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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving tonight after 8 years of DV

225 replies

BannaBanna1 · 30/01/2025 15:32

Cannot believe I am doing this. Never did I think I would get to this point, where I would be making actual moves.

Told work, manager was lovely.
Sorted out a a few nights stay at a friend's.
Hoping to pack essentials when he goes to work.

I am shivering and shaking as I write this.
Please help me get through this

OP posts:
justmadabouttheboy · 31/01/2025 09:14

Really well done @BannaBanna1 , I've been where you are and I know it feels shaky as hell at the start. His silence is just more abuse as others have said, but just think about what you and your DC need, don't spend any energy trying to work out what he's doing or why. I posted a meme on another thread "don't bother asking the snake why it bit you, just get the hell away from it" and that holds true at all stages of leaving an abuser...but having been abused it's hard to get into the new mindset of not taking their feelings/behaviour into account, that takes a while, and it takes practice.

But you have done the very hardest bit, I am so proud of you. Huge hugs xxxx

Comtesse · 31/01/2025 09:14

Eyerollexpert · 30/01/2025 20:09

We may all be strangers but we are all sisters and only by the grace of God we are not in your shoes. Feel the strength we are sending your way. May you and DC get the new life you deserve 🙏

I love this so much @Eyerollexpert, we ARE all sisters - good luck OP, we are all wishing the absolute best for you - bloody well done for making that move Flowers

IncaDove · 31/01/2025 09:18

@Inanutshell1 that needed several question and exclamation marks did it?

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/01/2025 09:20

BannaBanna1 · 31/01/2025 08:13

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Really has helped to reinforce it into my brain. I constantly question my logic I need those around me who I trust to help me see what's right. I know my brain has been conditioned to think a certain way after all these years. I want to be able to think freely again.

Normally he'd leave at 8 to take the children to school but I've not recieved a call or text from him. It's unnerving because i can't gage his mindset atm.

I need to call the school and tell them ds won't be in today otherwise they'll turn up at the house

Take the silence as him knowing why you have left , but more importantly take it that he is up to something. Sorry not to frighten you .

Stay strong. Don’t fold it will only be an act and it would be worse after you went back because you dared to leave and what you put HIM through.
If he causes any problems call the police asap

GreenYellowBrown · 31/01/2025 09:22

You’re doing so well 🙌 🙌 I experienced DV and this step is so hard so GO YOU!!!!! I also worked at a DV charity and there were some awful tales out there. One thing I noticed was people returning to their partners a few times before either leaving for good/going back 😢 BE STRONG!! Delete your partner on all socials/change your number. Do anything you can to avoid them. Don’t remember your relationship with rose tinted spectacles, they did this and this is who they are. In time, if you choose to, you can find someone who deserves to be with lovely you ♥️ ♥️

DevilledEgg · 31/01/2025 09:26

Proud of you ❤️

gottastopeatingchocolate · 31/01/2025 09:38

Do you have an IDVA? A solicitor? Support of a DV agency? There is lots of support that you and the children can access, and you will need it.

Well done for escaping!

Maurepas · 31/01/2025 09:41

Stay safe. Saw on SKY News this morning about report that the violence against women has actually increased recently - statistics given , don't remember all the numbers but think it said 1 in 4 women had experienced some form of sexual assault.

Rachelsthorns · 31/01/2025 09:43

Wishing you all the luck in the world!
Do you have support? I could not have withstood all that I have done without it. The police were so helpful and I am still with the support worker they arranged for me, who has been an absolute rock.
They arranged for a court to restrict his access to us.

First things first, though. Try to focus on your future and what you will do without worrying about what he might be up to. He's been at the forefront of your mind for too long and it's difficult to make that adjustment. Talk to whoever will help you through this and ignore those who aren't helping.
Good luck, we're all with you!

Honestandkind · 31/01/2025 09:48

Oh you have no idea how happy you'll be in a year after this. The only regret you'll have is not leaving sooner.

However, remember that the next 2 weeks are the most dangerous, so keep your guard up. ❤️

ishopthereforeiam · 31/01/2025 09:49

Well done in taking such a brave first step. There are lots of organisations that can walk you through the next steps, women's aid being one.

Sending you love and strength.

DevilledEgg · 31/01/2025 09:50

Maurepas · 31/01/2025 09:41

Stay safe. Saw on SKY News this morning about report that the violence against women has actually increased recently - statistics given , don't remember all the numbers but think it said 1 in 4 women had experienced some form of sexual assault.

I think it's likely that the reports are increasing rather than the perpetrators. I think these days there is a lot more support, advice and and advocation for victims and that's probably leading to more victims seeking help. It would be interesting to see a study investigating how many people experienced this in past decades but didn't report to see how it correlates with the present day.

OssieShowman · 31/01/2025 10:00

Can you get an AVO or whatever it’s called there, from the Police, so he is not allowed to come within certain distance of you, and cannot contact you.

ThreeLocusts · 31/01/2025 10:14

OP well done, will be keeping you in my thoughts.

It seems to me like the most important thing now is to make sure he cannot use the child(ren) to get back to you. So keeping kids out of school sounds like a good idea. And it's fine if for simplicity you just say they're ill.

I wonder though whether there's a legal way to make sure that he can't come and pick them up from school. My understanding is that the default position is that he has the right to pick them up as their parent - but isn't there something called a 'prohibited steps order' that can stop a parent in a custody dispute from obtaining control of the children?

I think you really need to speak to the police and a DV charity right now about how you can make sure your child/children can go back to school asap without any danger of the abuser thereby gaining control of them and/or access to you.

Always prioritise your safety, please. All the best.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/01/2025 10:25

Well done, really. Bloody well done. I want to cry just reading this, and how much you are doing not just to keep yourself safe, but to keep your kids safe. They will never forget what you are doing for them.

Please keep us updated when you are able. Don't ever think that you are overreacting. Trust your gut. Err on the safe side, at every point. Never worry about making a fuss - better a false alarm than no alarm when it's needed.

DrCoconut · 31/01/2025 10:31

It's nearly my 25th anniversary now. It lives with you forever but your new life awaits. Some difficult days ahead no doubt but you can do it and it's worth it. I remember one day early on being at the park with my DS and realising that I could stay as long as I liked and when I got home it would be to a calm, orderly house with no threats or interrogation, just a pleasant dinner and evening.

godmum56 · 31/01/2025 10:38

ThreeLocusts · 31/01/2025 10:14

OP well done, will be keeping you in my thoughts.

It seems to me like the most important thing now is to make sure he cannot use the child(ren) to get back to you. So keeping kids out of school sounds like a good idea. And it's fine if for simplicity you just say they're ill.

I wonder though whether there's a legal way to make sure that he can't come and pick them up from school. My understanding is that the default position is that he has the right to pick them up as their parent - but isn't there something called a 'prohibited steps order' that can stop a parent in a custody dispute from obtaining control of the children?

I think you really need to speak to the police and a DV charity right now about how you can make sure your child/children can go back to school asap without any danger of the abuser thereby gaining control of them and/or access to you.

Always prioritise your safety, please. All the best.

I think I'd be (without detail if you wish) honest with the school especially if there is any chance that he will go there and cause trouble. Even if he does go just to pick the children up, surely he will ask school where they are? Secondly when they do return they may need some support from the school and mention that they have moved and there is only mummy now. If the school are aware, they can respond appropriately.

IncaDove · 31/01/2025 11:12

godmum56 · 31/01/2025 10:38

I think I'd be (without detail if you wish) honest with the school especially if there is any chance that he will go there and cause trouble. Even if he does go just to pick the children up, surely he will ask school where they are? Secondly when they do return they may need some support from the school and mention that they have moved and there is only mummy now. If the school are aware, they can respond appropriately.

Show quote history

I would second this.

I had an amazing amount of support from my child's school when I told them what I experienced. They agreed not to let my dc leave with their dad if he ever turned up without first contacting me so I could go to the school.

Rosesanddaffs · 31/01/2025 11:12

@BannaBanna1 wishing you the very best in your new life, you will not regret this xx

MumoftwoGranofone · 31/01/2025 11:20

Well done OP, if you haven't already please seek support. Lots of information here with contact numbers and links www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help.

2catsandhappy · 31/01/2025 11:50

Well done you courageous woman!
I remember standing in the flat I moved(escaped) to, coat on, keys in hand and realising I didn't have to tell anyone what I was doing or justifying why I was going out.
A wonderful feeling. Every day is great now. I don't feel sick when the phone goes or I hear a key in the lock. Days out without a knot of dread. I visit family, have friends. Dress how I want to. Eat how I please. I can spend the money I earn on dc and I. I laugh, I have the freedom to find something funny!
I am living a life, not enduring.
You will too @BannaBanna1

Tavimama · 31/01/2025 11:58

Well done. Stay strong and make sure you have turned off all and any locations on phones and other devices. Sending hugs - you're a survivor, and will look back one day, and see that this point was when you took back control of your life, your future, and the future of your DC 🌹

Londontown12 · 31/01/2025 12:01

Be careful op !!
leaving can be a dangerous time !
im wishing u all the best in your new life of freedom !
Please don't let him worm his way back inside I’ve been watching my lover my killer(on Netflix ) and all died due to dv !
welldone stay safe ❤️❤️❤️

YeezysBeans · 31/01/2025 12:08

Well done OP!

I know from experience what a big scary step you've made but you've done it!

I agree with everyone else about staying safe, letting school know, speaking to women's aid, and logging where you are staying with the police so they can be aware as this is a dangerous time for you. Get some legal advice about his rights around school pick up, women's aid may be able to advise about getting a non-mol for example.

Don't reach out to him. Don't go back. You've got this.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/01/2025 12:11

Cheering you on OP, so incredibly brave.

And all you other posters who had the courage to leave, I have the utmost respect for you.

From the daughter of a mother who never found the strength to leave, believe me you are doing the best thing for yourself and for your children. Stay strong and don’t waver in your resolve ❤