Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving tonight after 8 years of DV

225 replies

BannaBanna1 · 30/01/2025 15:32

Cannot believe I am doing this. Never did I think I would get to this point, where I would be making actual moves.

Told work, manager was lovely.
Sorted out a a few nights stay at a friend's.
Hoping to pack essentials when he goes to work.

I am shivering and shaking as I write this.
Please help me get through this

OP posts:
pineapple7peach · 07/02/2025 14:11

OP please don't go home! Stay with your friend, identify your support system and keep them close, you need their support now more than ever. Is there a friend who can help you with the admin side of things?

Look at how far you've come, you've done the hardest part already.

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 07/02/2025 14:26

I want to make it clear I DO NOT want to go back there, I cannot wait to sell it off and get rid of it, however i have nowhere to go currently, i cannot continue staying at my friend. The children want their home, the disappointment when they hear they're not going home when I collect them is heart breaking. I need my space too. Im going to go hopefully when hes not there, possibly the weekend.

OP posts:
hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 14:27

You need to be so careful

What about police?
Can he be removed?

He will harm you all I have been there

gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/02/2025 14:29

Have you had any legal advice? What might be the possibility of an Occupation Order? That means you get to be in the house (usually for up to 6 months) and he ahs to live somewhere else.

hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 14:39

Non mol order?

What did police say?

Maurepas · 07/02/2025 14:47

Maybe the locks have been change to look up lock smith.

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 07/02/2025 15:15

Currently in the process of applying for the Non mol and occupation order, but was told today it could take 2 weeks. I cannot wait this long.

OP posts:
hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 15:16

You may have to

I'm sorry it is such hell

OutrageousImmoral · 07/02/2025 15:23

This stranger on the internet is very proud of you ❤

hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 15:24

OutrageousImmoral · 07/02/2025 15:23

This stranger on the internet is very proud of you ❤

💯

You

Have

Got

This !!!!!!!

Pleaseletmegohome · 07/02/2025 15:31

Another stranger WILLING you on. You’re doing an incredible thing.

Please please don’t go home. He WILL break in if he discovers you there.

HT2222 · 07/02/2025 15:45

BannaBanna1 · 07/02/2025 13:37

I'm going to go back to the house and lock myself inside, not going to take the children. If he does anything I'll call the police. Running theme continously being let down, story of my life.

Where will your children stay?

bigboykitty · 07/02/2025 15:51

Please try to hang on, OP. You did such a fantastic thing by leaving. Just get by moment to moment x

JessiesJ99 · 07/02/2025 16:00

This is what makes me mad! Why should a woman and children need to leave their home because of violent, abusive men??!

They expect you to go to some nasty refuge, but you have your own home & should be able to stay there.

I would go back when you know he's definitely not going to be there.

I would swing by police station on way home to tell them you will be changing the locks to prevent your violent, abusive ex getting in.
Tell them if he comes by, you will be calling them to come and remove him. Tell them of his violence and threats towards you and the children.

Do you have a friend or relative who can stay in the house with you over the weekend?

You and your children should be in your home - he needs to leave.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2025 19:02

@BannaBanna1

I understand, I really do. But you need to understand that you cannot 'go home and lock yourself in'. If it's jointly owned or considered the 'marital home' he has a right to be there. All he'll have to do is contact the police and they will make you let him in. Without a non-mol they have no leeway, no matter what you tell them about his past behaviour. Just as he can't lock you out, neither can you lock him out.

And how much worse is it going to be for you if in his eyes you've come 'crawling back'?

Please don't go. Tough it out until the non-mol is settled. You have a lifetime left to live. Eventually this 'in between time' will be nothing but a blip on your life's radar.

hellohellooo · 07/02/2025 19:04

@AcrossthePond55 very wise words

Sending you strength and solidarity OP

Been there

It's hell

But listen to the wise people on. Here

They helped me so so much

Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 19:07

Another stranger on the internet who is so proud of you!

You can do this, you are amazing just to have taken the first step. One day your story will inspire and save others. Please hang in there, it will get so much better xx

godmum56 · 07/02/2025 20:18

Proud of you vibes from me too

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 08/02/2025 15:24

OP how are you?

ThankULord · 08/02/2025 19:50

@NotbloodyGivingupYet I came on to ask the same.

Hi, OP.
Has anything happened today?
What are your thoughts today?

SarahLdn740 · 08/02/2025 19:57

Hope you’re ok OP… hold tight

NameChangedOfc · 08/02/2025 21:57

Thinking of you OP

Original poster
BannaBanna1 · 09/02/2025 08:27

I am at breaking point mentally. There is a big change in the childrens behaviour, dc7 has been suppressing his emotions in order not to upset or hurt me. He misses his dad, he broke down as I asked what was bothering him, he wouldn't say. I went through things that I thought it may be, then lastly I said is it your dad, he eventually grabbed me tight and cried. The last message he sent me said hes sorry and needs us and wants us to come home. Dc7 had my phone when this message came up on the front screen. I didn't realise dc7 had seen it till he mentioned it to me word for word that dad had messaged saying he needs us. I haven't had the opportunity to go back yet, the children are always with me. I want to leave dc2 with a friend on Monday then go. I have no idea what his state of mind will be as he's been silent the past 2 days. I don't think he will ever do anything stupid like top himself but the thought keeps entering my head.

OP posts:
Mumof2heroes · 09/02/2025 08:42

I know this is so so hard but please sweetheart don't go back. He will be saying anything and everything he can to get you to go back and he might even mean some of it but I would bet my last £ he will be back to abusing you within a week. This could also escalate as a punishment for you daring to leave. What is more important, upset but safe children or children that witness their mum being beaten or worse? Please please think of your and their future...when they truly understand they will thank you and be so grateful they have such a strong and brave mother. Please stay strong right now, this man is dangerous.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/02/2025 08:58

OP before you do anything please think it through very carefully. If you go back, without the children, what then? What if he's there when you get there? What if he turns up while you are there?
Where are your children in the meantime? Will you take them back there, and what happens if he turns up at that point?
What happens if he turns up with the police?
This is the very worst point, when you've left but haven't got the pieces in place. Can you at least hold out until you've got the NonMol in place? Two weeks feels like a long time but it's nothing compared to the time you've been suffering. A better life for you is worth two weeks wait surely. You deserve a better life. And so do your children, but they are too young to see the bigger picture.