed as victims of DV and social services should be supporting you in protecting the children and yourself.

Sometimes you have to fight for things you should not have to. That's very wrong . But your a strong person and you can do it . You have been through so much over the years. You and your children deserve so much more you fight for them and yourself.

OP I'm really sorry that you've ended up feeling stranded and abandoned when you've done what you needed to do, and what anybody working in the DV field would tell you you needed to do.

And the situation with the children is heartbreaking. They don't mean to, but they're making you feel guilty about your working to keep them safe. And you can't really adequately explain to them why you're doing this.

The police being useless is hardly surprising, but still shit. It depends on the individuals, though, maybe just call again when different people are on shift?

What you say about the implicit class prejudice - you not seeming 'wretched' enough - rings a bell. My father was abusive, but also an academic. Loads of supposed experts thought he couldn't be that bad, as if coming home from work to abuse your wife was something only factory workers did. My mother paid the price.

It's not surprising either that you feel like giving up, but please don't. Keep asking, keep demanding help. Something will give. I wish my mother had got out years earlier. Hang on in there, for your children's sake. Will be thinking of you.

Wishing you the best @BannaBanna1 🙏

Op how have you been?

Hope you are doing ok, no wonder people get defeated before they start and stay. You certainly have been failed, am so sorry and really hope that things have somehow improved since your last post.

Hey OP how are you? What’s going on now?

I know this seems insanely hard. It’s why my mum never left. But the consequences of staying or going back are far worse.

Come on, you are strong woman - you have to be to have survived DV for so long. But you are ground down and your self esteem is in tatters because of that DV. Just one small step at a time. The kids will be ok if you can be ok. Just do the next thing that is needed you don’t need to do everything all at once. If you have any family or friends then lean on them this is absolutely the time to ask for help and accept favours. You can do this, it’s an uphill struggle right now but the view at the top will be so worth it.

I hope you are safe 😔

Are you ok OP? Really hope you and your children are safe x

Hopefully she is safe.😔