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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving tonight after 8 years of DV

225 replies

BannaBanna1 · 30/01/2025 15:32

Cannot believe I am doing this. Never did I think I would get to this point, where I would be making actual moves.

Told work, manager was lovely.
Sorted out a a few nights stay at a friend's.
Hoping to pack essentials when he goes to work.

I am shivering and shaking as I write this.
Please help me get through this

OP posts:
Mylittlepea · 31/01/2025 04:33

You are amazing. Keep strong & try not to let his silence unnerve you, you are out of there and please don’t look back.

Many years ago my mum was the victim of several years of horrendous DV, 2nd husband, not my Dad. In the latter months, he kept her locked in the house, phone cut off, no money.
He slipped up one day when he went to work & accidentally left one of the windows unlocked. She took her chance and climbed out, escaped with just the clothes she stood in. I had no idea, horrific. He was silent at first, then got angry but by then her immediate family had her safe. He wrecked her life, an utterly despicable nasty man.

Sending love OP🌺💕💐

Iroll · 31/01/2025 05:01

You can do this! This post is inspiring. Like others have said, don't believe anything he says to you.
Have you put plans in place, if he turns up at your work ? Does he know your friends house.

I would also check your phone has no tracking on it. Turn off locations or find my phone.
I would contact national aid helpline to help advise you on things to keep you safe.

LAMPS1 · 31/01/2025 05:04

It’s a massive step you have taken to get your life back on track. You are now in shock and that’s why you are trembly. It’s entirely normal. Your body is full of adrenaline. It will pass OP, once you become accustomed to your new found freedom.
Freedom feels scary too at first. So confide in your friend and surround yourselves with understanding and care for now. And give it to yourself -and your children if you can. So good you told somebody at work.
Small steps now.
You have done so well. It was incredibly brave. And absolutely the right thing to have planned it safely as you did. What an achievement!
Lean on as much help as you can in this interim period until your new safe life takes shape. And try to keep looking forwards.
Wishing every bit of luck in the world to come your way. You really do deserve it.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 31/01/2025 05:15

This will be a wonderful story of strength to tell your children in years to come. They’ll be so proud of you. I’m proud of you and don’t know you.

Big squeeze from Yorkshire. Take a deep breath and smile because you’re escaping. Will you leave a note or anything?

Enjoy the click of the front door as it closes.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 31/01/2025 05:23

And when you’re feeling guilty pls remember how hard you’ve tried for so long.

WeveAllBeenThere · 31/01/2025 05:28

My mum was in an abusive relationship with my step dad when we were kids, and I remember he went away one weekend and we packed out stuff and left. She had it planned for months, had told the school, everything was in place, her friends helped us moved, and then we started a new life in Ireland where she was from! It wasn’t easy, but our lives turned out so much better and happier than they could have been if she stayed. She’s made the conscious decision not to accept being someone’s punchbag! Stay strong, no looking back! You’ve got this! You’re worth so much more than him!

SauvignonBlonk · 31/01/2025 06:31

OP - I’m another person who is really proud of you. Contact NCDV and the police. He’ll no doubt try to get in touch at some point, likely to threaten that he will harm himself if you don’t return. Don’t listen to him.
The future is now bright.

ThejoyofNC · 31/01/2025 06:34

Well done OP, you are incredibly brave and you will forever remember what you did yesterday. I hope this is the start of a new life for you.

SussexSam · 31/01/2025 06:36

Hello OP

My mother should have done what you have courageously done, 30 years ago.

I’m now an adult and i still have nightmares about my bullying and abusive step father. She just stood there and didn’t help as she was too scared to.

She had a duty of care and she failed. None of her children speak to her or him and haven’t for years.

You are doing the right thing and protecting yourself and your DC. 100%.

all my love x

dmboot1 · 31/01/2025 06:42

I did this 32 years ago. I had a couple of wobbles early on having been with him since 14 but I am so, so glad I left. I now have a loving husband, a grown up daughter and a happy life (I'm 59!) . I deserved more and so do you. Take care OP xxx

Caaarrrl · 31/01/2025 06:49

OP, you are so brave! Time will show you that this is the best thing you have done for you and your children. I'm a teacher and see every day the impact of DA on children who are powerless to change their lives. You have put their welfare above that of an abusive man - and your own , of course! Because you matter too! Keep strong!

Oioisavaloy27 · 31/01/2025 06:55

Well done you have done the right thing in a few years you will look back and wonder why you stayed so long.

FlamingoQueen · 31/01/2025 07:05

Well done on making this step. Hope you’re ok.

unsync · 31/01/2025 07:18

How are you this morning @BannaBanna1? Do you have support in real life? Things will feel weird and your emotions will be all over the place. That's OK though. Stay strong.

wildthingsinthenight · 31/01/2025 07:28

Proud of you OP.
How are you doing?

Inanutshell1 · 31/01/2025 07:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hollietree · 31/01/2025 07:35

You are a warrior 👑

I hope you managed to get a little sleep last night. How are you doing today? X

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 31/01/2025 07:37

My dad cut the breaks on my mums car the night we left, then he proceeded to show her a gun and followed her running out of the house. The neighbours over the road (also my godparents) were pulling out the drive, mum jumped in the car with me (aged 3) and shouted drive! I wish I couldn't remember but I do, I remember a lot of what he did to her to be honest.

We went back round with my auntie for some stuff after we new he had gone to the pub (he went every night), she never looked back after that. He was also a police officer!

Stay strong, you are amazing, there are lots of places you can go for help and I hope you have a good support network of family and friends. ❤

HurryUpSpring25 · 31/01/2025 07:39

Well done OP.

I've been there and remember those feelings all too well.

You're incredibly brave and should be proud of yourself. Your DC will be.

Hwi · 31/01/2025 07:41

Well done! Well done! Well done!

Turkeyneck101 · 31/01/2025 07:45

Hey Op hope things worked out and you got away. x

forthistimeonly · 31/01/2025 07:46

I mirror what @FatLarrysBanned posted. I was in your place five years ago and getting out was difficult but it was my only option. Luckily we weren't married, nor had children together and I had my own house so I kicked him out after a breakdown and suicide attempt.
I still didn't get rid until a councillor told me that I was in an abusive relationship. That was the wake up call that I needed after 7 years!

I reported him to the police, listing some of the things he'd done, for coercive controlling behaviour.
Two years ago, a woman contacted me through FB (I have an unusual name and she knew it as I had emailed him). He was doing the same to her but sadly she had let him move into her house.
We ended up talking on the phone and she did kick him out.
You are doing the right thing. Please ask for support from friends and family. Agencies like Women's Aid.
Great that your employer is supportive.
I send virtual strength and wishes for a happier, more peaceful life.
My friends and family tell me now that they are so happy to have me back as he made me lose contact with them all.....and I lost myself.
Don't be me. You can do this. 💐

Nonaynevernomore · 31/01/2025 07:57

LurkyMcLurkinson · 31/01/2025 03:53

You’ve been conditioned to think about his needs and feelings for so long it’s normal you’re now feeling guilty but you must hold on to all he has done that led you to where you are now. Ask yourself did he feel guilt? Unlikely if he continued to abuse you. Also if he knew he was innocent why has he not tried to contact you to check you’re ok. The silence is a sign he knows exactly why you left.

This is good advice.

I wish you luck and happiness for the rest of your life.

Well done.

forthistimeonly · 31/01/2025 07:57

How are you OP?
Please ensure that your location isn't being tracked. I was followed a few times. Don't post anything on SM. Alert all friends and family whose numbers he might have.
Stay strong. You ARE strong and you are going to have a much better life. Get a non molestation order if you need to; you can apply on line.
Sending my very best wishes x

Nonaynevernomore · 31/01/2025 07:58

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 31/01/2025 07:37

My dad cut the breaks on my mums car the night we left, then he proceeded to show her a gun and followed her running out of the house. The neighbours over the road (also my godparents) were pulling out the drive, mum jumped in the car with me (aged 3) and shouted drive! I wish I couldn't remember but I do, I remember a lot of what he did to her to be honest.

We went back round with my auntie for some stuff after we new he had gone to the pub (he went every night), she never looked back after that. He was also a police officer!

Stay strong, you are amazing, there are lots of places you can go for help and I hope you have a good support network of family and friends. ❤

I’m sorry that happened to you and your mum. ❤️