Dropped the rope now everybody's confused

[allaloneandlost]

No family, friends disappeared since the pandemic and redundancy. Joined groups, voluntary work, night schools since age 18 and tried being neighbourly but got used, flaked on or let down. I stopped being a people pleaser and not coming across as desperate as that puts people off and you attract the wrong sort. No difference.

Since I had to go to hospital on my own a few months ago I finally dropped the rope as I'd had enough of chasing, caring, hoping, wishing, seeing the best in people, making excuses for them and waiting. Another patient, a complete stranger was very kind and that was the tipping point. It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

Since decided not to join anything, stopped volunteering and looking for friends just to get the same result. Found another job but not good so do the minimum. Busy getting qualifications, job hunting moving far away as have somewhere ready.

The last month though a few have reached out with Christmas cards. A friend who told me I was family yet hasn't bothered in years, even after I kept in touch and sent his son cards and presents sent a card and voucher. A neighbour who has never spoken started talking to me last week as I loaded a hire van to start moving. Invited me to call around for a cup of tea anytime.

Another from childhood for over 40 years who made so little effort in return for many years, rang for a chat yesterday and whilst it was amicable, I was distant and kept it brief. She lives three hours away. I visited her many times but she wouldn't come here or meet halfway, without reason. Just took for granted I'll always be there. She doesn't return my calls or letters. She asked if I was okay as I didn't sound right and said she'll call again in a few weeks.

Tbh I don't care anymore. Why are they bothering now? It's sad as there was no need but I'm done being hurt and angry and have also got used to no company. I've completely detached, I had to and they don't like it and are confused. This might be passive-aggressive but I see no point in explaining it to them. I did twice years ago after being used for a few years. People either deny or get aggressive because they don't like I've seen the truth and won't be a mug anymore.

I've not told anybody I'm going.

It would be interesting to hear from anybody who's been there. How did you handle people reaching out when it's too late? Thanks in advance.

@allaloneandlost @EmeraldRoulette Tried to find a link for the Gingernut post but couldn't.

No longer blindsided by H
1000 replies

Gingerloaf · 13/10/2024 14:04
cant seem to send as a link!

@allaloneandlost Hi thanks don't worry re-link

for some reason I thought you were talking about another friendship thread. I don't generally look at threads about marriages.

Moving can be really tough but you will get through it. I planned very badly and accidentally got rid of a bunch of stuff that I really should have kept. So please be careful of that one. I was moving to a smaller place though it doesn't sound like you are.

Sorry for the short reply. I'm bonkers busy at the moment, and I'm also trying to spend less time on MN but had a look to see how you are.

I wish you a very smooth move. (That sounds like a radio show or a fitness class or something "smooth moves" 😂).

Wishing you well and a peaceful move.
Ansiety is a part of moving, there is a reason its up there with death and divorce!

Be kind to yourself.
Remind yourself to be kind and loving to yourself, just as you would be a friend.

You are not alone.
You have a bunch of people on your phone rooting for you and wishing you well.

Definitely check out are there any single meet ups in your area.
Are there any women's walking and crafting groups like knotting or crochet.

My friend joined a crafting group to stop her eating crisps and snacks in the evening and keep her hands busy😁.

She knits gorgeous sweaters and is 30lbs lighter...win win😁

Hope everybody's weekend's going well.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld Thanks very much for finding this and I was calling the lady Gingernut, drat!

Blindsided by H | Mumsnet

No longer blindsided by H | Mumsnet

@EmeraldRoulette Thanks very much for checking in and glad you're busy. Hope you get time to rest as well. Thanks for the tip and sorry that happened to you. Perhaps you can buy similar items? If anything I'm taking too much but yes, will have more room and then will sort through the other end!

I'm laughing at that. If only it was 😁

@Windyella Thanks very much and what an encouraging story! So glad for your friend. Sounds like the making of her!

Hope you're as kind to yourself as you are to this stranger. I'm so grateful for everybody's kindness who've been there, more than those I thought of as close friends. I still haven't told them. Speaks volumes.

A Google search said there were free accredited courses and I contacted the organiser but when I clicked on the link, there wasn't. Seems like a ruse to part with a lot of money but gave it a try!

A few groups look interesting and after a great swim this evening, I'm looking for gyms there.

Hope you've had a few vinos as it's the weekend 😁

Went to the train station to go to the car hire place but there was replacement buses, picked the car up and put some of the stuff in the boot before swimming this evening.

@allaloneandlost it would be too costly to re-buy. Dunno what I was thinking really. I suppose there's an argument that I manage without it.

the "being busy" isn't fun stuff, alas! But tbh I've become quite lazy so it's probably a good thing.

sounds like you're making progress with everything, that's great.

my local college is advertising free stuff. They've only got four courses that are free. Strangely, they are saying that many people will be entitled to 90% discount off all their courses but you have to book, pay, enrol...and then they tell you the criteria. I find it all a bit suspicious tbh.

@EmeraldRoulette Hope you had a good weekend despite the busyness and what a shame. Maybe buy second hand depending on what the items are.

Too good to be true is the saying. It's a bit strange and I'd rather they just said what the price is!

@allaloneandlost Are you packing today? I hope it's going alright.

The college here does advertise the price. However, I find it really odd that you have to pay before you can see if you can get a refund. it's not fair to people who could only take up a place if it was free. And why would the accounts department want to do that work? When I thought it through, it seemed really fishy.

In other news, I have been contacted by someone who (I think) ghosted me. She goes "off grid" a lot. (This is problematic, because you never think that anything's gone wrong you just think she's gone off grid again)

So initially when I didn't hear from her, I thought that she had done that again - but the "off grid" lasted far too long this time. it's been from April.

There was also some other immature behaviour. But also I think some people are so lacking in consideration,they just think they can pick you up at their convenience.

I feel like replying so I can't be accused of rudeness - but I don't want to open a can of worms. So I might just say something like "I hope you're well". It's not a message that asks any specific questions or a message that's trying to make amends.

I think I mentioned before, maybe not on this thread though, but I did a lot of reading around ghosting. One thing that seems relatively common is that if people are having a "bored" phase they will suddenly get in touch with you.

@EmeraldRoulette Hope you're okay. Thanks so much for continuing to reply. You've no idea how much it means and again, funny how internet strangers show more care and kindness than friends of many years, isn't it?

I agree it makes no sense and is a waste of everybody's time. Why do that in the first place? It's a shame as people will be put off. I don't even mind paying what I can afford or not if it's too expensive! I want to study a Feng Shui course as an interest but the cheapest is £3000. I'm in the wrong game 😁

Completely agree. Fair enough people are going through something or don't message all the time, but when it's all the time, not weeks or months but nearly a year, they can't necessarily message and expect you to jump. Anything could have happened to you. I get what you mean as that's what I've been doing. Just a standard politeness. No arguments or obligation.

Yes they do. Or when there's no 'better' offer. They think we don't see this but do because you see patterns.

I am packing, to move Wednesday evening. Ashamed but cried most of the day even though I never settled here. I did my very best and couldn't have tried harder. It's just the finality and the sadness of knowing I can't come back and the worry of the unknown. I want to before it's too late. People get ill or worse and I can't cope with the thought of wasting my life when others don't have that luxury. So many are much worse off. It's just frightening at the moment.

People definitely flaky. I met a lovely friend today. Was telling her I feel people only contact me if they want something either a babysitter (my sibling) or information off me lol. She agreed its not nice.

Better to get the tears out before you move.
Packing is emotional so don't be feeling bad.
Crying is healthy and cathartic.
I think 👍is a great acknowledgement that can proceed no futher contact. Then mute.

Bored people reaching out are only wasting your time.
I think a local community association can be a grrat start to find out what is going on and the low down on what to avoid.

Stressing that you have limited time but are keen to try to find some time, covers you and gives you an out if it becomes too much.
Walking groups are great too, coming into the summer.
Just try stuff out.

@Mary46 I'm so glad you met your friend and had a nice time. Yes, that's another reason and it's awful being used. You're wise to know that.

@Windyella Hope you're okay and enjoying that vino! Thanks very much. Hope you have loads of good people.

I'm crying mostly because I met somebody many years ago and after a few months he asked me to marry him. I was delighted but he started dragging his heels. We moved in here against my better judgement because even though I wanted marriage and didn't want to live together, I thought it might start things off in the right direction. It didn't.

He was fun, very kind and generous even though I'm no gold digger, but he was hardly here. He had family and friends locally, knows everybody and everybody likes him. His family were closed to outsiders which was a shame as I had no family and knew nobody. He was always visiting and helping friends and acquaintances. I had no problem with him going out, having family or friends but he never spent time with me.

I joined things and made friends as it's not fair to put it all on somebody, but he saw it as even more of a green light to be out. It wasn't malicious but him always having something better to do took its toll. If I didn't have a friend to go with, I stopped sitting on the settee wasting my life and went to the cinema, days out and even almost most holidays alone. It was very sad and lonely which led to it ending and the final straw of living here.

He's got some progressive health problems and his parents died but he should have spent a little time with me and committed. I didn't want much. I am upset and feel guilty though as there was no need. Such a waste.

Yes people reaching out are wasting others time. No point. Great idea about the community group. All sorts go on there.

Looking forward to joining a walking group. There's one in most places and probably a nice group of people. Meditation groups can be nice as well.

Thanks allalone hope you doing okay. I met a few lovely ones through my walking group. We still meet up

@Mary46 That's nice to know and it gets you out of the house.

Ah you pet, you are crying for what might have been.
We all can do that.
I watched Briget Jones yesterday and thought it was fine but found the end going back over the old photos of the old movies really made me cry.

I remember going to the first movie with a friend and us both nearly wetting ourselves (weak pelvic floors having recently given birth) at the sight of her arse on the firemans pole being shown on TV.
It really cracked us up.
Funnily enough I ran into that old friend and we are meeting up tomorrow after about 10 years. Life just got busy, we always had great fun.
I am blessed with great friends, but definitely shook off a few users in my day. At 60 absolutely no time at all for anyone that isn't honest and real.
Time is too precious.

The walking group is a really good one because it implies enjoyment of exercise and getting out and about, and therefore could be up for days out.
Definitely one to check out.

Lots of women doing yoga and pilates as they age too...i have so far avoided it...did it years ago and enjoyed it though.
Time flys by so fast, it can indeed make you teary when you take stock.

One day at a time.

@Windyella Aaw a trip down memory lane is hard. Thanks very much and heard they're good films. I've read the first book and it was touching but funny and real. That sounds hilarious! Maybe I'll watch when settled. Am going to watch comedies as need a laugh, don't we all?

I'm really glad you have great friends and hope you enjoy today. Did you go anywhere nice? I agree the older you are time is most important, as is spending time with genuine people.

Walking groups sound pleasant and a nice social setting. There's an evening one locally, a library and community centre with groups that I'll check out when settled. There's plenty out there. Hope you join groups again if you want to.

Just finishing packing today and tomorrow, taking it hour be hour. It's good to keep busy atm as well.

Just walking and a coffee, comparing aches and pains!😁
Trying to get more walking im, so good for us.
My friends widowed mother was trying to get fitter and asked a few neighbours would they like their dogs walked as it would give her discipline if she was committed.
She did it twice a week and told her granddaughter to start dog walking as she couldn't believe the number of people that stop now for a chat. Her one hour walk takes 2+ hours as she has so much chatting to do.
She just loves it.
My friend has the most gorgeous king charles and I call him the rockystar, as that is what he is like when we go walking, people stopping and admiring him constantly.
He is the total love or her life.
Husband and children don't get a look in!

Just read the whole thread. Good luck with your move @allaloneandlost and remember to be kind to yourself. Moving is hard at the best of times but it sounds like you’ve really been through it too.

It’s hard when you realise people don’t view you as you view them. We had family bereavement a couple of years ago and the people I really thought were friends and had known for years and would have been supportive were nowhere to be seen. It was really hurtful and I get a text from one of them every 6 months or so saying we must catch up but there is no point at all.

It’s sad there’s so many people who are like that out there but the Mel Robbins thing sounds useful. I’ve found her on Instagram so thank you to whoever suggested her.

I hope your packing is going well and your move goes smoothly. You’ve got this!

@allaloneandlost So much of what happens to us is chance. You didn't settle in this place so you're moving on, yay!

You mentioned that you're interested in feng shui. It's not my thing (probably because I don't have enough space and that negates all the principles). But I do enjoy watching Cliff Tan a.k.a. "dear modern" on YouTube - he makes me laugh so much!

he also has an online course if you wanted a taster - It's on domestika - and he's also written a book.

I didn't actually reply to that ghosting friend message. In fact when I stopped and thought about it, it just really pissed me off. So I deleted it. If she wants to complain to others that I didn't reply to her, well she hasn't replied to me for eight months or longer. So for all she knows, i could reply in eight months and match her energy. That's totally okay in her book so what's to complain about?

Just in case anyone's still keeping an eye on this thread

I'm having to stop myself messaging that for my friend and saying "hey - what the actual fuck happened?"

@allaloneandlost guessing you're in the new place now, hope it's good!

Stay strong and leave it.
Use the power of silence.

@Windyella thank you

it was just a moment of anger after a long day. So I was a bit at risk of it but have deleted the numbers so there's a natural stop in having to get my address book out!

she's got a birthday next week so might have been fishing.

Good woman.
We can all be weak.
I'm very weak.
I promised I'd donate the boxes of chocolates after Christmas but have somehow worked through them🙄.
Oh the shame🤣

@Windyella I hope you enjoyed them.

It was more just that I still get angry about it to be honest, like I want to say what the fuck are you playing at? But I don't want to let a ghost back into my life so...It's pointless asking the question.

All the best to you OP for your move.
I hope things work out well for you in your new place, and that you meet people who may become good friends there.

Thanks very much everybody and sorry for the late replies.

@Windyella Thanks very much. So glad you enjoyed and had a good laugh! What a brilliant idea as dog walkers are friendly and it's a good excuse to get out there.

Hope you've enjoyed the chocs with a few vinos🤣

@Happyhettie Thanks very much and it's so hurtful they're paying lip service keeping you in reserve when they could have offered a little support at an awful time. I wouldn't bother either. Pointless and you deserve better. Hope they never need you one day.

@EmeraldRoulette Thanks very much and you're wise to stay strong. It is hard as mean it or not, it plays with your emotions when people get in touch after a long time. I'm suspicious of that now as to why they're suddenly bothering. They don't care, it's as simple as that and there's always a reason on their end like as you said a birthday, they're bored or curious. It's unfair to call themselves friends and only do the absolute bare minimum when it suits.

Thanks for the recommendation. It sounds funny!

Well I'm finally here. Moving is hard and I moved by myself which is harder but things have been so complicated, hence the silence.

Two people came out of the woodwork so I told them Wednesday night. Cue the tears and they'd miss me. I was upset but also felt angry as it's far too late when I've been under their noses for years. They've been too busy and not cared.

It got late so I ended up driving away Thursday after work. Got here late, unpacked the car then had an assessment day for a new job the next morning. Had to do group exercises and role play. Then was kept on for interview and offered a place in the talent pool. Don't know when a job will come up but it will. It's much better money and opportunities. Ideally it was difficult timing with the move but the job's local and i would have been daft not to have applied. I wfh and with the move a bit of time to settle is welcome though. Did a supermarket run and a few errands to make the most of the hire car.

Returned the car Saturday to an out of town industrial estate. They couldn't drop me back as planned and I don't know the area too well but sorted eventually after waiting ages for a taxi.

After that I unpacked the more urgent stuff and have been sorting out all the admin this week after work. Registering for a doctor's been a nightmare. Sent off my driving licence and changed most of the bills. A bit more to do this weekend and look for a car. There's a nice high street. A few places for groceries, takeaways and a lovely charity shop. I found a very quaint little cafe with beautiful soup. The other patrons were nice as well so somewhere to go.

Hope you're all having a great week :)