Leaving tonight after 8 years of DV

[BannaBanna1]

Cannot believe I am doing this. Never did I think I would get to this point, where I would be making actual moves.

Told work, manager was lovely.
Sorted out a a few nights stay at a friend's.
Hoping to pack essentials when he goes to work.

I am shivering and shaking as I write this.
Please help me get through this

Well done! What's your plans after the race few nights at your friends? You need to apply for residency for the children urgently so he doesn't refuse to give them back when they visit him. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

This is also great advice.

Well done @BannaBanna1 , you are very strong.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Really has helped to reinforce it into my brain. I constantly question my logic I need those around me who I trust to help me see what's right. I know my brain has been conditioned to think a certain way after all these years. I want to be able to think freely again.

Normally he'd leave at 8 to take the children to school but I've not recieved a call or text from him. It's unnerving because i can't gage his mindset atm.

I need to call the school and tell them ds won't be in today otherwise they'll turn up at the house

How old are DC? You need to let the school know that you don't want him picking the DC up from school. The was an earlier post about getting a court order, can't find it to quote it but you need to get something in place so you have rights.

It can be really unnerving when you don't here from them - is he thinking well thats it they've left, or is this the calm before the storm, make sure you are surrounded by people and if anything does happen, if he becomes abusive, even over the phone, report him to the police

BannaBanna1 Well done, OP. Absolutely stay strong and do not give into him.

I don't want to worry you, but I'd go into the school and tell them what's happening and you don't want them taken out of school without your approval. Just thinking if he's quiet, is he the type to turn up and pick them up earlier.

If you get any bother from him, call the police/get legal advice.

Whatever happens though, this is the start of your new life. Hold on to the fact, there are better times ahead which you deserve.

Don’t worry about school. But do ring them and speak with senior leadership team so they know what’s going on. You don’t want STBX poisoning the situation. Protect yourself and your DC. You are doing the absolute right thing ❤️❤️❤️

Seems like his silence is ongoing abuse imo. He wants you to 'break' first. He's still trying to hold power over you.

Keep strong. You've done the hardest part.

Welcome to day one of your fabulous, free life!

OP is doing ABSOLUTELY FINE. First things first! And first thing is to protect physical integrity. Children can stand a bit of an impass in their routines, especially if it's done to protect them from a violent and unpredictable father.
She should do what she is doing, which is keep them close to protect them, of course.

@BannaBanna1 what a hero you are 🙏 I'm sending all my best wishes and prayers💚
Are you in contact with Womens Aid? You need someone who can guide you through the practicalities (like communicating with the school) while at the same time keeping you safe.

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but if there's not a judicial ressolution, a school cannot effectively ban the father from picking up the dc. This is the stage where you need to think carefully and strategically, because the law is not yet on your side (I'm assuming here that there are not court orders against him). Womens aid or similar are your most precious ressource now.

Wishing you all the best Op. Stay strong.
Hope you gave a good support system around you.

I’m sure the op is perfectly capable of deciding if her child should go to school today. Let’s not assume the child is fit to go, as they could be too distressed, that the child is close enough to go, as the op and her child might have had to flee a great distance to be safe, or that if they are still relatively close it is safe for the child to go. Leaving a domestically abusive relationship is when the risk increases dramatically, as the perpetrator has lost control and will go to great lengths to regain it. Unless you’re qualified in this field please don’t assume you know what is best. Once the op has spoken to the school and a domestic abuse charity (preferably a local one who can offer face to face support) she can get expert advice about how to navigate her next steps.

Well done OP, so glad to hear you're out. One foot in front of the other, you'll wobble but you are absolutely doing the right thing. Whatever he is thinking you can't control it, he probably knows silence will unnerve you so just keep doing what you need to do to stay safe. Come back here anytime you have a wobble, the MN army has your back.

I'm sure if you think really hard you'll think of several reasons why ds won't be in school today.
As if the OP hasn't got enough going on without you berating her.

@BannaBanna1 - there will be a lot of these games. Make your own arrangements.

He is testing you; see don't you miss me? See what I do?

And a little bit of punishment, make your life harder.

Get your own arrangements put in place.

Stay strong OP, concentrate on you and your child. Try to start thinking about your future and next moves rather than thinking about him and his moves. His moves will only be used to manipulate and control you. Good luck and well done!

so dad can grab the kids and use them as leaverage when he realises they’ve gone? I’m glad you’ve not been in a DV situation. Leaving is the most dangerous part and you have to cover all eventualities for safety.

Hope you are ok, OP. Fob school off with sickness, sore throat or suchlike. Fewer people who know what you are doing the better. You can also alert police on 101 if you wish just in case he tracks you down. Switch off locations on your phone, get it checked for tracking software. Best of luck. 💐

Do you need to be so snarky to a women who is in the process of escaping domestic violence? You clearly have no idea about domestic violence.

It doesn’t show

This was me 23 years ago. Stay strong OP. All the luck in the world.

Well done OP. I hope this is the start of a new life for you and your son. I really would put the school completely in the picture. Speak to their safeguarding officer. You don't want a situation where he goes to school and takes your son and withholds him as leverage. I've seen this happen only recently to somebody I know. I am sure you know you can get support from Women's Aid. Is there police involvement? If not, I'd also report him. You could possibly obtain an occupation order to remove him from the house. Legal advice is a must. Keep going, you're being very brave