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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving tonight after 8 years of DV

225 replies

BannaBanna1 · 30/01/2025 15:32

Cannot believe I am doing this. Never did I think I would get to this point, where I would be making actual moves.

Told work, manager was lovely.
Sorted out a a few nights stay at a friend's.
Hoping to pack essentials when he goes to work.

I am shivering and shaking as I write this.
Please help me get through this

OP posts:
NameChangedOfc · 31/01/2025 13:10

This thread is so beautiful, we're all rooting for you, @BannaBanna1 🙏 You did this 🙌

thescandalwascontained · 31/01/2025 13:24

Well done for leaving.

Ask for advice about the children going to school safely.

thrifty24 · 03/02/2025 19:15

Hello OP checking in to see how you are getting on?

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 06/02/2025 16:36

Just about surviving.
The admin side of everything is utterly overwhelming, everything is jargon to me. He keeps messaging asking to see the children, I've not replied but it's eating me up inside, i know how it feels to miss the children however it seems after a week he's remembered this. My brain is frazzled.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 06/02/2025 16:54

BannaBanna1 · 06/02/2025 16:36

Just about surviving.
The admin side of everything is utterly overwhelming, everything is jargon to me. He keeps messaging asking to see the children, I've not replied but it's eating me up inside, i know how it feels to miss the children however it seems after a week he's remembered this. My brain is frazzled.

Well done you! I would bet my house that the asking to see the kids thing is purely to mess with your head. Do not give in to it.

Sebsaloysius · 06/02/2025 17:01

Walking away must take a hell of a lot more guts than staying.

What a bloody brave thing you're doing and I'm glad you've got somewhere safe to go to at least in the short term.

Sending love and positive thoughts your way!

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 17:28

If he keeps messaging you could you reply with "Please leave me alone for the time being. I'll be in touch soon about the children. Any further communications at the moment will be considered harassment and I'll have to report it to the necessary authorities"

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/02/2025 17:42

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 17:28

If he keeps messaging you could you reply with "Please leave me alone for the time being. I'll be in touch soon about the children. Any further communications at the moment will be considered harassment and I'll have to report it to the necessary authorities"

No, I wouldn't reply at all. Silence is her most powerful weapon.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 06/02/2025 17:43

You have done it tho, you are strong and you can do it - indeed you are doing it every single day since you found the courage and strength to leave.
One day it will no longer be jargon, it will be every day language to you - everything is new once.

days turn into weeks which turn into months then into years. it will get easier and better.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 06/02/2025 17:50

Take your time. You don’t need to jump to what he wants.
Is it UC type forms you’re having trouble with? I think they’re supposed to have helplines, Citizens Advice should also be able to help and Gingerbread.

You’ve done brilliantly. It will all get easier. Stay strong 💐

Pashazade · 06/02/2025 18:47

Well done OP, hold fast, as someone else said you don't need to respond to him, put him on mute for now.

madmumofteens · 06/02/2025 21:17

The hardest part is over OP stay strong and hold fast put his messages on mute in the meantime and reach out to citizens advice for assistance x

thrifty24 · 06/02/2025 22:43

Glad you updated us, have been thinking of you. Keep going you are amazingly strong. I agree with some others, I would mute and archive his messages so you can focus on yourself and DC and not get caught up with negative back and forth which will disrupt your days and into nights

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 07/02/2025 12:47

I swear, I feel so fucking shit right like no one is helping me. It's been a week and I'm still I the same place. I'm so fucked off by the support worker in the refuge! The amount of times shes passed the buck to other boroughs is ridiculous, it's like she's putting me off going to a refuge, 'oh its a box room, you need to pay' It's been a week and shes telling me to go all the way up north when I live in the midlands! With a baby and SEN child!

I've have had enough of all of it! This was one of the reasons why I was put off leaving in the first place.i actually don't care anymore, I'm going home! I'm going to lock myself inside the house! I can do this shut anymore.

It's seems there's this stereotype of women that can use their service, vulnerable and on benefits and I don't fit that seeing that I'm a working professional. Feel so let down right now

OP posts:
nightmareXmas · 07/02/2025 12:52

OP, please don't go back home. You're not safe there and neither are your kids. There are lots of us here rooting for you. I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you deserve, but please persevere. Take the box room if you can. Anything is better than going back to a place where you will never be safe. At least take a breath, and don't do anything while you are feeling so stressed.

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 07/02/2025 13:08

It's not about it being a box room, it's not about having to pay, I'm fine with that at this moment in time. I can't cope with being so far away when I've got this support network near me. I'm going insane trying to navigate my way through all this admin crap. I'm done.

OP posts:
ThankULord · 07/02/2025 13:16

OP, hang in there.
It seems a lot right now and it is. I have been there. It does feel like you are alone. But please do not go back. I don't know your story but from how you left, I feel it was a really unsafe situation for you.

Get on the phone and speak with other support bodies.
Are there any other workers at the charity?

Give it time. Don't just take the first thing the support worker has said. Persevere. Other options will open up. Make her discuss with you.

It is really hard right now. It feels like you are alone and yes, to some extent, you are alone to be honest. No one understands your danger and suffering like you do.

What support do you have around you at the moment that you are reluctant to move away from? Can they help advocate for you? Because right now your state of mind is in turmoil. I couldn't see the wood for the trees when I was going through it.

ThankULord · 07/02/2025 13:18

Please, keep talking here. It helps with letting out some of the frustration and upset. You need that release.

Please, know, that this too will pass.

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 07/02/2025 13:37

I'm going to go back to the house and lock myself inside, not going to take the children. If he does anything I'll call the police. Running theme continously being let down, story of my life.

OP posts:
theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 07/02/2025 13:41

Who have you spoken to? Which charities?

mommyfinger · 07/02/2025 13:43

Op I don't get why you want to go home? You've done the hardest part by leaving and you should be so proud of yourself, you're such a good mother putting your kids first. Well done !!
If you go back now, it will be worse than ever, his grip on you will only become tighter and he will want to punish by you for daring to leave him and take the kids.

hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 13:48

OP I'm so worried for you

What are your plans?

There are people who can help

I have been through this

Raininginparadise2 · 07/02/2025 13:49

Please don't go back.

hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 13:50

It may seem shit now but there are ways to make it better

Do not put yourself at risk

These Fckers have so many ways to get at us

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/02/2025 14:08

Wait, why are you undoing all of your hard work?

What exactly is upsetting you?

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